For the past year, I’ve been getting hints from my mother that I should break up with my fiancé. In all honesty, she doesn’t know I’m engaged. I haven’t spoken to any of my family members about my engagement. In my engagement blog, I did mention he and I are going to be engaged for 2 to 4 years. We’re just trying to adjust our financial and living situation before the big day. Anyway, since Monday afternoon, my mother made her final threat to break off with my fiancé. I honestly don’t know what made her decide to yell at me to get it in my head. But it was over something that happened last year. The luncheon between my fiancé and mother had a language and culture barrier. Being a traditional Chinese woman, she sees my fiancé as a cancer to our family. Because he didn’t associate with our culture, such as the mannerism at the table, she immediately says “No way”.
Without any 2nd opinions, she sees him as nothing to the family. My mother can hold a grudge against someone for quite a while. I did suggest my fiancé to show up at my house with flowers as a sign of an apology for her birthday. Seeing him behind the gate, she doesn’t want him around. My mother never gave him a chance to speak. Almost an immediate rejection. We both didn’t bother trying again since she’s a stubborn woman. Up till now, she broke her sanity and start yelling at me. I guess my paternal grandmother and her made theories of my instant weight drop as a sign of relationship problems. My mother believed I’m killing myself over the fiancé. Also, my grandmother points out that I display more attentions towards him. She called me stupid and naive. She still stick to her beliefs that the person I’m in a relationship with is not a man. Being conservative, she sees that an older man is more suitable for me. To her, an older man is more mature and stable.
So in the end, my mother threatens me to break off with my fiancé. If I don’t listen to her, I will end up suffering. If I marry him, he will not be acknowledge as her son-in-law. He’s forever a cancer to her. I’m having a feeling she’ll do anything to get me to break off my relationship with him. For the past year, I haven’t done it since she first told me “Find someone else.” I guess I’m playing poker with my relationship and going all in. Meaning, I can’t look back and regret. This is the beginning of my life.
Oh boy. Valentine’s Day is coming up in a couple days. My views on Valentine’s Day still remains the same thing as before. Even though this will be 2nd time having a significant other on Love Day, I personally don’t like giant Teddy Bears, chocolates, and flowers. It’s a waste of money. Girls have so much expectations for Valentine’s. Single bitter people complain about being lonely and reposting those memes. When you’re a kid, Valentine’s Day mean getting candy and cards from your classmates. You’re forced to celebrate the day with hearts and have no idea what it actually means. But when you get older, people make it seem like it’s only for couples.
Honestly, Love Day should be for everyone. Give love to your family and friends. Have a nice dinner with them instead of sitting alone, indulging in a bucket of ice cream.
I sometimes wish the internet would stop with the memes and gifs of people being bitter. Maybe they don’t feel that way, but they think it’s relatable. It’s still very annoying to open your tab and see a bunch from your single friends on your newsfeed. What has the world come to? Like get out of the pity party and have fun with people who actually loves you. Hell, even your pet probably loves you. Just don’t be bitter and think of evil corporations are sucking your money pockets empty.
Even though things are calmer, I still want to put myself in a distant. My boyfriend seem to be noticing my distant behavior. Personally, I don’t feel comfortable with being reminded what happened. I already am covered with guilt. I begin to wonder what life be like without him. Before I met my boyfriend, I was struggling with intimacy and romance. There were suitors, but no potential boyfriend. I always complain to my guy friends that love isn’t real and games are always played. They kept reassuring me that there will be that person out there. I just need to keep my head up. In a meantime, I should feel comfortable being single and finding out what I want in a relationship.
Now I have my boyfriend, I begin to wonder what it be like if I call off our relationship. After a year and one month of being together, what would it like if I just walk away? Will I suffer more than my first love? Am I going to be in a long break? Is he going to the one that prevents me from meeting new candidates? I honestly asked myself that plenty of times. I do love him, however, he just sometimes is a pain in the neck. The good news is I can deal with him as a whole. Nothing about him wants me to strangle him. Maybe a couple. But that’s about it.
But the thing is I can never have the guts to let him go. I usually can let go easily if the relationship is broken or undesired. But our relationship isn’t broken or undesired. I just want him around regardless. People might disagree on this situation. They even will question me. Like what the heck I want? Maybe I’m just scared to face the hardships. As a person who’s never been in fights with people, I hate confrontation. It scares the crap out of me. It’s why I suck at communication when it comes to fights. I personally don’t want to think about it and just move forward. Plus the things I say off my mind, people think I’m an asshole based on my humanity theories. I’m usually the misunderstood person. It’s probably why I’m putting my distant between my boyfriend and I.
Update from the last blog, the boyfriend and I didn’t break up. Because of love for each other, we worked things out. It’s a slow progress, but it’s okay in the end. Anyway, why am I talking about this?
