life

That’s not a girl.

I am mistaken once again. Turns out that “girl” is my boyfriend’s gay best friend. He sure has the hots for him. I’ve heard about the gay best friend here and there, but never spoken the name. I always known him as the “fat gay guy”. I honestly don’t mind since that’s how their relationship is. I just hope he doesn’t go too far. I mean, I have friends in the LBGT department. They never try anything with me. Then again, they don’t really have that relationship with me. I never been hit on by a girl as far as I know. If I were to have that experience, I’d be shocked. Flattering but I’m not interested.

Also I knew that looking at my boyfriend’s phone without permission is a total invasion of privacy. Before he forgave me, I offer him the same to look through my phone. I got nothing to hide. He declined since he trust me enough. Instead he offered that in the future we both should request for our phone and Facebook if we ever feel doubts and/or insecure. I agreed to the terms and another one.

Man, relationships are pretty complex. But I’m still learning. Maybe I should record my journey and lessons in this relationship. It’s a good experience.

life

Unsure of him?

This practically something has been bothering me since this morning. As a routine, my boyfriend would sneak into my house and sleep over. I woke up an hour early than him, so I turned on my technology and stayed at my desk. It’s unusual of me because I normally still be in bed by the time he wakes up. But I didn’t mind. I was still in a happy mood. His phone was right next to my laptop, so I picked up and went through it.

Now, I’m not the type to go through someone’s else phone. To me, it’s an invasion of privacy. I wasn’t paranoid or anything. I was curious to see what is his life on the phone. I scrolled to the text messages he sent to people. One practical conversation caught me by the eye. It was from a girl. The conversation had me in confusion.  I wasn’t sure if they’re friends or flirty with each other. It seems friends and a bit of flirty. A few of the texts I saw weren’t what friends would say to each other. He did mention me here and there. But it’s not enough to convince me what’s going on within the text.

At that moment, I became unsure about our relationship. I didn’t tell my boyfriend I knew about this girl. He woke up just in time before I finished reading the last text. I felt guilty yet sad about going through his personal conversation. I also never had the guts to ask any questions. He had to get out of my house quick before parents find out. But when we said goodbye, I felt awkward with his kisses and hugs. At the moment, I couldn’t feel any trust for my boyfriend. It’s almost as if my heart is tugging out of my chest. He knew what I’m feeling, but didn’t know why.

He thought of something else. I wasn’t mad at what he told me. I was thinking about that girl. I started wondering if our relationship is meant to be or not. Reading the texts, it’s almost as if he’s himself with the girl. I already talked to one of my guy friends and he advised me to confront him. Meanwhile, I should put some strict rules.

Being me, I don’t want to become a controlling girlfriend. I know the difference between a friend and fuck buddy. I have guy friends, too. They know their boundaries and limits. I say the same for my boyfriend’s friends. Guy or girl. Doesn’t matter. But if that girl is trying to snatch my boyfriend, I swear I will ban her from talking to him. What I read isn’t pleasant in a girlfriend’s eyes. I’m hoping nothing is betrayed because I don’t want it to happen again. I already been through it once with a different person. So far, I’m taking some space for a day or two just to think. He already knows and anger isn’t in the air. I hope honesty will be key to this.

life

Updates on Maternal Grandfather

It’s been a few days with flying back and forth, but a decision is made. My uncle decided not to pull the plug. Reason why is that my grandfather was showing little reaction to my aunts talking to him. Because of that, the family decide to continue the treatment and see if he does improve. Right now, my grandfather is in a coma, but there are circulations and breathing inside his body. Just no brain function. I guess I have no choice but to comply with my family’s wishes.

Then again, it would be good for the family to see him one last time. So for the time being, the wires and ventilator are switched, but his body will be transported to a nursery home since hospital can’t hold him any longer. This reminds me of my paternal grandfather’s position. After my 7th birthday, he went in to get surgery to remove kidney stones. Unfortunately, the surgery didn’t went well. As a result, he was placed in a coma. For 5 months, family visited him from time to time. He didn’t wake up. By July 14,2000, he was declared dead. As a 7 year old, I never saw my paternal grandfather again. Nor did I said my goodbye.

