life · personal

Almost Sexual Assault Story

I was 19 years old ; sophomore in college. I had to retake a math class that I failed in the previous semester. For the first 19 years in my life, I never knew situations almost as heavy as sexual violation and assaults. Statistics say 1 out of 5 women are likely to be sexual assaulted in college. 80% of students are sexual harassed in school. Growing up, I never came across any of the heavy situations. Because I grew up around a good community, I figure I shouldn’t worry. But that one year and guy changed my life forever.

The media portrays many stories of sexual harassment and assault in campuses. Mainly females are the victims. There may be an occasion of rare cases in false reports. But most of the time, the reports are known and highly heaved in society. I only told my story once in a while. I share it with many people I trust. I never thought I could type it up in a blog. The guy I will mention was previously known in my post as “douche face”. He is in fact 100% douche face. He never cared or so he tries to. But he always goes back to his douche personality. When I first met the guy, I can tell right off the bat, he is up to no good. Douche face came out of a three year relationship and hadn’t had sex for a month.

Me, being a virgin at the time, was thought of as an easy target. Unfortunately, my stubborn conservative side wasn’t easily convinced. Therefore, his plan to get laid was a failure. I remember there were so many “no’s” throughout the week. The class was a daily routine for an hour. Before class, I would get to school early and he’d be there. Most of the time, he’d be talking about sex, wild party, and all the fun stuff. When we’re alone, he would calm a bit and try to convince me otherwise. We weren’t dating, but he thought it would be interesting to get to know me.

The relationship was highly toxic and disturbing. When I first said “no” to him, he thought I was challenging him. I wasn’t in any interest in challenging nor to pursue anything with him. Douche face wasn’t giving up anytime soon. His filthy hands wouldn’t keep away from my clothes. If I was wearing a jacket, he would violently try to grab it like an angry dog. Then unzip in a flash, revealing my shirt. I scream “Hey!” angrily while he goes “There!” as if I should appreciate he helped me.

I couldn’t count how many times he’d do that. It was a horrible nightmare I can’t wake up to. I never told anyone nor dare to report the guy. I overthink that no one would believe me. And due to the clothes I was wearing, I thought it wasn’t good enough to get him reported to the Dean. In reality, I should know it’s not my fault that the guy is a douche. He should’ve kept his hands to himself when I specifically said no. The guy violated my privacy and space. The worse thought to get him to stop was giving my virginity up just so he could shut up.

Thankfully, I didn’t do it. Because I would’ve regret it shamelessly. But after the horror, I couldn’t trust in a guy touching me for a year. I’m glad I wasn’t sexual assaulted. But it did feel like  douche face could be a potential rapist. I’m just happy it’s over and the person I lost my virginity to is worth more than a “getting laid” act. If there are any victims of sexual assault or abuse in any way, please don’t be afraid to speak up. Guy or Girl. It doesn’t matter. No one should be silenced because their space is violated. We are one strong community. Speak up and don’t let them silence you.

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life · personal · relationship advice · Uncategorized

Opposite Sex Friends

I’ve heard this argument many times. “Opposite Sex can’t be friends”. People’s evidence is “oh guys are looking to get inside a girl’s pants unless he’s gay“. Honestly, that is bullshit. The phrase obviously screams out INSECURITY. I’m sorry. But I think it really depends on certain individuals. Some are meant to be friends and some don’t. Whenever I meet a guy, I don’t automatically assume he wants to get inside my pants. Unless point dick obvious, the guy isn’t interested in sleeping with me. And no, my guy friends aren’t gay. A few are, but majority of them are not.

I think the reason why people claim that opposite sex can’t be friends is due to insecurities and their past. I understand cheating is the lowest point. Because I’ve been cheated on. But what I learned from my 2nd ex is cheating is cheating. You can’t force your significant other to stay loyal to you. If you have to suspect them as cheaters throughout the relationship, then that’s no relationship. Your significant other is the only person that decides the loyalty to you. If they do end up being non-loyal, then kick them to the curb and tell them to suck on a skunk’s dick. I have both male and female friends, but the majority are males. Most of my friends have been in the picture longer than my boyfriend. I make sure my friends are still in the picture. In case if something happens to my boyfriend and I, I have my friends to provide emotional support.

