life · lifestyle · love

The Different Life

This is going to be sorta of a rant. I grew up as an angry child. I have friends that are angry and depressed. Those friends became my 2nd family. The only blood relatives that are close to me are my 1st cousins on paternal’s side. My life is up and down, but I manage. I found the love of my life whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with. He’s bit more emotional and still has a long way to go. Overall, I held these people together like glue. I’ve listened to so many “I hate my family“, “My life is crap“, and “I’m all alone in this world”.

Yet I still am loyal to these people. Why you ask? Because I want to help. I could’ve easily been a jerk and tell them to fuck off. But nope. I hear them out like a therapist. Anytime they feel they need to get things out, I’m their person. What’s craziest is I’m all they got. If I leave, who knows what might happen to them. I love my friends and boyfriend equally. I’d do anything to keep them happy. I have my own problems, but I usually just suck it in and forget it as best as I can. You can say I’m a pretty good friend/girlfriend.

Why am I ranting? Well, sometimes I just want to take off. This sounds really bad. But I feel like taking off. I want to be somewhere quiet where I don’t have to hear people’s daily problems about their dysfunctional family or self hating. It’s easy to tell them that everything will be alright. But it’s hard to tell them to shut up.  I’m tired yet I still want to help them. I wish for a different life where I want to see my friends not depressed. I want my boyfriend to make something use for himself. I want everyone to feel good and not worry so much. Just do the best you can and hopefully things will be the way you dreamed of.


What is a Successful Story?

In an average success story, many people go through struggles from rags to riches. Throughout times, they might have stumbled across drugs and/or alcohol abuse. After maybe roughly a few years, they kick themselves and decide to make a life changing decision. My parents came into the United States around the late 80’s. My father first migrate to Los Angeles in 1986 with $200 in his pocket. With shifts in a restaurant and market, he saved that money to build his own warehouse business. My mother, on the other hand, only married my father through family arrangement due to the American Dream.

The American Dream is defined as the ideal that every US citizen should have an equal opportunity to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative. Back in my parents’ generation, the American Dream ideal was to marry someone who is migrating to the States, get a house, and raise a family. My parents did it all. They got married, came to the States, and raised two children. Growing up, I always get lectured from my mother about achieving success. In her eyes, a successful story is usually case of rags to riches. Similar to many Asian immigrants’ thoughts, kids have to go school, work hard, and make money.

Asian Immigrant kids have that achievement very easily. Us, Asian American kids, struggled with that goal. Our parents blame our laziness and compare each other how stupid we are. To me, it’s very discouraging and ignorant towards our self-esteem. My family don’t understand why it takes us longer to achieve certain goals. As I mention before in my blog, many of us take different paths to achieve our goals. Sometimes, we feel a bit useless that we’re taking so long and should have done the goal already. But we are reminded that not everyone can achieve goals on time. It is okay to be slow. As long we are on the right path to success, I can guarantee all the hard work will pay off soon.

Unfortunately, I have to keep those thoughts to myself whenever I get lectured from my mother. She has this narrow mind that if you’re not a doctor or lawyer, you won’t be successful. My mother never worked a day in her life. Sure, she took care of the house and finances. But in my opinion, I can’t picture her as a worker. I don’t use her story as a model for motivation to success. I believe she had an easy way out. I mean, she got lucky. My mother didn’t have to do anything except be a housewife for 20 years.

I honestly don’t believe in her lectures of success. Throughout college, I did research readings on doctors and lawyers. Apparently, the job isn’t as easy as others. Every job is very stressful no matter how successful you are. Even Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has a stressful job. Being a CEO at a big social media company is a lot to take in. Even through hard work and determination, any job is loaded with heavy duty regardless. But at the end of the day, if they love it, then no stress can bother them.

What is a successful story? I believe if you put through hardships and determination, someday your hard work will pay off. Regardless of who you are and what you are, you are the only person that creates your story. Who cares if others have it before you? You are doing things for yourself, not others. Before you know, those dreams would come true.

life · lifestyle · love

How do I not?

I’ve been trying to stay stable, but my emotions can’t take it. I haven’t heard anything from the boyfriend so far. The first fight really sucks balls. Why does it have to happen? I just wish I can plunge a knife in my heart, so that I don’t feel anymore pain. How do you do this? It’s very hard to be on the other side, wondering. I haven’t been able to be myself the whole day. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It’s like I’m falling into a depression. No matter how strong I tried to be, feelings keep coming back. I’m not a horrible person. For someone I love so deeply, I couldn’t help but think of him. All I want is to be in his loving arms and stay there forever. I want to feel his kisses and hugs. Can’t this be done?

