Guess We’re Alright

As usual, the boyfriend and I are fine. He reached out to me yesterday which was good. I thought I lost him forever. We didn’t do much of a discussion on how I feel on personal fights in the relationship. I don’t blame him for being angry with me. But next time, we should be a little more smarter. Then again, being in critical mode doesn’t help. At the same time, I do feel he is much more mature than my exes. The last time a guy lashed out at me was 2012. My anxiety pushed him off the edge and Douche Face screamed at me. What’s worse is he was completely ignorant towards my feelings.

Thinking back to it, I can’t blame myself for having anxiety. The guy is terrible. There’s no trust in the relationship. For someone to only be attracted to me because I was a virgin is messed up. Anyway, at least that’s over. I’m happy to be in a relationship with my boyfriend. Everyday is new day for me and him.



Be right or Be Married?


I was watching a relationship advice on Youtube. The person in the video I recognized her from TedTalks. I love TedTalks. Many speakers in the video give out really excellent advice. It’s crystal clear and straight to the point. You’re probably wondering what the heck does that quote mean? Well, I’ll explain it in a second. But just a quick story. It’s kinda sad. My boyfriend and I fought this morning. We were fighting between Thursday night and Friday morning. But we smashed it and went back to normal. I didn’t know the same thing would be dragged out again today.

This is the second time he proposed a space limit, similar to our first bad fight. But with added more suspense. I was given another door to open if I chose the break-up path on my own during his break. This time, he won’t chase after me and we’ll never see each other ever again.

My heart is literally beating inside of me, filled with anxiety. I already had family emergencies going on. I don’t need my relationship to be added to the mix. It’s already been 5 hours since his last text. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel he is giving me the freedom to walk away to see my reaction. He’ll probably use that against me if we do break up. At the same time, waiting is difficult. Because unlike previous fights, he’s the angered one, not me. After tolerating my so called “quitter” attitude, he officially unleashed his real anger with cursing. Luckily, it wasn’t in person. It was on text. But it still stunned me, but at the same time, I’m relieved he was brave enough to tell the truth. I always wanted him to tell me. He was afraid to in the beginning.

I guess this must have pushed him to the point where he can’t take it anymore. The whole argument was mostly based on sex and me avoiding the conversation. I already knew it’s going to be the same. But I never knew this would be the outcome. I spend the whole morning thinking to myself to see if I could figure out what to do. It wasn’t until I looked up on Youtube and found the most appropriate advice ever. Like I stated in the beginning, the speaker from TedTalks posted a video on advice of fighting in a relationship. Unlike most general advice, the quote, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”, got me struck and amazed.

I honestly believe we’re both not smart in the fighting. Too much bickering and pointing fingers. It’s normal for couples to go through that. However, I fear the worst might happen. We haven’t really learned from our old fights. I mean, there was tensions before. But it wasn’t that bad. We both usually hear each other out and squash it as quick as we can. Throughout our relationship, we both focus on our feelings rather than logic when it comes to fights. I’m usually the one who caves in and apologize for my behavior. Then I would try to improve myself. Deep down in my heart, walking away and breaking up is the least thing I want to do. I don’t see myself not being in a relationship with him. My boyfriend is the best partner I ever asked for. Despite the complications, I try my best to ignore his flaws and accept him 100% as a human being.

It’s why that quote is perfect. The real question is “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” Well, not literally married. “Married” as in wise. In other words, do you want to be wise or right? I prefer to be married. I have my fair shares of pointing fingers, too. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no angel. But in the end, I take a break and figure out the real deal. Focus on logic rather than feelings. I don’t want to claim that I’m right all the time in fights. Even if I am, I try my best not to claim the statement.

Relationships are hard. I wonder how people in long term did it. I always thought being in a long term relationship is easy if you’re with the right person. But it’s a wrong factor. Even with the right person, it’s not easy. Fights are bound to happen whether you like it or not. I just hope we don’t get toxic in the future. It’s okay to be pissed and let some steam, but never get toxic. I hope things will be a lighter option.

life · love

Domestic Abuse

In society, when a male abuses a female, people are quick to react and defend for the female. But when it’s reversed, society sees it as a pathetic situation. Male victims are unlikely to get the help they need. I honestly would help both victims. It doesn’t matter what gender you are. If you are a victim of any abuse, I’d definitely would help you.

