We Are Not Failures

This past month, I felt like jumping off a cliff and hoping I died of head injuries. Usually in the new year, I’d feel happy for the first couple months in the year. Mainly because of Chinese New Year and my birthday. However, I don’t feel happy. My mother started complaining since 2016. As I’m getting older, she complains about how much of a failure I am. No job, sucky education, and no car. According to her, I’m suppose to repay her with everything. I should have graduated from a prestigious school with a high-paying degree. With that degree, I should get a well-paying job so I don’t have to feel insecure about my financial status. Also, I should’ve gotten my driver’s licenses at age 16 and with my own car driving my parents around the city.

But I didn’t do all that. Instead, I stayed home and attended a community college for 6 years. I have a job that barely makes decent money. I ride the bus to school everyday. If I want to hang out with my friends or boyfriend, either I call in a lyft or pray to Jesus that one of my friends have a car to borrow for the day. Dates have to be nearby our houses or a city away. We can’t go anywhere further. That is failure to my mother. What better way than to be at home, hearing so many complaints from her. It is a nightmare. I find her worries extremely negative to the max. You don’t know how many days I am tired of hearing the same complaints for the last two years.

Parents hold this dream of their kids being a perfect little robot so they can show off what great of an invention they made. Well, as a daughter with a broken relationship with a high expectation mother, fuck those parents. We’re not made to achieve your dreams. We’re here to fulfill ours. I get you as our providers that you’re stressing on us, wondering when will we achieve everything. But you’re not doing a good job here. As parents, you have to let your kids decide what they want in life. Not go according to what you think. We’re in college because we want to find our passions and ourselves. If your kid want to pursue a dance major, support them. If they want to be an English major, let them be. Let your kids do what they want, not what you want. Never call your kids a failure. They are way more useful than you think.

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Status: In a Relationship

Now hold the guns down. Don’t scream. Relax. The fiancé decides to be called the boyfriend.

Yes, we called it off. But for a good reason. First of all, he felt uncomfortable about the whole engagement thing. Second, he admit it was a jackass move. But in the end, we worked it out. To be honest, I didn’t feel good about being engaged so fast. I said yes because I thought that’s what he want. And I asked him if he was sure. He said he was after being sober the next day. A couple weeks in, everything was ugh. So after crying and talking it out, we came to a conclusion. I know it’s a mess. But that’s how relationships are. People get hurt all the time. But if you work it out, things will be okay. I honestly love him very much. There’s not a doubt in mind that I don’t want to be with him. I don’t know why girls get biased when I tell my problem out. I think because I tell it differently. For guys, they analyze and see it in a guy’s point of view.

Anyway, I didn’t enjoy being engaged for two weeks. It’s not that I don’t like it. I just didn’t feel comfortable with the whole status. Plus either of us told our family. I only told a few friends of mine. So no biggie. It’s for the best. There will be an engagement in the future. Just not drunk and definitely more efficient. But yeah, that’s the deal. I’m very happy with our decisions. Maybe next time I’ll be engaged for sure. But for now, he’s my boyfriend.

Never Blast Your Ex on Social Media

I have an old high school classmate who got cheated on yesterday. How do I know? The classic post on Facebook, raging on how much of a douche her ex is. kdZE1

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen these kind of posts. The first time she got cheated on was back in 2012. As a young fresh-out of high school girl, I feel sorry for her. I hope she find someone a lot better than her first ex. Now I’m older, I feel very petty for her. I won’t disclose any real names. So I’ll use Cece. Cece and I aren’t really friends. I just knew her from high school. Cece and I grew up together, but we’re not close. Back then, she was more free spirited. When she got to college, she began involving herself with 3rd wave feminism and social justice warrior movements. Anything that has to do with feminism or politics, she’s there. Most of her views are biased. I’ve seen many posts on her Facebook talking political without research. That’s what social justice warriors do. They don’t research. Feminism is a bust because we’re flashing back to kindergarten. You can’t stop bad people from raping. They’re gunna do it regardless of power and status.

Anyway, Cece posted the “I got cheated on” status. Everyone flooded onto her page and immediately send their regards. I personally didn’t want to send my regards to her. Because I know immediately, she’s going to trash talk her ex. I understand it’s her Facebook and she’s allowed to post whatever she likes. However, I see this as a more personal thing between him and her. I understand getting cheated on is the worst ever. You feel betrayed, hurt, and mortified. I once got cheated on 3 years ago. But I never blast my ex on Facebook. We stopped talking to each other. I never asked him for closure.  I express through poetry and private journal entries. If I seriously want to vent in real life, I vent to my close friends. I like to keep my business away from Facebook.

It’s better to move on privately. No one needs to know you got cheated on by your douche ex. It doesn’t make you a better person. By trashing your ex on Facebook, it doesn’t make you look any better. It’s worse than the ex. I’m not justifying for what Cece’s ex did was right. But Cece is doing it wrong. It’s like saying “Yes, I know your ex cheated”. But cut the crap up. You’re a grown ass adult. Get off Facebook and get a new hobby. Kick that motherfucker to the curb. If you want to express, do it privately and keep it around your circle. The whole world doesn’t need to know your ex is a douche.

