Just putting it out there

So sorry I haven’t blogged in a while. There isn’t much topic to touch. Plus I’ve been getting ready to go back to school since it’s definitely around the corner. Anyway, there’s this white supremacy going on. The media is blasting out stories and memes are posted criticizing the situation. A few days back, there was an white supremacy protests amongst the KKK and neo-nazi people in Charlottesville, Virginia. Apparently, these people were all screaming and telling us minorities to fuck off. Counterprotesters were nearby and a fight were lit. In my honest opinion, this isn’t how our country is suppose to be found on. I personally have never come across any racism in my life. California barely has any racism. It’s very rare for a white person to be telling off a minor that they don’t belong if certain English language wasn’t spoken.

But I’ve read stories and histories based on such topic. I have to say it is horrible for how this country is divided. Everyone is fighting with each other. Since Trump took the throne, the people who had been left behind under the Obama administration, decide it’s their turn to take over. After the Charlottesville protest, there was a video from the 1940s surfaced up. It was a public message of anti-fascism. I’ll post the video if you haven’t watched it.

Funny how it feels exactly the same as today. If people from 70 years ago told us not to fight with each other, then we should be able to do it. Unfortunately, nothing has changed in the last 100 years. Racism has always existed. We can make a change and fix our families’ mistake. We just need to stop attacking each other’s political views. Don’t let the media and government tell you that the country should be divided. That’s not what the United States is based upon. America is based upon the melting pot. We all come together as united. Don’t be a sucker.


Meeting at Funeral?

Tomorrow is my maternal grandfather’s funeral. That will be my last day to see him before he is buried underground. Mostly, I’m not sad, but I am coping. Also prepared for some crying. Anyway, I’m pretty itching on boyfriend attending the funeral. Originally, I wanted him to attend the funeral in support. But since he hasn’t met the entire family yet, he decide to not come.  I agree with his statement. Meeting the whole family is a huge deal. He only met my mother, her brother, and sister in law back in March. Between March and now, he hasn’t had luncheon or meeting with any other family members. So I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to meet them all at a funeral.

My mother commented how unconcerned he is. I sat there, thinking how ridiculous she sounds. My grandfather is dead. There will be a roomful of strangers mourning for him. That is the worst way to meet my family. Who wants to meet a significant other’s family at a funeral? I sure wouldn’t, but I will give my emotional support to my boyfriend. I think it’s more appropriate to attend if the person is close to my family. But he’s not. So, it’ll be so awkward for him. I think my mother is just being ridiculous.

Also, we’ve been together for 9 months. Well, tomorrow is my 9th month anniversary with him. So that is a happy note. I’m sure there’s plenty of time to meet the rest of my family members. Just not tomorrow. I’m not angry with my boyfriend for not coming. I agree it’s best if he just stays home. So meeting your family for the first time should be at a dinner setting. Not funeral. Worst timing ever.


Single Or Relationship?

People are very interesting. When you’re single, you wonder about being in a relationship with that special person. When you’re in a relationship, you wonder about being single and envy the single people. For me, I didn’t care. I never get jealous of people in a relationship nor was I in misery of being single. Now I’m in a relationship, I can’t act like I’m single. It’s disrespectful to the other person. Everyone knows that except couples in open relationships if discussed. I’m a huge fan of monogamous relationships. I love being tied to one person. I always glamours about it, too. However, it’s not much of a glamorous thing as I ever imagine. There’s some perks to being in a relationship.

Sometimes  I wonder if I had to give up my old life. My old life mostly consists of spending some time alone and with family/friends. At the same time, I never believed in love. Love was the last thing on my mind. My new life consists of family/friends with boyfriend in the mix. But also I believe in love for the first time. After 8 months, I wonder if being in a relationship can be worth it. Don’t get me wrong. I love my boyfriend. But there’s a little of me that wants some alone adventure. I hardly had any alone time these days.

