Good Morning or wherever you are. (Afternoon, evening, night)
I’m finally on a computer, but it’s not mine. I’m using the school’s library computer. It’s the closest computer I have access to. My MacBook Pro can’t be access due to super laggy. Every time, I click on something, it will load and freeze. I believe it’s dying after almost 7 years. My mother suggested I should upgrade to a new model, however I’m paying out of my own pocket. Meaning I have to cough up $1,000 to buy myself a new MacBook. Now I’m not worried because I do have the money of my own. From my red envelopes to bank account, I should be able to cough up $1,000. Plus I don’t think I have to pay that much money. With research, I discover Apple does this recycling program for every of their products. Not just iPhones. There’s also computers and iPad. You do get money off of it, but it won’t be $1,000. It’s okay.
Plus Apple does have a college student discount for $100. It shouldn’t be a money issue. It’s too bad I have to pay it with my own money. My parents refuse to pay for my new laptop. Well, according to them, I’m no kid. I do have money in my bank account that I’ve been saving up. So it’s appropriate to them that I should pay for it myself. It’s an Asian thing where they say “if you have the money, pay it yourself!” So, after finals, my mom and I will drive down to the Apple Store to get the latest model. My MacBook is an Early 2011 model ; 2nd generation of MacBooks. It is that old. I never had virus or crashing problems through the years I took care of it. Until now, I think it’s time to go for it. Anyway. I’m in finals zone. Everyone is studying at last minute; cramming up like no tomorrow. I, however, don’t need much studying. My two English classes involves essay writing with an open book.
My Art History class is basically reviewing the images and my notes; which I’ve been doing for the past week. Hopefully, I’ll pass all my classes. If everything goes well, this year should be my last year at community college. I already submitted my applications to university. Hopefully, things will be well with me. Good luck to everyone who is currently doing finals! We can do this!
I got a mini rant ahead. Be aware of the angry stuff soon. I’m typing from my iPad because my MacBook Pro became an old lady. It’s lagging and going super slow. I can’t even click on an icon without waiting for a long time. It’s probably a sign of retirement since I’ve had it for almost 7 years. This happened after I got home from Vegas. My Mom’s sister in law decide to book a Las Vegas trip a couple months back. It’s a nice getaway before finals; although I didn’t do much because it’s a city of booze and strippers. But it’s okay. I had an okay trip. Anyway, I want to talk about money. So last year, my brother’s service coordinator offered me a caregiver job. It’s a job where you are take care of disability or seniors.
I immediately took the job offering and made easy $100 each month. It’s not much, but it’s still something. I have enough to pay for my basic needs. However, it really bugged when my mother demands to see how much I have in my account before I even get to say anything. My mother has been a housewife for 20 years. She never worked a day in her life. I like to think my dad spoils her the most since she has access to his money as his account is joint. The quote “my money is your money” is kinda off. I only believe that is true when both partners have a job. If both are working, then it’s acceptable to say my money is also yours because you’re in a partnership.
When it comes to your kids being independent, I don’t think you own their account. My check mails to my house once a month. Every time I get it, my mother has to know everything. If I don’t, she sees it as disrespect and says it’s not my money. I feel it’s a bit of stupidity. You don’t own my account. I work hard for that money, therefore the money isn’t yours to control. She almost want to put her name into my account. Fortunately, the clerk said no. She was mad for that. I personally don’t have a say when it comes to getting the money. Everything has to be in her hands before being used. For her, she didn’t have to ask my dad for the money because she feels she has to freedom to use it whenever she likes. She buys luxury stuff without informing my father. I feel it’s unfair. If I ever marry and my husband has his own money, I won’t control his account. We should get separate accounts in case. However, I won’t mind taking care of him if he wants to go back to school. I will certainly pay for him if the need is important. If it’s luxury gifts, then no.
You know the song “Birthday Sex” by Jeremih? That song is so old! Anyway, the question is “Did anyone had sex on their birthday?” If not, it’s freaking cool! I hardly talk about having sex action on my blog because I don’t have any hot juicy sex story. Most of my sexual activities are involved with the boyfriend. Because being an old fashioned 87 year old lady at heart, I waited for the right person as I did. I think I mention about a thousand times that I lost my virginity to the boyfriend. But never got into the details. Well I think I can recall it since I’m finally ready. If I remember the details.