This blog is inspired by a recent situation happening in my boyfriend’s family. I’m the only one with the enclosed information. Last night, my boyfriend came over as a safety getaway to hide from his stepmom. His stepmom aka Dad’s girlfriend was acting up again. We all heard stories of evil stepmothers in fairy tales and real life. Step-parents are quick to be labelled as evil figures in a child’s life. In my opinion, it depends on how lucky you are to find someone who will treat your child as their own.

My boyfriend’s Dad isn’t what you call lucky. Both of them have been living together with the woman for a year. It wasn’t a pleasant surprise that she has personal issues with my boyfriend. In the beginning, they were all getting along just fine. Until true colors start appearing more, things got out of hand. I personally had met my boyfriend’s dad. He is a very gentle person. Although I only spoken to him on quick basis, I got a feeling he’s a good man. In no way do I see his Father as anything otherwise.

His stepmom, however, is quite another story. Last night, my boyfriend texted me that his stepmom was acting up. She threatened with violence and victim playing against the father. We don’t know why she was acting up. It was probably due to her getting caught by boyfriend from ruining a father’s day gift. I think it’s a typical case of evil stepmother syndrome. To be honest, she hates my boyfriend. Because he’s not her biological child, she sees him as a threat in the family. The woman would belittle and create lies just to badger my boyfriend.

She would “claim” how emotionally unstable and an abusive he is towards women and children. I say those are false claims. Because I’ve been in a relationship with him for 8 months and in no way did he ever display those behaviors. I understand 8 months is too early to detect, but it’s enough for me to know my boyfriend isn’t what the stepmom claims. If he were to display those behaviors, he would’ve shown early and I wouldn’t be with him.

The Dad knows she is out of hand, but only hangs onto the relationship just for sakes of the lease. It won’t expire until  4 months in. Honestly, she hasn’t been the greatest person in the house. My boyfriend’s Dad pays for everything in the house. For her, she’s been living there rent free. The only time she paid for the house was the down payment. It’s still not enough. This is a pretty obvious move to get my boyfriend out. I think she’s doing all of this just to kick my boyfriend out and have the Dad to herself.

Unfortunately, his dad sees bullshit and doesn’t love her anymore. So how are they going to keep up with domestic abuse in the house for the next 4 months? I don’t know. This happened more than once but less than five. I urge my boyfriend to stay safe in case if something happens. I hate to predict the worst case scenario, but it’s unpredictable. Please share this as awareness to Domestic Abuse. It goes both ways. No one should be treated any different. Men are victims too.


Wait till Marriage?


Are you done watching the video? Good. By the way, I finally had something to talk about in my blog! I went on a temporarily writer’s block for a while. I didn’t know what to write about. It wasn’t until I came across this video on YouTube. It sparked up my interest because Sex is such a controversial topic. I’ve spoken about it a couple times in my blog. But I want to talk about this certain topic. This video is kinda shitty to me. The Youtube group called Justkiddingfilms do video content on random skits when I was in high school. Since their popularity was up in the air, they decide to expand their brand as more than just a comedy channel.

I have a huge understanding that people have different opinions on sex. Regards to waiting or just jumping in is one own’s decision. It’s very important to keep an open mind when it comes to the community. However, what these people say, is vague. I clearly don’t understand their logic. To be honest, there really isn’t an answer to whether it is worth saving for marriage. It all depends on a certain individual. Originally, I wanted to save for marriage. For a long time, I practice abstinence by choice. I’m not sure about other’s, but it doesn’t benefit me. Because who cares? People are different.

No one should be shamed into making a choice for themselves. It wasn’t until college where I met my douche ex. He, the douche face, believed that I should do a test drive to see if I like it or not. Like get more experienced, as quoted by one of the Youtubers in the video. I was told the same by many trolls in my life. However, I stick to my guns and remained a virgin. I became more open when it comes to choosing a potential mate for my sex life. I decide not to mind if my potential mate is a virgin or not. As long as he practice safe sex, then I’m fine with it. I also decide to just wait until the right one comes along. If he respects me and gain my trust, then the deed will be made.