All I remember was seeing his lifeless body in a casket. With crying family members and ceremony, that was my last memory of my paternal grandfather. I feel my maternal grandfather will go through the same position. Except I don’t know how long he will be attached to wires. In the long run, the doctor told me he might not wake up. May take 6 months to a year. But at his age, it’s highly unlikely that he will survive. My uncle wouldn’t dare to let him go that quick. So he requested more treatments in order to give us a longer time to spend more time with him. I guess it doesn’t hurt. Plus extended family will have the chance to see him before the worst comes.

life · Uncategorized

Death is only the Beginning

I literally thought of that quote of the “The Mummy”. It’s where Imhotep’s body becomes mortal and his body sinks into the dark water. I wish I could insert a GIF, but I can’t find it. Anyway, terrible situation happened in my family. Every time I even think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach.

On the morning of Father’s Day, my 80 year old maternal grandfather went into Hypoxia. He was transported to a hospital near his home. Unfortunately, by the time his body reaches to the hospital, his breathing and heart already stopped. My grandpa’s body was unconscious. Doctors and nurses tried everything to resuscitate him, but barely any luck. Now his body is being attached to a machine that helps him breathe. Without it, he will die. Being an elderly, I know the chances of survival is at a minimum. Doctors and nurses all gave the same opinions. Even they have translations for my family and they still said the same.

I already accepted the fact that no medical professional can save my grandpa at this stage. Even if he survives, his body will be attacked to an oxygen tank forever. This isn’t the first time death has been upon us. I lost my other grandfather and two great uncles from both sides of the family. But I never seen a lifeless body attached to a machine, being so up close. I only knew from watching “Grey’s Anatomy“. It really does help out a lot from how the medical stuff happening in real life. Basic stuff.

It’s sad that this is a hard summer for my mom’s side. Especially when Father’s Day was suppose to be a happy celebration. My mom’s sister was planning to buy roasted duck, chicken, and cake to bring it over to the house. I was going to treat out my father for dinner. Unfortunately, family emergency was in. We had to cancel our plans and stayed home for a home cooked meal.

I really don’t want to see my grandpa to suffer anymore. For half a year, he’s been going through surgery to loosing weight. Being stuck in bed. I want to make the best decision for my grandpa. And that is to let him go and God will take care of him. But I can’t say much because I don’t get to make the decisions. It is up to my uncle to make the decision. So far, it’s undecided.

 

life

Should You Tell?

So I read an article from Odyssey Online, talking about whether the author should tell they’re trans or not. I’ll leave the article here if you’re curious to read it.

No,I Don’t Have To Tell

The article basely talks of a story of a trans woman who was brutally murdered in 2014 by a marine. In the marine’s excuse, he said he reacted in a panic. She was deceitful and a rapist. The author points out and made a very awful point how trans do have the right to not tell anyone they’re trans before they’re dating someone. It is not deceitful and the trans didn’t force sex on anyone. To not be attracted to trans is equal to transphobic.

Now there was a counterattack article, responding to the author saying you have to tell that you are trans before dating someone. The article is linked after the author finishes her statement on the bottom. It should say “Yes, You Have to Tell”.

In my personal experience, Los Angeles doesn’t have many transgender community. I never met a transgender person nor I seen one. I did hear about the term a while back when stumbling across two transgender stories that was made into a lifetime movie. I personally  don’t think it’s cool to brutally murder someone just because you “panic” once you found out they don’t have the genitals you desired. But the decision to whether the trans person should tell or not is really all up to them. They don’t have to tell right away if they’re trans. It really all depends whether they’re comfortable in telling or not. But sooner or later, their partner will find out and who knows how they’re going to react.

As far as having sex with a trans, it’s really unjustified to tell if it is rape or not. Personally, I wouldn’t go to bed with someone on the first date. I would give my partner a few months before jumping into the bedroom scene. That’s how my boyfriend and I got intimate. I gave him three months to prove he’s not in it for sex. Most of the offers I got in the past were 100% penis. No transgender was online. Like I said, Los Angeles LGBT community don’t have that many trans. But if I were to come across one, I don’t know if I would to be attracted to one. Usually I could get a sense of who they are without telling me. It’s no contest. I got nothing against transgender people.

It is their life. But if I were to get involved with a trans-male, it’ll be difficult for me. I’m 100% straight. I prefer CIS male penis. In my relationship goals, I want to mate and breed with my partner. In easy English, I want my own biological children. It’s a validate reason to not be involved with a transgender. Some people want their own children. Sure, there’s adoption and/or third party. But it won’t cut out for me because I want to experience pregnancy.

