Bullying and Depression

I’ve been digging in relationships and lifestyle that I’ve forgotten one part of my life. I don’t expose my past unless I’m comfortable. Like many others, I suffered minor depression and anxiety. The story goes back in early 2000’s. When I was a little girl, my mother, being the sexist she is, forbid me from having guy friends. In her twisted belief, she assumes boys will rape me if I become close to them. My so-called ex-friend, Bonnie, was friends with my former archenemy. Unknown, I wasn’t aware of his existence nor their friendship. Because of what I’ve said about being forbid from talking to the opposite sex, I was blamed for their break-up. Being nine years of age and hearing someone vow to curse hatred upon yourself, you would think it’ll last for a while.

The bullying lasted half of my lifetime in elementary/middle school. Every day and moment, the guy would target me as someone he despises. I was silent most of the time. It never occurred me that the bullying was serious nor I had any thoughts of hating the guy. I let him torture me emotionally for many years. I wouldn’t call the constant harassment the most unbearable I’ve received. The majority of bullied victims would come home and cry to sleep. I wasn’t that kid. My mentality was incredibly strong. It wasn’t until somewhere around the grades of 7th and 8th. I can’t remember the exact age, but I know those ages were very traumatic.

Aside from him stealing my journals and spreading it wide through the entire 8th grade class, I’ve been through much worse. It’s far more than being physically or emotionally beaten. At age 13 to 14, I heard him telling me that I deserve to die. I am well aware anyone can say that and nothing would happen. This one doesn’t involved the internet. It was done old fashioned way. I can remember that bastard’s cold hands quickly wrapped around my neck. He then applied slow pressure. My little teenage mind was ready for death. This was during recess and in an empty schoolyard. Classrooms were open, but no classmate nor superior was anywhere to be found.

Five minutes passed and it was over. He somehow had the heart to not kill me completely, but was willing enough to try. I question his motive. But it manage to trigger my anxiety counterparts for 10 years. Every guy I have a crush on, I always fear the worst. Relationships weren’t even to begin with. All of my exes shrugged off and blatantly said I should deal with it. Having anxiety isn’t something I can just deal with. It’s horrible to have them. As far as Depression goes, it’s very minor. I hardly ever dealt with suicidal thoughts and self harming. However, after that almost death experience, I hit rock bottom and constantly want to end my life on the same day. I didn’t harm myself. I just want to die.

Luckily, there were two acquaintances nearby and reassure that everything will be better. It was a nice comfort, but I knew hell was going to follow me for the next few years. In high school, he did the same but it wasn’t as traumatic as when I was younger. The worst part in my bullying experience is no help was given. The only solution they offer is to ignore. Fight with silence. That’s exactly what I did. But I had to endure 8 years of torture. My former archenemy stopped the bullying in 10th grade. A golf coach of mine forced him be nice to me, otherwise, he wasn’t allowed in the classroom as long as I’m inside. I don’t know if that hit his epiphany to become a nicer person. It sure worked because he decide to put on a mask and turn into someone different, hoping I won’t recognize him.

Unfortunately, I still can recognize him even with the mask on. I was reminded of all the horror and emotional damage he put upon me. No apologies could ever fix the damages. The importance of my story is I was the stronger and bigger person. I didn’t have to fight with fire. I stayed silent and endure the pain. However, the scars and emotional damage never left me. I still carry anxieties with me wherever I go. No therapy nor meditation was given. The proper medicine is laughter and love. It’s what I use to carry on for myself. If none available, my voice is still heard through writing.


Advice to the Other Guy

Most of the world are familiar with the term, “Friend zone”. In popular culture, the term defines as a situation where one member of friendship desires to enter a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be undesired or dreaded situation by the rejected person.

The gender that suffers or complains the most about the Friend zone is male. Females have been in the friend zone, too. However, we females, handle it better because there’s more to life than to complain about not being worth for a guy. I haven’t heard such term until my senior year of high school. The most popular filmmakers on YouTube, WongFu Productions, released their skits or short films related to such subject. Others began to follow on short notice.

In my belief, the friend zone is not something you can stick yourself in forever. As every romantic cliché in the book says, there are plenty of fishes in the sea. No one need to growl yourself for being the nice guy. I personally seen enough memes related to these subjects. It is highly passive aggressive. Everyone gets rejected once in their lifetime. You, Me, and Bigfoot. If you want to get angry over a little rejection, then you don’t deserve a relationship. “But she played with my feelings!” As Regina George says, “Oh boo. You whore.

