For 10 years, I never have a decent relationship with my parents. My dad is cool, but I don’t really talk to him due to his job as a full time business man job. My mom, on the other hand, did all the parenting. She had been a stay-at-mom for 20 years. Never had a job. Always focus on the household, kids, and finance. Growing up, she always have been on my case for every imperfection I had. Not getting As and Bs. No awards coming home. Maybe 1 or 2 honor rolls. And no strong communication. There was a lot of yelling and lecturing. She always sees me as the loser of the family. I always hear stories of my 2nd cousins from her side succeeding academically. They all went to a 4 year University after high school. Graduated with a professions degree. Went to graduate school. And made lots of money. At the same time, they all got into relationships and build their own family before age 30.
That, to my mom, is the perfect robot life that all Asian kids should have. I’ve had complained and rant about her for the last 10 years of my life. Nothing has changed with this woman. Everything I do is a failure to her. The fact I’m attending at a community college equals to lowest education on the planet. A job that barely makes money. And no drivers license. I’m basically going at a slow pace. She believes I’m wasting my time and doesn’t understand or even look on the positive note. I don’t know how much longer do I have to keep complaining about her. Every time, I went someone new or am around my friends, I ramble how awful my mother is. Anyone that doesn’t know her assumes she’s a nice woman. Well, she’s not. To me, she is the worst parent on Earth. There can’t be any parent that’s worse than my mother.
My mother has her fair share of a horrible mother. My maternal grandmother currently now has dementia/Alzheimer’s. But before she was diagnosed with such illness, my grandmother used to beat my mother and favors her younger sister the most. My mom grew up as the oldest of 3 kids. I don’t really hear much about her childhood now these days. But when I was a kid, my mom would tell (or should I say boast) about how great of a role model she is for her younger siblings. She boasts about having great academic skills, no bullies in her life, was so popular among men, etc. But everything she does is not pleasing to her mother. Sounds familiar, mom? I think she forgot all about it since she’s so focused on caring for my Alzheimer’s grandmother and trying to play the “older sibling” card.
Unlike her, I rebelled emotionally against my mother. I would lie to her about certain stuff. Mostly personal and school academics. Since she always want me to study 24/7 and such. At the same time, she wants me to have more friends yet hold high standards for them as well. Her mentality of having a group of friends is “the stupid goes with stupid” and the “smart goes with smart”. I feel that is true since I can’t communicate with anyone from a high class University, has a lot of money, and living their life. I’ve met people. I talk to them one day. The next you know they become more of an acquaintance. My friends would tell me “Just forget about her. Focus on what you want to do. You are your own person.” Truth to be told, it’s hard not to think about the emotional stress my mother put on me. One day, we’re fine. The next minute, I hear her complaining to a relative about how ungrateful and failure I am. Then I have to quietly ramble on and on about her being the uneducated and stupidest person on the planet. She always find something in the past of mine to pick on and call me the “worst daughter”.
With all of that stress inside of me, I always worry how I will act upon my own daughter. I can only hope for the best to try to not become like my mother. I mean, I grew up here. I don’t want to put the same emotional stress on my kids. Whether dream they have, I will support them. How they live their live is on their hands. I can only hope and guild them to the right path. At the same time, they shouldn’t fear of being alone. They can come talk to me if they need emotional support. I want to be the best mother I can be. My goal is not become like my mother. That’ll be my worst nightmare.