I miss spending time alone. But when I do spend alone time, I want my boyfriend to be by my side. Which is something an independent girl doesn’t want in her alone time. I guess I’m trying my best not to be selfish. Is it wrong to hate being in a relationship? I’m scared I’ll miss out on some things I want to achieve. Months will turn into a year. Then years turn into eternity. For now, I’m just a girlfriend. But later if I become a wife and mother, I wonder if I will achieve before that happens. Or maybe I feel like I’m not me in a relationship. We don’t talk much about anything. So much for imagining being with someone who’s like your best friend.


Life Sucks, Then You Die

My 9th grade Career Pathways teacher used to quote that many times. I don’t know what he meant by that. I was going to blog yesterday, but didn’t quite felt like it. It has to do with dealing with emotional sadness.

After a month and a few days, I lost my maternal grandfather to death at 3 AM. On the previous day, I made plans with my friends, but my mom cut short. So I was upset that I couldn’t go. But I had a terrible feeling something was going to happen. I didn’t get it at the tip of my finger. Who knew the nurses would be calling you at 2 AM in the morning, but your phone is off. When you wake up a few hours later, you hear the voicemail and had some confusion to why it sounds so urgent. I called back the number, but no one answered.

I figured why not wait for them to call. I think about 20 minutes kicked in and a phone call was received. I answered and it was from a doctor. She informed me about my grandfather’s death on a Sunday morning. I knew his death was coming, but I was still lost at words. I could barely speak anything. The emotional stress took a toll on me and I ran out of my room, with my phone in my hand. Before I reached the front door, my dad immediately got up and came over to me.

He knew what was going on. Daughter crying and doctor calling. My dad asked me, “Is grandpa dead?” I nodded yes while sobbing my ass off. The doctor finally spoke out and said “I’m so sorry, Jane“. I wanted to tell her it’s okay, but I could barely get any words out. All I can do was cry and informed my parents about my grandfather’s death. My mom was in the yard and she had no idea what’s going. She thought I was crying for no reason. Her face was annoyed and told me to utter out. As soon  as I uttered out the news, her facial went from annoyed to sadness.

That was my Sunday morning. 24 hours ago, my mother lost her own father to death. We’re all very sad by the news. I couldn’t believe my maternal grandfather would face death so quick. I thought for sure my maternal grandmother was going to die. Apparently not. It’s also a coincidence, too. My paternal grandfather died 17 years ago on this month, but on the 14th. I lost both of my grandfathers 17 years apart. Now I have no more grandpas. It’s only my grandmas that are left. Lesson learned. Treasure your loved ones. You may never know when they’ll be gone.


Till Near Death

I haven’t spoken about my maternal grandfather’s condition since June. In the beginning, it was a big chunk of messy back and forth between the decision. I think about last week, we finally came to a decision. We decide on DNR with comfort measures. At this point, my grandfather is showing physical signs close to death. He has difficulty breathing, urine is in tea color, and feet/hands swelling up. My uncle (Mom’s brother) felt emotional pain and regret inside of him. Even though he knows the consequence, he still want to push further measures for my grandfather. I do understand it’s hard to lose a parent. No matter what age they’re in. But to act upon this now, it’s too late. My uncle hasn’t been the greatest son of all.

The reason why my grandfather is in this position is because of the poor condition he has been given. Prior to hospital, both of my maternal grandparents were happy and healthy. But because of the living condition between them and my aunt’s parents, both suffered emotional and physical. As soon as he’s close to dying, that is when my uncle suddenly have a heart of change and would do anything to keep him alive. I fully understand his pain and emotions. But no plead to keep him alive is going to help. My grandfather is close to dying. Why didn’t you do the nice things earlier?