 

Forever Disgruntled Daughter

I feel like I’m always going to be 5 around my mother. As an young adult, there’s no escape from my mother’s antics. This past weekend was suppose to be a happy occasion. Chinese New Year is always my favorite holiday when it comes to my culture. I get so many red envelopes filled with cash. But in the end, I had to give up to my mother because technically she believes everything is owe back to her. But nonetheless, it’s suppose to be a happy weekend. However, I am not happy. My mother has always been bickering about me in general. From Daddy’s spoiled rotten little girl to a failure as woman and scholar. What’s worse is she disapproves of my relationship due to her nonsense traditional reasoning.

My close friends all tell me that things will get better and I must not be negative. I tried to take in their advice, but dealing with a bitch everyday is impossible to lose it. Don’t worry. I didn’t lose my mind. Although in my head I always felt like wanting to go mad at her.

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But I can’t. Because who knows what she’ll say to me. She always been non supportive and judgmental. I’m never free to make my own choices and decisions. Not once can she be proud of where I am today. I wish she can stop treating me like a child and start seeing I’m a grown woman. Apparently, she wouldn’t. Because a grown woman in her description is not someone who disobeys their parent. Someone who acts like a smart ass , kiss-up, and pleases people. Basically a robot. I’m not sure how long I can tolerate before my mind goes volcanic eruption mad.

Mom Disapproves Fiancé

For the past year, I’ve been getting hints from my mother that I should break up with my fiancé. In all honesty, she doesn’t know I’m engaged. I haven’t spoken to any of my family members about my engagement. In my engagement blog, I did mention he and I are going to be engaged for 2 to 4 years. We’re just trying to adjust our financial and living situation before the big day. Anyway, since Monday afternoon, my mother made her final threat to break off with my fiancé. I honestly don’t know what made her decide to yell at me to get it in my head. But it was over something that happened last year. The luncheon between my fiancé and mother had a language and culture barrier. Being a traditional Chinese woman, she sees my fiancé as a cancer to our family. Because he didn’t associate with our culture, such as the mannerism at the table, she immediately says “No way”.

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Without any 2nd opinions, she sees him as nothing to the family. My mother can hold a grudge against someone for quite a while. I did suggest my fiancé to show up at my house with flowers as a sign of an apology for her birthday. Seeing him behind the gate, she doesn’t want him around. My mother never gave him a chance to speak. Almost an immediate rejection. We both didn’t bother trying again since she’s a stubborn woman. Up till now, she broke her sanity and start yelling at me. I guess my paternal grandmother and her made theories of my instant weight drop as a sign of relationship problems.  My mother believed I’m killing myself over the fiancé. Also, my grandmother points out that I display more attentions towards him. She called me stupid and naive. She still stick to her beliefs that the person I’m in a relationship with is not a man. Being conservative, she sees that an older man is more suitable for me. To her, an older man is more mature and stable.

So in the end, my mother threatens me to break off with my fiancé. If I don’t listen to her, I will end up suffering. If I marry him, he will not be acknowledge as her son-in-law. He’s forever a cancer to her. I’m having a feeling she’ll do anything to get me to break off my relationship with him. For the past year, I haven’t done it since she first told me “Find someone else.” I guess I’m playing poker with my relationship and going all in. Meaning, I can’t look back and regret. This is the beginning of my life.

Opening Up to Dad

Well, this morning was an amazing and oblivious discovery. For the first time in 20 years, I finally opened up to my father. I started asking his opinions on my mother. Being married to her for 3 decades and dealing with her burden, he laughed and said “She’s like that“. It’s pretty obvious to my dad that he knows what I’m about to say. Since we both have bad relationships with her, he knows the burden I had to deal with. I told him in English that I hate her and I don’t know what to do. He sat there in silence yet having a sense of understanding. I guess he had no other suggestions but to deal with her silently. Well, he’s a guy. I don’t think men are capable of opening up their feelings. My mother always make theories that my father is very disappointed in me. So I never open up to him, taking her word.

But this morning was truly a lie. My father still sees me as his little girl. Regardless of what my mother says, he always deep down will support me no matter what. After that, I told him about my University acceptance to Cal State Northridge. My dad is very familiar with many universities from his business partners to friends. In sight, he was shocked and happy that his daughter got into a University. I further told him I’m still waiting for Cal State LA because it’s very close to home. He agrees the University near our house (CSULA) is a better option for me. But all in all, he seems very proud of me. My mother has no idea about my college acceptations. I told him that I won’t tell her. In the end, I felt very happy that one parent is proud of me. I’m relieved to have open up to my father. If one parent disapproves, then the other won’t.

Fiancé/Boyfriend

Ok, so I am engaged but without the ring. My boyfriend was drunk, but he remembered what happened. Fortunately, everything will have to come in slowly. Since I’m still in the process of college and him still deciding, we came to a conclusion that we should be engaged for at least 2 to 4 years before the actual marriage. I’m pretty happy yet relieved he didn’t go crazy. It’s not that I don’t want to marry him. It’s just too soon. So we made a decision to be engaged and wait for the right time to get marry. I’m still in the process of calling him my fiancé. I’ve been so used to calling him, “boyfriend”. It’s hard to process from boyfriend to fiancé. He didn’t mind whichever I call him. The point is we’re both in love and committed to each other.

I couldn’t be more in love than ever. It’s amazing how my life is going well so far. I’m really happy with everything that’s in place. So wish me luck on my journey. I’m hoping things will go great.