People need to remember that their significant other has a life before they come into the picture. You can’t control them who to be friends with and who not to be friends with. In order to have a stable relationship, you have to build a trust bond between the two of you. That trust is very important in the relationship. Without it, there’ll be insecurities and hardships all over the place. I told my boyfriend that before and after we became a couple. He is aware of my male friends. I even let him read the conversations between me and a close male friend. Basically, I’m an honest person to my boyfriend. I didn’t force him to trust me. He learn to naturally give time to build a trusting bond between the two of us.

Hey, I’m even friends with people who has a significant other. I respect their relationships. Why does everyone think when they meet the opposite sex, it’s an automatic assumption that attraction must be in the air? What’s worse is they go too far and abandon them from talking to their family member. That actually happen to a friend of mine. His ex went too far and deleted every single girl off his phone, including his female cousins. It’s like whoa, what are we going to do with our cousins? Yuck. The point is single or not, you can’t ditch your friends off just because you’re in a committed relationship. Even if you have a past, don’t compare your past to your present. If your significant other is a loyal person and has proven so, chill-ax! Nothing will happen between them and their opposite sex friend. Unless they turn out to be a jerk, then kick them in the balls or vagina. Other than that, relax! Enjoy life! Worry when it’s necessary!

love · personal · relationship advice

Past Crushes and Exes

The past ten years of my life, I’ve been looking back at all the guys from my past. It’s quite amazing how much I’ve learned and grow from them. Each of them, I knew from my gut that I couldn’t be with them in a long run. Even when I have a small crush, I didn’t feel comfortable being in a relationship with them. I guess my feelings weren’t as genuine as I thought. All those guys whom reject to telling me “They’re not ready yet still want to screw around”, I really am grateful that they’re not in my life.

The saying of people who are meant to be, they will always come back is true. I’m kind of a weird person. When it comes to dating, my goal  is to see if I can be in a commitment with the person. If I can’t, then I move on. I don’t try and develop a long term relationship with the person. I just spend a small amount of time with them to see if he’s in it for the long run. I know. It’s evil. But good method. Strangely, every guy I met, gave me such alarming bad vibes. Like I said in my previous blogs, I have gorilla instincts. The guys in my past thought it was very unappealing and unattractive. It’s no way to determine who they are as a person. Now I think about it, it’s actually very useful. Sometimes your instincts and guts are obviously telling you something. It’s best to listen to yourself before you put yourself in dangerous situation ; similar to a fight or flight reaction.

I got to say to those guys. I’m not sorry for picking up bad vibes from each individual. I don’t know you. I don’t trust people easily. If you spend a certain amount of time with me and we have a good bond, then I can trust you. But I don’t with my past. There is a reason why I don’t get close to guys like them. None of them gave me a good reason to trust. In the end, it leads to disappointment. But I thank my past for leading me to the wonderful boyfriend whom I love dearly till this day. We’re almost to our 6th month anniversary. He’s the only guy I’m willing to mush around with. I guess my horoscope is true. When Aquarius female finds the right one, they ultimately let their walls down and submit with all the love to their partner. Yay feelings! Nah, I’m kidding. I love my boyfriend.

life · love · personal · relationship advice

Aftermath Break-Ups

Let’s be honest. Breakups suck. You feel unwanted, lonely, worthless, etc. It leads you down to the bottomless pits of doom in the situation. It doesn’t have to be just romantic relationships. It could be friends, co-workers, and family. But the question is how do break-ups affect you? People cope with break-ups differently. Some hop along and pretend it never happened while others fall into a huge depression. In my personal experience, most of the time, I’d be the dumper, but not the dumpee. I usually cut off people like a ghost. I don’t confront and tell. I just disappear without any comments or questions. I know that’s not a good idea to disappear into thin air, but I rather deal with no drama at all than to tell them “I want to break up”.

