adulting · parenting

My Narcissistic Mother

Mothers are suppose to be loving and nurturing creatures. They protect their child from dangers and evils in society. However, not many grew up with these type of mothers because either they are gone too soon or never seem to exist. Through my blog, I’ve talked about my troubled relationship between my mother and I. She displays the narrow mindset of a typical Asian parent. My mother wanted me to be a perfect little robot. Go to a good school, work hard 24/7, and live up to the fullest. My 2nd cousins on her side of the family has already displayed the perfect life. They all went to big name Universities, majored in a long lasting money making degree, and did everything perfectly. Growing up, I’ve grown to resent my mother.

It’s hard to portray such hatred against one parent and it feels awful. But within good reasons, I think it’s appropriate. She’s not only a typical Asian immigrant parent, but also a materialistic. My father is the only working person in the family. I don’t get to speak with my father often about my mother due to his full time schedule. Silence is in the relationship. It’s always been that way for the past ten years. My mother would find ways to belittle me for as long as I can remember. If no belittling, she would lecture me to fulfill her dreams of seeing her daughter excelling to the max.

Let me say that doesn’t work well for me. For in my mindset, I rebel against her method of succeeding. I don’t believe in going to a brand name University and guarantee to go into a field of medical or law. It’s not what I want. My mother doesn’t use her ears and assumes she is always right. I’ve been called “stupid”, “pathetic”, and “lazy” most of my life. I understand tough love, but having her go to the extreme isn’t something I love to experience.

I always complain to my friends and 1st cousin (Paternal side) about how horrible my mother is. They all agree fairly that her mindset is too narrow and full of stupidity to develop a relationship with me. I remember all the bitterness I felt for her when I was a teenager. As a grown woman, sometimes I still feel that way, however, I decide to not argue with her as much. Because I realize nothing about her will change. I tried to be calm and attempted at reasoning with her. But none can be done. Our relationship was already damaged since Day 1.

There are little times where I just want to throw myself off the cliff and be gone. I hate this woman so much. It’s impossible. It’s why I never seek wisdom or advice as I get older. She wasn’t there when I was going through hard times. Even if she demands to know what’s up with my life, I never speak a word of it. She blames the troubles of our relationship, mostly on me. Her complaints and whiny lectures sinks in my brain to the point where I’m emotionally and mentally tired.

I have people trying to console me that my mother isn’t the person in charge of my life. I am in charge of my own. Whatever I do is for me, not her. Why bother caring what she says? It’s your life. I wish it was easy to ignore, but it’s hard. I pray when I have my own daughter,  I won’t treat her the same as my mother. But I can’t tell what the future holds in me. My parenting method will consists of Asian style but also mixed in with Western. I won’t try to mold my children into little robots, but I want them to succeed and never give up easily. I want to keep them grounded as best as I can. At the same time, I want my children to come to me as parent whenever they are in trouble. I don’t want them to ever feel they’re alone.

That’s my plan on raising my children. I hope to become the best mother I can be and not be a replica of my own mother. It’ll be a living nightmare if I do. Then again, I can’t see what’s in my future. I don’t think when my mother was my age, she felt this way with her mother before becoming one herself. I don’t believe she ever had thoughts of resenting her own mother. For she will do anything to please my grandmother. Sounds like a generation of hypocrites after hypocrites. I hope I don’t turn out like her.

adulting · identity · life

About Me

After ten years of personal youth growing, I found who I am as an individual. My personality consists of an emotional independency, open minded, and old soul heart. While I have found the person in me, there are many others who struggles of finding who they are. It takes years of work and improvement, but we’re all get there eventually. I’ve talked of my opinions on relationships and person growth on this blog. I’m sure most would agree with my mindset on how I deal with my life. Especially in the love department. My guy friends are the ones I should thank.

My friends are the reason of who I am today. If it weren’t for them, I’d probably still be that angry teenager. I’ve been re-reading the blogs I’ve posted about relationships. Including with discussing about my boyfriend’s trust issues and insecurity. I have a huge heart. Whoever is important to me, they are the priority. Even when I’m busy, I’ll do my best to be there for them whenever I can. I never put a guy as my priority. My old mindset used to believe that family and friends are more important than a guy. To me, relationships come and go. But friends and family are forever.

I can never replace them. However, since my boyfriend came in the picture, I finally found a place for him as a priority. I make sure that I have time for everyone. It’s quite the balance. I want to believe that I am a good person for both family/friends and boyfriend. If I’m not with the boyfriend, I’m mostly with friends or family. If I’m with my boyfriend, I try my best to give my full undivided attention without having a phone in my hand. I think it’s been going well since then. My boyfriend used to dislike my emotional independency because he sees it as a cruel way to avoid him. It isn’t. I just give too much space. Now I learn to text him once in a day to let him know I miss him and that I love him. I’m slowly learning.

I wouldn’t say I’m perfect, but I’m good enough to be a girlfriend. Intimacy wasn’t something I would touch before. Mainly because I couldn’t see myself in a long term with previous guys in my past. Plus no chemistry was involved. I thought I was being very picky, but the boyfriend proved me wrong. I was really waiting for the right one to come along. Totally worth every second. I guess I changed a little bit for the better in a romantic relationship. My old self wouldn’t do all the above. But I did all the above for the right one. I think I have accomplished my goal. Now, I have to prepare for the long run. Am I ready? As I said in my previous blogs, yes I am.