I’ve been a nice girl all my life. Guys from my past always complain about not being the candidate for girls they like. They believe there’s no nice girl left in the building. I personally would love to hold up a sign myself and scream that there is a nice girl right in front of them. However, there is not a minute worth chasing after someone who doesn’t see me that way. Though I never would deny any moment of wondering if there is someone for me. It only took some time and I landed in the lovely arms of the perfect guy.

My advice for those whom complains about being in the Friend zone, you might as well buckle down and quit whining your ass off. Do you want to know the secret to get out of the Friend zone? Don’t put yourself in one. See the rejection as a close call. Who knows if you get in a relationship with that person, it’ll later turn into a huge mistake. There is a reason why you two are not together. She may not be the person for you. I’m positive that there is a much better nice girl if you stop being an ass. No one will feel pity for you if rejection was received. If the girl doesn’t see you that way, don’t waste your time thinking she’s the only perfect woman.

God has plans for you to meet the one woman. He will lead you to full time happiness, not pain. You will never feel agony once you are with your true love. I truly have a strong belief in it. I used to be a pessimistic in the category. However, things got turn around when I met my boyfriend. Everyone wins the race. You just need to go through the jungle  filled with angry baboons and sly leopards. Before you know it, she’ll be at the finish line.


Good Age to Marry

This topic came up when my mother brought up about my boyfriend. I was showing her a video of a disabled white supremacist harassing a Mexican American in an airport. I explained to her throughout the video that the man recording the situation was on the phone speaking Spanish to his mother. The disabled white supremacist came up to the man and displayed ignorance. As soon it was over, she moved onto my boyfriend who happen to be Mexican. She reminded me of his age and mine. My mother then started to compare how young he is and it’s not appropriate at his age to be married so soon. Since I’m near the age of marriage, it’s best if I remove him out of my life and wait for the more appropriate age.

It clicked me into thinking, “What age is good for marriage?”. Honestly, I don’t have a number in mind. I do have marriage in my future, but I don’t have the number. I understand how worried she is of my age. By thirty, a woman’s uterus is no use to be pregnant. I mean, she still can get pregnant. As long it isn’t before 40, then she’s good. I guess my mother doesn’t want me to wait that long. She prefer me to get married to someone around my age because then she’ll be able to see the future. In my mind, I honestly see it as 50/50. It’s an understanding, however, my life isn’t run by hers. It’s similar to how I told her no relationships when I was in my late teens and early 20’s. But I got in a serious relationship by age 23.

Now she’s thinking ahead for my current relationship. If I listen to her and dump my current boyfriend, she thinks I’d probably still have that chance to find myself an older guy to marry. I’m trying to wrap this around my head whether it’s reasonable or not. In my own soul, I don’t think it’s a good idea to dump my boyfriend and find someone more older. Time does fly before a blink of an eye. I don’t know if I’ll be married by 30. With my life moving forward, I don’t know about his. I did ask about our future. He believes we’re still going to be together. But I want more. I’m not satisfied.  My mind is going crazy with her pressure of marriage.

I’m only 24 years old. There are people my age that doesn’t want a commitment nor ready to be married. At age 24, my generation still thinks it’s too early to get married. My parents’ generation believe it’s the right age to be married. I’ve seen one percent of my high school classmates getting married before 25. I don’t want to do the wrong thing, but I want to do what’s right for me. I’ve read somewhere on the internet that a girl was in the same situation as I am. But both are the same age and have same careers. Unfortunately, her parents don’t approve because of different status. Therefore, she cuts her relationship with her fiancè for her parents’ wishes. I’ve seen comments ranged from “you’re a terrible person” to “you’re so immature for doing this.” 

Honestly, I don’t want to be that person to dissolve my relationship for my parents’ sake. At the same time, I still respect my parents. I can’t ask my boyfriend to hurry up, make money, and be married as soon as possible. It’s all too much pressure. Many friends would advise me to slow down and have fun. I don’t think the fun will last forever. Pretty soon, I will reach to the age of marriage and possibility children. I’m a little scared the boyfriend might not give me what I want later on. It happens in younger and older relationships. People’s priority changes or someone isn’t ready for the next level. In the end, they end their relationship in bad terms. My mother figures its best to do it now before it’s too late. I try to shrug it off and pretend it’s still early to determine marriage in the equation. But with pressure and reminder of getting older, it’s hard not to think about the math. I already had stress about school and career goals. Now it’s relationship goals added to the list.