That’s what I did with my boyfriend. For three months, I pretended that there’s something’s wrong with me to see if he is really in it for sex or not. He passed with flying colors and we made love on my 24th birthday. I don’t regret with my decision because I fully see he is the right one for me. He respects me and I respect him. The most important is communication. If both communicate, then you’ll know if the sex is worth or not. I personally don’t like doing a test drive. I prefer to wait for the right one to come along. Whether the sex is bad or good, I still love the person no matter what. Again, that’s how my situation is with the boyfriend.

I’m definitely the weird one. Having good or bad sex only comes down to one person in my life. Maybe because I’m emotionally attached to my boyfriend and I do not care if the sex is bad or not. In the end, I shower him with unconditional love. It’s something I recently found out. He and I had one awkward bad sex and he felt shamed for not satisfying me. I laughed and smothered him with kisses. It brought his confidence back up.

I guess in the end, it really depends on people’s choices. There’s no right or wrong answer to the question of remaining a virgin till marriage is worth the deal. I personally believe people will experiment and come across different people. Like relationships, your sex life is also a journey. Before you know it, the right one will definitely come along. Whether you have one or none sexual partners, it’s all part of growing into an individual self. No one should call each other a whore because they slept with more than one person. Unless they’re a douche, then it’s a different story. Other than that, I think society should start keeping an open mind about this topic.

Sex has been such a controversial thing where it’s been judged so quickly. Some people see it as a sin if committed before marriage. Some think it’s cool and not care of one’s emotional attachment to avoid relationships. How I want to teach my children is have a mature and open understanding  before doing the deed. I also want my kids to be safe because one slip will cost them consequences. Do not judge other’s decisions other than yourself. What you feel is what you feel. If pressured or judged, fuck them. You don’t need assholes to tell you what to do. Keep the people that care close to you.


Conservative vs Liberal Sex

All my life, I grew up in a conservative environment. Sex was a troubled topic. The schools I grew up in only talked the consequences and promote abstinence. As a young teenager, I was pretty shy from ever going in deep about sex. I only talk about my views on it ; not into details of the subject. Most of my friends are countless virgins, so I didn’t have a problem with the virginity status. It wasn’t until college that I started digging into the subject more.

Ten years ago, I would said “No” to sex and vow to wait till marriage. Because it’s what I’ve been told and sex was prohibited from the household. I always assume everyone will stay a virgin. Whoever was having sex, people would shame them. In college, I met someone who was proud of getting laid and criticize my sexless life. It was horrible and irritating to hear that I should lose my virginity before it’s too late. As if I have a time bomb on me on when should I lose it. If I weren’t so quiet, I would’ve told that person to fuck off and mind his own business. In the end, I got scared telling people about my sexless life. I thought being a virgin was a shame to society. It turns out there are people in college whom are still virgins and understood my situation.

In no way am I promoting sex. I believe people will have sex at least once in their lifetime. Whether it’s bad or good, there’s always a way. People just have their own time to commit such act. This year, I learned that in romantic relationships, there’s intimacy involved. Most guys I’ve come across want sex. They only told me that it is very important in the relationship. I denied their offers because who would try to hook up with some stranger off the internet. I used to be extra conservative to plan to wait until I was ready and close to marriage to do it.

When the guys ask me if I’m ever going to do it with them, I always say no. Because I didn’t feel comfortable and they didn’t want to develop a relationship with me. In the end, it’s all a valid reason not to start anything with them unless I fully trust them. My boyfriend then came into the picture. He told me the same thing. however, it took a while for him to fully explain what he meant by it. Before, I would display the same thoughts I had on sex. Every time he express his sexual fantasy for me, I would tell him “How disgusting” and “I wouldn’t want to touch down there. Who knows where’s it been?” That is the meanest comment I ever said out of my mouth. I almost sound awfully like my mother.

In a slight understanding, I was intimated by the thoughts. Because I’ve practice abstinence most of my life, I didn’t know what to say. At the same time, I shouldn’t been close minded and said a more openly way.