Blaming doctors and hospitals as wrongful death has nothing to do with the situation. You’re just beating yourself up because he’s going to die. No chance of survival. The only thing you can do now is spend as much time with him as best you can. When the time comes, we’ll all stick together and pray that grandfather goes to sleep in peace. Doctors already said this millions of times. My uncle couldn’t let it sink in. I guess I don’t blame him for needing more time. He’s not like the rest of us who already know what’s going to happen and are preparing for the worst. This has been a rough summer for me, too. I hope to cope easy with this situation and be ready for the worst.

life · love

Domestic Abuse

In society, when a male abuses a female, people are quick to react and defend for the female. But when it’s reversed, society sees it as a pathetic situation. Male victims are unlikely to get the help they need. I honestly would help both victims. It doesn’t matter what gender you are. If you are a victim of any abuse, I’d definitely would help you.

This blog is inspired by a recent situation happening in my boyfriend’s family. I’m the only one with the enclosed information. Last night, my boyfriend came over as a safety getaway to hide from his stepmom. His stepmom aka Dad’s girlfriend was acting up again. We all heard stories of evil stepmothers in fairy tales and real life. Step-parents are quick to be labelled as evil figures in a child’s life. In my opinion, it depends on how lucky you are to find someone who will treat your child as their own.

My boyfriend’s Dad isn’t what you call lucky. Both of them have been living together with the woman for a year. It wasn’t a pleasant surprise that she has personal issues with my boyfriend. In the beginning, they were all getting along just fine. Until true colors start appearing more, things got out of hand. I personally had met my boyfriend’s dad. He is a very gentle person. Although I only spoken to him on quick basis, I got a feeling he’s a good man. In no way do I see his Father as anything otherwise.

His stepmom, however, is quite another story. Last night, my boyfriend texted me that his stepmom was acting up. She threatened with violence and victim playing against the father. We don’t know why she was acting up. It was probably due to her getting caught by boyfriend from ruining a father’s day gift. I think it’s a typical case of evil stepmother syndrome. To be honest, she hates my boyfriend. Because he’s not her biological child, she sees him as a threat in the family. The woman would belittle and create lies just to badger my boyfriend.

She would “claim” how emotionally unstable and an abusive he is towards women and children. I say those are false claims. Because I’ve been in a relationship with him for 8 months and in no way did he ever display those behaviors. I understand 8 months is too early to detect, but it’s enough for me to know my boyfriend isn’t what the stepmom claims. If he were to display those behaviors, he would’ve shown early and I wouldn’t be with him.

The Dad knows she is out of hand, but only hangs onto the relationship just for sakes of the lease. It won’t expire until  4 months in. Honestly, she hasn’t been the greatest person in the house. My boyfriend’s Dad pays for everything in the house. For her, she’s been living there rent free. The only time she paid for the house was the down payment. It’s still not enough. This is a pretty obvious move to get my boyfriend out. I think she’s doing all of this just to kick my boyfriend out and have the Dad to herself.

Unfortunately, his dad sees bullshit and doesn’t love her anymore. So how are they going to keep up with domestic abuse in the house for the next 4 months? I don’t know. This happened more than once but less than five. I urge my boyfriend to stay safe in case if something happens. I hate to predict the worst case scenario, but it’s unpredictable. Please share this as awareness to Domestic Abuse. It goes both ways. No one should be treated any different. Men are victims too.


That’s not a girl.

I am mistaken once again. Turns out that “girl” is my boyfriend’s gay best friend. He sure has the hots for him. I’ve heard about the gay best friend here and there, but never spoken the name. I always known him as the “fat gay guy”. I honestly don’t mind since that’s how their relationship is. I just hope he doesn’t go too far. I mean, I have friends in the LBGT department. They never try anything with me. Then again, they don’t really have that relationship with me. I never been hit on by a girl as far as I know. If I were to have that experience, I’d be shocked. Flattering but I’m not interested.

Also I knew that looking at my boyfriend’s phone without permission is a total invasion of privacy. Before he forgave me, I offer him the same to look through my phone. I got nothing to hide. He declined since he trust me enough. Instead he offered that in the future we both should request for our phone and Facebook if we ever feel doubts and/or insecure. I agreed to the terms and another one.

Man, relationships are pretty complex. But I’m still learning. Maybe I should record my journey and lessons in this relationship. It’s a good experience.