I’m sorry if I seem like an asshole for not going for a trans-male. But it is my decision. I have the right to reject a trans-male if I’m not attracted to them. However, it doesn’t mean I’m transphobic. They can be friends with me if they want to. In no way, I will reject them as a human being. The trans community really put the whole society in backwards. I understand that they want to be accepted in society and don’t want to ever feel rejected. But here’s a thing. Everyone gets rejected. You, Me, and Bigfoot. I’m sure there is someone for the trans community. Maybe they can see them as the genitals they desired and no problems would occurred. It all depends on time.

So to answer the question, “Should You Tell?”, of course you should tell. But people shouldn’t demand the answer right away. In all relationships, honesty is the best policy. However, it should be given time to get comfortable before telling. If they don’t tell and you find out on your own, best to not “take care of things in your own hands”. They are still human. Let them be and figure out later.

 

life · lifestyle · love

How do I not?

I’ve been trying to stay stable, but my emotions can’t take it. I haven’t heard anything from the boyfriend so far. The first fight really sucks balls. Why does it have to happen? I just wish I can plunge a knife in my heart, so that I don’t feel anymore pain. How do you do this? It’s very hard to be on the other side, wondering. I haven’t been able to be myself the whole day. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It’s like I’m falling into a depression. No matter how strong I tried to be, feelings keep coming back. I’m not a horrible person. For someone I love so deeply, I couldn’t help but think of him. All I want is to be in his loving arms and stay there forever. I want to feel his kisses and hugs. Can’t this be done?

I don’t like to tell how am I when it comes to being asked if I cared after broken-up. My emotions are always kept to myself. Because it’s best if the person don’t know. The majority of the time, I do careless if it’s someone I never cared for. There is the one time where depression did show up once after a break-up. I haven’t felt it since two years ago. With my 2nd ex, I thought I’ll be okay after the disaster. But as time goes on, my depression starts showing. I couldn’t be myself for a while. I still was able to function throughout the day. But as far as emotions goes, it’s hard not to.

For someone who tries to be realistic, I am just as hopeless as anyone in a break-up. The difference is I cry silently rather than out loud. I feel alone when it comes to these situation. This whole thing feels similar to a boxing match. Except I’m not the one throwing the punches. I don’t know what to do. Should I wait for the answer? Or run for the heck out of it? I’m so conflicted.

adulting · identity · life

About Me

After ten years of personal youth growing, I found who I am as an individual. My personality consists of an emotional independency, open minded, and old soul heart. While I have found the person in me, there are many others who struggles of finding who they are. It takes years of work and improvement, but we’re all get there eventually. I’ve talked of my opinions on relationships and person growth on this blog. I’m sure most would agree with my mindset on how I deal with my life. Especially in the love department. My guy friends are the ones I should thank.

My friends are the reason of who I am today. If it weren’t for them, I’d probably still be that angry teenager. I’ve been re-reading the blogs I’ve posted about relationships. Including with discussing about my boyfriend’s trust issues and insecurity. I have a huge heart. Whoever is important to me, they are the priority. Even when I’m busy, I’ll do my best to be there for them whenever I can. I never put a guy as my priority. My old mindset used to believe that family and friends are more important than a guy. To me, relationships come and go. But friends and family are forever.

I can never replace them. However, since my boyfriend came in the picture, I finally found a place for him as a priority. I make sure that I have time for everyone. It’s quite the balance. I want to believe that I am a good person for both family/friends and boyfriend. If I’m not with the boyfriend, I’m mostly with friends or family. If I’m with my boyfriend, I try my best to give my full undivided attention without having a phone in my hand. I think it’s been going well since then. My boyfriend used to dislike my emotional independency because he sees it as a cruel way to avoid him. It isn’t. I just give too much space. Now I learn to text him once in a day to let him know I miss him and that I love him. I’m slowly learning.

I wouldn’t say I’m perfect, but I’m good enough to be a girlfriend. Intimacy wasn’t something I would touch before. Mainly because I couldn’t see myself in a long term with previous guys in my past. Plus no chemistry was involved. I thought I was being very picky, but the boyfriend proved me wrong. I was really waiting for the right one to come along. Totally worth every second. I guess I changed a little bit for the better in a romantic relationship. My old self wouldn’t do all the above. But I did all the above for the right one. I think I have accomplished my goal. Now, I have to prepare for the long run. Am I ready? As I said in my previous blogs, yes I am.