Whether you’re conservative or liberal about sex, I believe we all need to have an open mind about the subject. At the same time, we want to be smart and safe about it. We should educate the next generation a little more open about this subject. I fear the next generation are taking sex like a loose condom. That’s not how I want to educate my children about it. The world shouldn’t hide our children in the dark yet inform them that sex is serious. I want my kids to make the right decision with sex. At least have them wait until they are mature enough.

love · relationship advice

What I learned about Relationships

After the first fight, I’ve dug more deeper into the relationship than I expected. My boyfriend gave the whole day yesterday to construct some thinking and told his side of the story. I agreed most of the stuff I said to him was unnecessary. Because my rage and anger got into me. He didn’t find it a turnoff when I cursed at him because I’m the right one for him. However, the rest was uncalled for. He find a bit puzzling of why I wasn’t positive about us being together and insisted to find someone else if I want to. Well when you grew up liking the wrong person, you always believe you deserve better. Coming from someone who never had a real relationship, I always use the card to prove I’m the stronger one and never let anyone else know about my weak side.

I guess everything I learned about relationships don’t really applied to the current relationship I’m in. I do have the right mentality, but my views on romantic relationships should be much deeper. Not everyone is as independent as I am. I can express my love, but I prefer to feel it emotionally rather than through words. It’s how I am with everyone. But when it came down to the boyfriend, he wants to be reminded at least 1-3 times a week. I do send in a little text here and there. It wasn’t quite enough. Like a female complaint, “Why can’t you just send in a love message at least once in a day? It isn’t that hard. Only takes 30 seconds.”

I’m literally smiling at that complaint for it usually comes from a female’s mouth. I never knew it would come from a guy. I’m like one of those stereotypical guy who’s clueless about romance. I sure learned a lot about it. If anything, I spent many years trying to build a wall around me. I use the wall to protect myself from getting hurt after my previous failed relationship. People always advise me to never be naive when it comes to romance. Take your time, they say. But no one told me when you’re in a 7 month relationship, at this point, you should probably let your shield down and let out some love. That really reminded me of that one stereotypical quote.

You know how majority say a guy should give in more than a girl in the love department? I believe that’s what I had been doing. I give in 40% while the boyfriend gives in 60%. Relationships should meet halfway, not one or another. I now understand why he questions my love for him. I feel too shy to express myself. Growing up, I always believe if I have the current mentality of a perfect girl, I was sure my boyfriend would love it. Apparently, I am mistaken.

I’m pretty happy to have found my boyfriend. Now I am 100% positive he is the magic lucky lottery winning. With him, I feel like I have won the jackpot. My boyfriend sure deserves boyfriend of the year for keeping up with me. Most guys would give up within a month. I should keep reminding myself that I am with the right person, not the wrong one. That means the wall is torn and I’m letting my shields down. This girl is in love. Not high school version puppy love. But actually love.

life · lifestyle · love

How do I not?

I’ve been trying to stay stable, but my emotions can’t take it. I haven’t heard anything from the boyfriend so far. The first fight really sucks balls. Why does it have to happen? I just wish I can plunge a knife in my heart, so that I don’t feel anymore pain. How do you do this? It’s very hard to be on the other side, wondering. I haven’t been able to be myself the whole day. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It’s like I’m falling into a depression. No matter how strong I tried to be, feelings keep coming back. I’m not a horrible person. For someone I love so deeply, I couldn’t help but think of him. All I want is to be in his loving arms and stay there forever. I want to feel his kisses and hugs. Can’t this be done?

I don’t like to tell how am I when it comes to being asked if I cared after broken-up. My emotions are always kept to myself. Because it’s best if the person don’t know. The majority of the time, I do careless if it’s someone I never cared for. There is the one time where depression did show up once after a break-up. I haven’t felt it since two years ago. With my 2nd ex, I thought I’ll be okay after the disaster. But as time goes on, my depression starts showing. I couldn’t be myself for a while. I still was able to function throughout the day. But as far as emotions goes, it’s hard not to.

For someone who tries to be realistic, I am just as hopeless as anyone in a break-up. The difference is I cry silently rather than out loud. I feel alone when it comes to these situation. This whole thing feels similar to a boxing match. Except I’m not the one throwing the punches. I don’t know what to do. Should I wait for the answer? Or run for the heck out of it? I’m so conflicted.