But the one time, I had been dumped was by my 2nd ex. The relationship between him and I are very complex. It wasn’t straight forward. It was more of a pile of miscommunication. Usually when I get dumped/rejected, I move on very quick. Just cry for 2 hours and move on. It’s very simple for me. At least that’s what I thought for my 2nd ex. Unfortunately, I had to deal with excessive sadness like most people. My 2nd ex, Greg, was my first love. Although I couldn’t see Greg in a long run, I still love him unconditionally. But my sadness for the aftermath breakup, it wasn’t enough to drag me down into a huge depression. Because I personally never experience breaking up with someone that is close to me. Usually when I do break up, that person is never close to me. Breakups don’t really affect me at all.

It’s not that I don’t care. I just deal with things differently. The reason why I brought this up is because yesterday’s conversation with my boyfriend. He mentioned how it would be bad if we break up. How he deals with a breakup is falling into a huge hole of depression. It’s to the point where he can’t do anything for a few months. Honestly, if we do ever break up for whatever reason ; whether it’s a mutual agreement or not, we both need to deal with what’s best for us. You may never know what might happen. At the same time, I believe my boyfriend and I will be fine. I want to have positive hopes for our relationship. Plus I’ve broken up with a lot of guys just to get to him. If someone were to be meant for you, there’s never a chance the two of you will break-up. If you do for whatever reason, someone else out there is better and won’t bring pain to your relationship. So stay strong and remember love is everywhere!

lgbt · life · love · personal · relationship advice

Dating Preferences = Discriminatory?

 

So this guy or girl says our dating preferences are discriminatory? For a CIS woman who’s only attracted to CIS male, he/she is telling me that I’m a bigot. What the fuck? I’m surprised this video didn’t get viral. The person who goes by name, Riley is a transwoman who’s attracted to CIS woman and is a feminist. He/She is putting all these poor arguments about the dating life and who we should be attracted to. Now I’m not against the LGBT community. I’m very open about the community. These people are the same as any straight person. But telling me that my preferences is discriminatory because  I’m not attracted to everyone is a slap in the face. We all have dating preferences for a reason. It’s to find what we like and don’t like.

I came across a lot of jackasses and assholes in my life. If Riley were to say I’m a bigot for not giving them a chance, then he/she must be mistaken. It’s like saying I should sign my death certificate away.  Riley is definitely putting the LGBT community backwards. As an English Literature major, what is the argument in the video? He/She starts off with the hypothesis of why you should be attracted to a trans person. Just ignoring what the trans person has between their legs, it shouldn’t matter. No! Genitals do play a part in the romantic relationship! Unless you’re willing to be a platonic friend, then it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to reject you from being my friend. But I do get the right to reject you for romantic relationships. Because my goal in a romantic relationship, I want to be able to have a long term commitment and make love to my partner. Out of that loving relationship, I hope one day he can help me bear my own biological children.

I want kids! Adopting and/or having a third party won’t cut for me. Yeah sure a transmale would cut out for a CIS male if they have the hormones and surgery. But in the end, it’s not the same. I understand trans people feel rejected because one doesn’t have the genitals others desired. But it’s life. You can’t control what and who people are attracted to. Personal dating preferences is the same. People go into dating to find out what they like and don’t like in a potential mate. As far as sexual orientation goes, everyone is different. Whether they’re attracted to one preferences of genitals or both, it’s their business. Now, I think somewhere in the video, Riley says he/she isn’t trying to force us to be attracted to this particular person, but should really reconsider. Again, what is the argument? If I were his/her English professor, I’d give this video an F as a grade. There isn’t any evidence or backup to the argument of why dating a trans shouldn’t be a problem.