So what’s the answer? I don’t really have the answer to what a good age is to marry. People now are getting marry between ages 20 and 30 these days. I guess it all depends on the maturity of people. I always picture getting my education and career goals done before marriage. But I can’t seem to have it one at a time with my mother hovering over me like a time helicopter. Almost as if I’m being choked by time. It’s amazing what it can do to you. In a similar way, it can be a pain too. *I just googled the average age to be married in the United States. The average age is close to 30. I know I’ve been told, but again, Mother and her hovering.*

What’s a Good Prank?

The word, “Prank”, is defined as a mischievous act or practical act. I would hear it a lot on Youtube. Most pranksters would play a joke on a total stranger or someone they know very well. It’s all fun and games. But the one that stretches my nerves is the relationship pranks. Breaking up and cheating pranks, to be specific. I’ve seen many Youtube couples that does this all the time. I’m surprised they haven’t break up over something that almost killed their relationship. Pretending to break up or even cheat on someone causes emotional stress and damages. Because what if one day, it’s not a joke and it’s real situation. That’s ten times worse than a simple act of a joke.

Joking about cheating and breaking up with your significant other isn’t a good thing. I’ve had little fooling around with mine about it, but we never drag the joke on. It only last for one second and end of story. I get Youtube is for all views and money. However, I don’t see it as a good way to prank someone. Maybe try to fool around in a harmless situation. Like a parent-teacher conferences. I saw that kind of prank and it was really good. It’s hard not to chuckle. Something like that. Be creative. But never drag on a joke on relationships.

It’s dumb, in my opinion. I’m just shocked how these kind of pranks are so popular on Youtube. Whatever happen to the good pranks? The ones that mean no emotional stress or damages. Just fooling around with a person. If I were to be a Youtuber, I wouldn’t dare to pull that kind of stunt on my boyfriend. Then again, I’m a terrible liar and pranks wouldn’t be my thing. Nor I like to blog everything about my life. I don’t know what I do if I were to be on Youtuber. I’m very camera shy about putting my life on the internet. I rather be ordinary and not risk putting my personal life on the internet via Youtube. The social media platform is very powerful. Anything that seems dramatic and gets recorded, the video could get viral. People get invested and assume assumptions. Yeah, no more relationship pranks. Too much.

How I Met Him

I understand no one is curious how I met my boyfriend. But I feel like telling the story. Here it goes. I actually met him on October 13,2016 in our school’s library. During the Fall semester, I had a one class daily schedule. The class started at 9:15 AM. My dad goes to work around 7:30. What he do is drop me off at school early and I head straight to the library before class starts. The library is basically my sanctuary. It’s my go-to place at school whenever I have a break or free time before class. The day before, I stopped talking to some guy. I’ll call him Goku because he’s a huge fan of the anime, DragonBall Z. Goku and I did like each other. We barely met in September and jumped into dating right away. I told him to take things slow since we barely met. Little to my knowledge, he got head over heels and fell for me quick. On my side, I wasn’t feeling it. He had an obsession, which results into clingy-ness.

I stopped talking to Goku for two weeks. During those two weeks, I met another guy. I’ll call him, “Fat Child” because he’s fat and acts like a ten year old who has no idea what puberty is. Fat Child was this lazy white 20 year old boy who has Yellow fever (aka Asian Obsession). Again, I wasn’t feeling it. I did the worst thing and ghost him out. Fat Child got the message and stopped talking to me. Meanwhile, I decide to go back to Goku and try again by explaining my situation to the story. We got back quick, but things didn’t work out. He knew we weren’t a good match. I don’t know why he even bother trying. So I decided I had to cut him out.

I was for sure done with guys when I told my guy friend, Dan at the time. Dan kept me sane to make sure I was doing okay. On a Thursday morning, the day after I was left disappointed, my boyfriend and I met for the first time. Now, I had seen my boyfriend around during that same week I met him. He recently came to the library to study. I thought he was cute, but wasn’t my type. I didn’t have any thoughts of pursing him. My boyfriend, on the other hand, knew he wanted me the first moment he saw me. But didn’t know how to talk to me. It wasn’t until I made the first move.

My friend, Dan, helped me in text. I had a nervous breakdown when I tried to talk to my boyfriend. Normally, I have confidence. But my boyfriend was nerve wrecking to talk to. I tried to fold a paper airplane to get his attention. However, the airplane I made, was a fail. I had no choice to force myself to approach the boyfriend. So I did and we were so nervous. It took a minute to introduce ourselves and do the basic meeting questions. We exchanged numbers and went from there.

I was happy, but then second thoughts were upon me. I didn’t want to date right away and I knew my boyfriend likes me. So I decide to play the jerk card and try to avoid any feelings at all costs. I thought I got him mad due to the flacking out on our study date. Unfortunately, he couldn’t stay mad because I’m a stranger and need to slow things down. At that time, my boyfriend decide to play his cards right and start off as friends. He and I had easy chemistry, but I always avoid any feelings or going out with the guy. There were so many “No’s”.