So before my boyfriend enters my cave, I was a virgin. At first, I was strict on not letting anyone in unless they are worthy. My boyfriend wanted to make love to me in our relationship. However, it kinda took me a while to understand his unhappiness in the beginning. The idea of men wanting sex in a relationship really bugged me. Why get physical when you can do physics? I wasn’t too keen on letting him in since I was afraid. I purposely lay out the three months rule where if he can prove to me, for 90 days exact, that I’m not a hit and quit, then we can do the dirty.
Skip forward to three months exact and I was completely ready to rip my clothes off. However, we didn’t do it on our 3rd month anniversary since it got cut short. My mother wanted me home quick. So we had no choice but to withhold it. That is until my 24th birthday. Yeah, we made love or had sex on my birthday. I turned 24 on Feb 5th of 2017. I don’t remember if I was nervous or excited. All I know is the night before my birthday, he came over. Mind you, I still live with my parents. Don’t judge. LA rent is very expensive. Plus it is more fun when you have sex at night.
Anyway, he came over late at night. I don’t remember how we got started. But as usual, clothes were ripped off gently. His soft lips kissing my skin. Foreplay was inputted. When it was time for him to enter the cave, I was extremely nervous. I kinda freak out a little and told myself, I can’t do it. My naked body just lay there, frighten. Not wanting to risk losing my virginity. After being a virgin for so long, you kinda want to be selfish and not give it away. However, knowing I’m in a committed relationship and intimacy is the important package, I had to do it. My boyfriend had to convince me to trust him that everything will be alright if I let him. So I did.
After 3 hassle months, he entered my cave! Tada! First guy to steal my virginity! I think we were in a missionary position. So he shoved his penis in and out for like 5 minutes. Then he cum and proclaim his love for me. Hahaha. 10 months later, we’re shacking up like no tomorrow! I have no shame. I’m an adult and I like having fun with my boyfriend. I think I suck at telling a sex story. Oh well. You can judge if it’s good or not.
I’ve spoken my old fashioned points of views on sex before. My personal thing is having sex with the right person in a monogamous relationship. For those who just like having casual sex, it’s your deal. I’m not criticizing your life. You’re an adult. You make your own decisions. However, the feelings of loneliness may catch up and before you know it, you’ll be in love again.
There’s this blog I used to follow or that blogger used to follow me, who goes by the name, The girl who couldn’t picture herself in a relationship . You should check her out. She’s got great stories. Anyway, I hate to put her in the spotlight of my blog. I hope she doesn’t mind if she reads this. I just got very intrigued by this topic. The last time I spoken to this girl, she said to me that serious relationships isn’t her thing anymore. After two toxic relationships, she decides to stay away from relationships. But it doesn’t stop her from enjoying sex with any boys. I respect her choice. I figure she must have her fun by now. However, after a while, I decide to come onto her blog to see her recent most update. To my surprise, she got herself in an monogamous relationship.
I’m shocked to see how people who loves casual sex end up in a serious relationship. It’s funny how life works in a mysterious way. Sometimes when we get hurt by toxic people, we tend to forget that there’s someone better for us. We shut down, trained ourselves to become emotionally unavailable, and become dead cruel. After a while, the person we’re meant to be show up in our lives like a fairy godmother. However that fairy godmother had to adjust us before waving her magic wand. Before we know it, we’re like Cinderella dancing away with our Prince. I hope many happiness to those who found love. Never doubt that there isn’t someone out there for you.
This is going to be sorta of a rant. I grew up as an angry child. I have friends that are angry and depressed. Those friends became my 2nd family. The only blood relatives that are close to me are my 1st cousins on paternal’s side. My life is up and down, but I manage. I found the love of my life whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with. He’s bit more emotional and still has a long way to go. Overall, I held these people together like glue. I’ve listened to so many “I hate my family“, “My life is crap“, and “I’m all alone in this world”.
Yet I still am loyal to these people. Why you ask? Because I want to help. I could’ve easily been a jerk and tell them to fuck off. But nope. I hear them out like a therapist. Anytime they feel they need to get things out, I’m their person. What’s craziest is I’m all they got. If I leave, who knows what might happen to them. I love my friends and boyfriend equally. I’d do anything to keep them happy. I have my own problems, but I usually just suck it in and forget it as best as I can. You can say I’m a pretty good friend/girlfriend.