It would only work if the person’s sexual orientation is bi or pansexual and the person doesn’t mind not having biological kids. Transpeople is perfect for them if they don’t mind. But other than that, this argument is highly poor. Not a good idea to convince the whole world that they should try to forget about preferences and go with the flow. I think the Riley person should get off of Youtube and find a new hobby.

love · personal · relationship advice

Get Out!

If you’re in a toxic relationship, man or woman, get out! No one deserves to be treated like any less worth of a human. I know people are going to say, “But it’s hard to get out because the person could be a psycho.” Unfortunately, you have to think about yourself in the relationship rather than sticking around the sake of the person. I’ve been in a toxic relationship before. Although my ex wasn’t a psycho, I still need to find a way to get out. Luckily, the end of fall semester rolled around and I was free. The ex (I’ve mentioned him as douche face) put me in a toxic position. We weren’t really together, but I was involved with him in some complicated thing. Anyway, that 1st ex was the most terrible person I ever met.

Five years ago, I met the guy in my math class. He did find me attractive, but I knew he wasn’t the one I want to be with. Douche face is a complete jerk. He doesn’t care nor respects people. I had many anxiety about the relationship. The one thing that puts me in an agony place was his sexual drive. At the time, I was a virgin. Nineteen years old. Just a year out of high school. My view on sex is very serious. I believe sex should be committed when you’re in a loving relationship. It doesn’t have to be after marriage. As long as you both know where your relationship is going, then it shouldn’t be a problem. Plus it’s better than a one night stand.

Not according to douche face. Douche face wanted it now and fast. When I told him, I was a virgin; He immediately suggested that I lose it. What better way to lose it is with him since he hasn’t had sex for a month. In my guts, I knew he’s a bad idea. I kept my virginity all of high school and most of college to save for the right person. For someone like douche face, he doesn’t deserve my virginity at all. The word “no” either pissed him off or think it’s a challenge. I believe it must have pissed him off. I don’t know what drove him to insanity, but he wouldn’t stop with the word “sex”.

I got constant put downs of being virgin. His hands would be placed in areas that did not get consent. Most of all, emotional and sexual abuse didn’t cross my mind. The good news is I did not get raped. I am grateful that did not happen to me. But I am a survivor for abusive relationship. I don’t really talk about my story that often unless someone is going through it. Or I just talk about it if someone gets to know me. I let in people with my stories. If you’re in an abusive relationship, I don’t care how many chances you give them. You need to stop. Any person abusing you won’t change for the better. No one deserves to be treated like a dog. Get out when you have the chance. It kills me to know someone is being held in a toxic relationship and they feel there’s no way out. Yes, there is. You just need to find a way.

love · relationship advice · Uncategorized

Future Life with Boyfriend

Last night, the boyfriend and I spoke about a little of the future together. We’ve been dating for over 5 months; known each other for 6. I already spoken how our relationship is healthy and strong. He happened to ask if I would move out with him in the near future. I was shocked to hear that because no guy had put me in his future. I’m also trying my best to not jump into the coursing river too quickly. In my personal experience, I don’t know that many domestic relationships. Therefore, I haven’t got an idea of when it’s the appropriate time to move in with a significant other. To be honest, I had thought about an idea of living with the boyfriend someday. I just haven’t jotted down the exact timeline.

In my current position, I don’t have the money to move out. Rent can be quite expensive around LA. Even if I do, it’s challenging. It mean solo into the real world. Getting to know the boyfriend’s habits and all. I’m still happy to know I’m part of his future. He’s part of mine too. I plan on seeing what’s next in our relationship. I just don’t want to be one of those puppy lovers in a rush. The people around me had made that kind of mistake of rushing their relationship too quick. I knew a couple of acquaintances who rushed into getting engaged as soon as three months.

That is incredibly insane. You have your whole life ahead of you to know if this person is right for you or not. Plus you have to be mature enough to know what you’re doing. I think people get all caught up with the feelings rather than logic. Logic does make more sense than thinking with your feelings. In a meantime, I’ll let nature takes its course as I always do. If I do get on that path, then I’ll definitely know when to be ready.