But he wouldn’t give up. That’s where I started having feelings for my boyfriend. The more we hung out, the more closer we got. He was about to ask in person if I have feelings for him, but it got interrupted when I dragged my best friend in the picture. He couldn’t say, therefore, he never knew in real life. But that didn’t stop him from texting me. I couldn’t lie, so I told him. After two and a half weeks of talking, he got me. I was really scared at first. I kept getting thoughts of what’s going to happen in the relationship we had. Due to my bad luck, I thought things will go bad. However, I was reminded the chemistry and the determination he had, I was convinced we are meant to be in a relationship.


So we talked the following day, kissed, and got together. I had no “Will you be my girlfriend?” proposal. We asked each other what we want. We talked about the relationship and went from there. Now 6 months later, we are still going well. I love him so much. I may yammer on and on about him quite too much. But it’s okay. I had never done this in my life. So that’s the story. It’s amazing how life works. I never thought I’d come through at all. Love wasn’t a priority in my life. I put more focus on school, friends, and family. I didn’t care about being lonely. Before I met my boyfriend, I vow to stay single for as long as I can after the 3rd ex scared me. I didn’t want a relationship. But little to God’s magic work, he led me to true love. I guess I have my “someone” after all.

The Thing With Gifts

First off, I want to wish everyone a Happy Memorial Day. May all our fallen soldiers and current ones rest in peace/celebrate the day you sacrifice for our country. Anyway, I was on Youtube, watching this cute lesbian couple, Domo and Chrissy. They all legit the funniest couple I’ve seen on Youtube, right next to Bubz and Tim. I love their relationship. It’s so raw and realistic. I did come across their videos of handing gifts to each other on special occasions. The gifts they both receive all so extravagant. Nothing wrong with spending money on each other. It’s their relationship. I just see it as materialistic items. For me, I prefer something made from the heart. It’s the thought that counts.

If I was presented with an expensive gift, I will immediately reject it. Like heck no. I can not accept the gift. Anything above 20 dollars is already expensive. Luxury don’t really please me. I prefer simple gifts because I’m an old soul. Although I did spoil my boyfriend once on Valentine’s Day. I bought a Star Wars Overthrow and card because I know he likes Star Wars. The rest of his gifts were hand-made. His gifts for me were a couple of animal stuffy. It’s not what I expect. I like getting gifts related to my personality. Like journal notebooks, pens, and hand-made gifts. But it’s alright. He did try though. The gift I love the most is his heart. He is the greatest gift I ever received throughout the special occasions we go through.

No matter what he showers or will shower me with, I still think he is the only gift I love. I think it is amazing to bless with a special person in your life. Everyday since November, he has been through with me. Christmas, Birthday, Valentine, and 6 month. In all of the 4 occasions, he is the only gift I love the most. We still got a lot more to go. He has hinted he will surprise me more in the future. I honestly can’t wait for it, but I still think he is the best gift ever. That’s the thing with gifts. I appreciate what’s from the heart. But if my boyfriend wants to go all the way to do it because he wants to. Then that’s cool. I just need to remind him I don’t need all of that. I just need him.

How well you know?

I always make sure I ask myself this question when I get to know someone. Usually by a 6th month mark, I should feel close to the person and already have an idea of who they are as an individual. The rest is history. But lately, questions concerning my relationship with the boyfriend seem to be in doubt. For a couple nights, I had dreams of being in a one second affair with another man and suddenly drop in guilt. Dreams usually are just random. But sometimes they play out your conscious. In real life, I am not a cheater nor will I be one. I still love my boyfriend, but I question why these cheating dreams occur lately.

In an interpretation I found on the internet, it could mean something else. I could feel guilt about something. I don’t have any guilt in the relationship. Maybe the question is “Do I know my boyfriend well?” I feel that should be the question I should be asking. Plus I should reconstruct my thoughts about our relationship. I have plans within the next year that could change the dynamic. I feel the honeymoon phase may be slowing down as I start to realize that mushiness shouldn’t be just the focus.

I think I’m lost in our relationship. I spoken about wanting to talk and ask him more questions about our relationship. But it slipped off my mind. I know it’s only 6 months, but it feels like forever. Other than wanting a commitment from each other, what else is in the relationship? Where is us in a year? Does he have any future ideas about us? What’s he going to do within the next year? What happens when I continue to spread my education goals? All those questions.