I don’t like to tell how am I when it comes to being asked if I cared after broken-up. My emotions are always kept to myself. Because it’s best if the person don’t know. The majority of the time, I do careless if it’s someone I never cared for. There is the one time where depression did show up once after a break-up. I haven’t felt it since two years ago. With my 2nd ex, I thought I’ll be okay after the disaster. But as time goes on, my depression starts showing. I couldn’t be myself for a while. I still was able to function throughout the day. But as far as emotions goes, it’s hard not to.

For someone who tries to be realistic, I am just as hopeless as anyone in a break-up. The difference is I cry silently rather than out loud. I feel alone when it comes to these situation. This whole thing feels similar to a boxing match. Except I’m not the one throwing the punches. I don’t know what to do. Should I wait for the answer? Or run for the heck out of it? I’m so conflicted.

life · lifestyle · relationship advice

Dating Someone With Trust Issues

I’ve come across many guys with personal issues in their lives. Most of them don’t admit to their flaws. I usually quit after a few months of finding out that they’re not worth helping. I want to find someone with the same confidence as I do. However, it feels entirely impossible because some still have their past troubling them. My boyfriend has been completely honest with me. It’s really helpful with the relationship. We have our ups and downs, however, the arguments end quick and we’re back to normal programming.

I love my relationship with him. He is much better than my exes. If I have to rate how healthy our relationship is from a scale of 1 to 10, I pick between an 8 and 9. It’s somewhere around there. I’m glad to have found someone that treats me with such respect and unconditional love. It’s what I always want in a committed relationship. However, I’m faced with a challenge. While I found out about his trust issues and insecurities, I have to construct an idea of being his therapist. I’m also putting lots of prays that he won’t be an emotional abusive boyfriend.

The last relationship he had, he was an emotional abuser to his ex. Because of the long distance, it’s very hard to put such trust and confidence that your partner won’t do any harm. I have a feeling that she felt really trapped and decide to do the worst uncalled action to get him to leave. It’s devastating, but it had to be done. I personally had no desires to do such uncalled action if I was in that position. I would try to find my own exit to avoid such toxic.

Seven months in the relationship, there’s no sign of toxic. I already gave my word that I will help him out. I’m a huge sucker to help anyone out in distress. No one should ever feel that they’re alone. Even if it’s repetitive, I will always stay by their side. However, never expect me to sugarcoat advices. If one thing makes things worse is sugarcoating. I made mistakes of sugarcoating with two ex-friends of mine when they’re going through issues. By one to three years, I gave up on them because they don’t want to encourage themselves to get better. They want to continue to rely on others to give them the strength to move forward.

I don’t want to waste my time, trying to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. As I said, it’s not my job to make them feel secure. It’s their job. I’ve heard stories of people dating someone with trust issues. The result came into an unhealthy relationship, which lead to breaking up. There is a way to date someone with trust issues and still maintain a healthy relationship. The tip is to be there for them as a therapist and lover. Make sure they’re not taking advantage of the help and turn the relationship into controlling. The last thing I need is a jealous boyfriend banning every guy in my life from talking to me, including relatives. Other than that, wish me luck on my journey.

life · lifestyle · love · relationship advice

Second Chances Do Come

Last night, my boyfriend came over and we celebrate our 7 month anniversary. After a nice romantic movie, we laid in bed and talked. Out of nowhere, he started speaking of his past. Mainly, his last relationship. He confessed into something I never heard. Aside from the infidelity, he admits into not being the best boyfriend for her. The long distance and emotional abuse he caused, the relationship tumbled down into a disaster. I had a feeling he was talking about her and how much regret he felt.

The confession hits home very well. My second ex not only committed infidelity, but also lied and lead me on. I never believe in giving second chances. Once you are out of my life, there’s a 0.01% chance that the person will receive one. After a year not speaking to each other, my second ex tried attempting his way to talk to me. The whole attempt caught me off guard. By then, I already had forgotten the anger and pain. I didn’t a give the time to hear my ex out because the situation was awkward. I had no clue what to say to him. But I had a feeling how much regret he felt for causing such pain to me.

He never had the chance to say what he wanted to say. By Spring 2016, he spend his last semester at my school before transferring to UCLA. I never saw nor heard from him again. My friends applauded me for doing the right thing. As much as I want to have the last talk before he goes, I can’t do anything about it. It’s best if we leave it in the past and he moves on. I’m hoping that he learns his mistakes and take it with him in future relationships. I want my ex to know that I’m not angry. I forgive what had happened between us.