Why am I ranting? Well, sometimes I just want to take off. This sounds really bad. But I feel like taking off. I want to be somewhere quiet where I don’t have to hear people’s daily problems about their dysfunctional family or self hating. It’s easy to tell them that everything will be alright. But it’s hard to tell them to shut up. I’m tired yet I still want to help them. I wish for a different life where I want to see my friends not depressed. I want my boyfriend to make something use for himself. I want everyone to feel good and not worry so much. Just do the best you can and hopefully things will be the way you dreamed of.
Last night, my drunken boyfriend beg me to come over. Usually when I do, he is intoxicated. When he’s intoxicated, he gets extra mushy, honest, and more open. It’s not bad compared to the violent drunk. However, I don’t like tasting beer off his lips no matter how much he tried to get rid of it with mint gum and toothpaste. Anyway, he went ahead and criticized his college life. He’s 21 years old. He should’ve gotten his associate degree long time ago and be in a 4 year University as a 3rd year. I sat there reading the text thinking “Whoa!” Shut the fuck up. No, really. Shut the fuck up. I hate to curse in my blog, but I have to curse. I am angry that the fact he’s doubting himself about college.
Our parents told us to go to college, but not too long. Staying too long in college meant we’re dumb and lazy. Why bother going to school for that long? Might as well drop out and get a nice paying job. First of all, that’s not entirely true. Second, having a degree is better than none. I don’t want to flip burgers at McDonalds for the rest of my life. People have many reasons why it takes them longer to graduate. It could be medical or personal reasons. I personally didn’t know what I was going to do. After taking unnecessary pre-pharmacy classes, I felt like a loser. I wasn’t doing well in my math and sciences courses like any Asian would. However, I notice I excel in my English classes. That should’ve been a green flag to switching out my major to English. Unfortunately, it never occurred to me that I was meant to be an English major until years later.
I’m 24 years old. I should’ve gotten my associates degree in 2016 or earlier. I would’ve joined my other friends who transferred out on time. But nope. I barely submitted my University applications a few weeks back. I’m back to school after taking a semester off to finish up my English degree. Does it bring me down? Not really. Maybe at first when my family started noticing I’ve been in community college too long. My mother threaten me to drop out of college and get a job quick. Because at my age, I should’ve graduated college with a bachelor’s degree and working on my Master’s. It shouldn’t matter because my life doesn’t affect hers. College is not a race. I’m not the only one that feels bad for being at community college too long.
Some of the students at my school posted on our Facebook page, expressing how much of a loser they are for staying too long. Many of us told our stories to enlighten each other that it’s better to have an education than none. Don’t worry about what others think. This is your college life. Never feel too bad about staying too long. Finish what you need to finish and before you know it. That diploma will be in your hands in no time.
I’m just titling that because while I was in the shower. An acquaintance posted a depression status on Facebook regarding her mother telling her life is shit. She’s the same age as me and is doing what every Asian parent want. She graduated from a community college with a nursing Associates. She has a job and going to nursing school while driving around in her own car. Who wouldn’t be proud? I also know someone else in my life that has everything. She finished med school for veterinarian and is working at a local animal clinic. Her mother still says she’s not good enough. I swear our Asian parents need to butt out. It’s pretty stupid how our generation are trying to do our best for our future. However, our parents are never satisfied.
I personally feel their pain. My mom is not only disapproving my life, but also my relationship. I had to live secretly as an English major. My mother thinks I’m doing science. I’m not. I let that dream go a year ago. My relationship is still going well. It’s just her trying to convince me to look for someone better. When I say better, I mean someone who is older and has financial stability. I honestly don’t care about older men and money. It’s not that older men aren’t in my favor. I just came across too many that brags about how much they bank. It’s something that is very unappealing. Also, their mentality on finding themselves and wanting a relationship is not up in their brains. I’m tried of dating. I want a relationship. My mom just doesn’t understand that.
Asian parents are never satisfied. They always want something more. I think in their heads, they think their kids can be a millionaire and buy them expensive mansions. Sorry, mom and dad. That’s not going to happen. It’s clearly impossible to achieve. Unless you’re Priscilla Chen (Mark Zuckerberg’s wife), then there you go. Other than that, butt out.