I believe God will give a special one to my ex and hopefully he’ll treat the next girl right. Love and care for her tenderly as much as mine does with me. Second chances are hard to come by. But if given, don’t screw it up. Do it right this time.

life · lifestyle · love · relationship advice

Boyfriend’s Insecurity

The most amazing moment I found out today. My boyfriend just revealed his insecurities to me. It started this morning where I received a text from him. He had doubts about our relationship. This happened plenty of times to the point where it’s becoming predictable. The relationship always have to point to me, making it rocked. I got angry and want to stop reassuring him that everything’s fine. In conclusion, I told him that it’s up to him if he doesn’t trust me, then he can leave. That’s where he revealed that he cheated on me in a dream. The dream made him felt extreme guilt. I almost lost it at the words “I cheated on you“. But luckily, I read more further and was relieved.

Then I remembered what he told me 6 months ago. My boyfriend is a complicated person to be with and has trust issues. I gave my word to him that I will stick around anyway. Most people, mainly girls, would be angry if their significant other cheats on them in a dream. Honestly, I believe we can’t control what we dream of. Sometimes, the dreams are just random. Plus I also admit to having cheating dreams, too. I told him it doesn’t mean anything. I’ve done the research and it doesn’t mean we have the desire to cheat. It probably means we done something guilty related. I know he and I wouldn’t act upon it.

I fully understand his insecurities. It’s hard for him because he never had a loyal girlfriend before. My boyfriend tries his best not to be possessive with me. However, I also believe that he shouldn’t have to feel insecure. I am a very trustworthy person. I wouldn’t betray anyone’s trust. In romantic relationships, I stay fully committed to one until given reason not to. Other than that, I already proved to him that nothing should make him feel any less. There may be other guys in my life, especially my close guy friends. But my guy friends aren’t stupid enough to wreck my relationship. Most of them rather stay single for now. I used to have the same insecurities, but I got over it. If someone is in my life for at least 6 months and we have a good bond, then I can determine that the person will be in my life for quite a while. It happens with most of my friends.

I have no problems or doubts in our relationship. For him, it may take a while. I understand completely. He’s going to have to know by himself that I won’t do anything to hurt him. People can trust me very easily. The only ones that don’t, they left on their own reason whether it’s valid or not. I have no problem in holding the door open. It’s their choice to exit out if they want to. I’m not the type to sugarcoat everything and convince them otherwise. I said enough. But if they’re lucky that I feel they’re worth keeping around, I won’t find their insecurities annoying. My best friend from 9th grade went through the same with me. She didn’t have that many loyalty friends. I was the first one to be her loyal friend. It took her a while to fully trust me.

Now I’m going through it again with my boyfriend. I’ll commit to it and keep reassuring even if I get angry. I’m ready for the ride.

friendship · life · lifestyle · personal

Ten Years Later

After ten years, is there a way to become friends with someone again? Lately, I’ve been thinking of an old ex-friend of  mine. We grew together as kids for year and separated afterwards. My only memory of him as a kid was the annoying one who bothered me during nap time. There weren’t any memories of him as a teenager because we were too busy fighting in the dark. I reunited with him on the old AOL Instant Messenger in the summer of 2007. It was a few months before 9th grade. One former archenemy (not the same one I talked in my bullying story) was friends with him at the time. He brought me up and used the guy’s screen name to message me.

We then suddenly became fast friends. I finally remember his name as Chad. He finally knew my name as Jane. Chad and I exchanged phone numbers and Myspace accounts. We spent 3 months of the summer, talking. Back then, free hours were only at night and weekends. Chad would take advantage and call me around 9 pm. The conversations usually lasts until 1 AM in the morning. The bills jacked up into a lot of money. I almost got my phone taken away.

I don’t know how it happened, but I fell for the guy. Maybe because he’s a nice person. Ninth grade rolled by and we finally saw each other in real life. It’s when hell began. Because my silly feelings got in the way, he started to see me as a different person. I honestly had no clue what or why the drama started. Chad turn into the popular crowd and start dating. Meanwhile, I’m a lonely high school person. He made friends with my archenemies. I decide to walk away and cut our friendship between us. Things would’ve been fine by then. Until, a mole turn things around and caused our fire to grow bigger.

For 3 years, Chad and I spent a lot of days being angry at each other. Unnecessary drama were rising. Confusion was in the air. He thought I was still the same person from before. Though I actually grew up and matured a little bit, Chad wouldn’t believe me. It was unbearable. By summer 2010, we talked and I told him the mole’s identity. Things got a little clearer and the fire was gone. Although things were back to normal, it wasn’t enough to be friends with him again. He tried, but I wasn’t ready.

It’s been ten years since we’re friends. Chad’s name rang in my head again. I could search his name on Facebook and message him. We could finally have that talk and discuss what I want to tell him. I could also defuse the feelings bomb, indicating that I haven’t had feelings for him since 9th grade. Update on each other’s lives. I could possible find out if he has changed or not. After ten years, is it possible to friends again?