We’ve been educated about STDs and other diseases since high school. In high school, they tell us “Don’t have sex. If you do, you’ll die”. Thank you, Coach Carr for inputting that. Then again, he is revealed as a pedophile in the end. So don’t take advice from a coach that is hypocrite to his word. High school health teachers tend to say that as to promote abstinence. They don’t want teenagers to think otherwise. I’ve practice abstinence all throughout high school and some of college. Guys I’ve come across mostly criticize my sex life. From being a virgin to staying safe, they think I’m a prune and will get cheated on by a future boyfriend. Well, fuck them because I came across an amazing guy who truly understands my situation and we made love.
Before I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, I ask him a lot of questions related to his sex life. Aside from being a non virgin, I asked how many sexual partners he had and does he have any diseases that I should be aware of. You always want to have that conversation before jumping in bed with someone. Always. It’s important and safety for you and your body. My mother doesn’t think otherwise. She has talk to me about jumping into bed and intimacy. She is a very anti-sex woman. I understand that because she was born in the late 60’s. Sex was a taboo back then. But because I’m in a millennial generation, I question the talk. My mother always talk to me that I should stay away from sex until marriage. If I date someone, we can’t be extremely intimate. For example, she believes kissing will lead to AIDS. All the salvia contact will get into the body system and I will die.
I personally don’t believe it. I took a Health class in college. My professor did discuss sex education. What I’ve been told isn’t exactly the whole truth. Also, sex before marriage is more initiated than ever. If my mother finds out I’ve been having sex before marriage, she will freak. Not to mention giving me the whole “You will die” speech. She took it up again because of an article about a 20 year old girl dead from cervical cancer. In my opinion, the girl probably didn’t do research and wasn’t careful while having sex. She probably didn’t have the conversation with her partners, so in the end, she came to her dead end. My mother believes sleeping around before marriage is the problem. If she hadn’t slept around before marriage, she wouldn’t end up dead with cancer.
I disagree with that statement. I know people that lost their virginity before marriage. They don’t have cervical cancer. Because they’re not like Barney. I’m not like Barney either. I waited till the right guy comes along. I only slept with one guy. We’ve been having protected sex. I’m not smoking or taking birth control pills. In the end, it’s all about safety. Make sure you be honest about your sex life to your partner. Because you don’t want to end up dead.
You know the song “Birthday Sex” by Jeremih? That song is so old! Anyway, the question is “Did anyone had sex on their birthday?” If not, it’s freaking cool! I hardly talk about having sex action on my blog because I don’t have any hot juicy sex story. Most of my sexual activities are involved with the boyfriend. Because being an old fashioned 87 year old lady at heart, I waited for the right person as I did. I think I mention about a thousand times that I lost my virginity to the boyfriend. But never got into the details. Well I think I can recall it since I’m finally ready. If I remember the details.
So before my boyfriend enters my cave, I was a virgin. At first, I was strict on not letting anyone in unless they are worthy. My boyfriend wanted to make love to me in our relationship. However, it kinda took me a while to understand his unhappiness in the beginning. The idea of men wanting sex in a relationship really bugged me. Why get physical when you can do physics? I wasn’t too keen on letting him in since I was afraid. I purposely lay out the three months rule where if he can prove to me, for 90 days exact, that I’m not a hit and quit, then we can do the dirty.
Skip forward to three months exact and I was completely ready to rip my clothes off. However, we didn’t do it on our 3rd month anniversary since it got cut short. My mother wanted me home quick. So we had no choice but to withhold it. That is until my 24th birthday. Yeah, we made love or had sex on my birthday. I turned 24 on Feb 5th of 2017. I don’t remember if I was nervous or excited. All I know is the night before my birthday, he came over. Mind you, I still live with my parents. Don’t judge. LA rent is very expensive. Plus it is more fun when you have sex at night.
Anyway, he came over late at night. I don’t remember how we got started. But as usual, clothes were ripped off gently. His soft lips kissing my skin. Foreplay was inputted. When it was time for him to enter the cave, I was extremely nervous. I kinda freak out a little and told myself, I can’t do it. My naked body just lay there, frighten. Not wanting to risk losing my virginity. After being a virgin for so long, you kinda want to be selfish and not give it away. However, knowing I’m in a committed relationship and intimacy is the important package, I had to do it. My boyfriend had to convince me to trust him that everything will be alright if I let him. So I did.
After 3 hassle months, he entered my cave! Tada! First guy to steal my virginity! I think we were in a missionary position. So he shoved his penis in and out for like 5 minutes. Then he cum and proclaim his love for me. Hahaha. 10 months later, we’re shacking up like no tomorrow! I have no shame. I’m an adult and I like having fun with my boyfriend. I think I suck at telling a sex story. Oh well. You can judge if it’s good or not.
I’ve spoken my old fashioned points of views on sex before. My personal thing is having sex with the right person in a monogamous relationship. For those who just like having casual sex, it’s your deal. I’m not criticizing your life. You’re an adult. You make your own decisions. However, the feelings of loneliness may catch up and before you know it, you’ll be in love again.
There’s this blog I used to follow or that blogger used to follow me, who goes by the name, The girl who couldn’t picture herself in a relationship . You should check her out. She’s got great stories. Anyway, I hate to put her in the spotlight of my blog. I hope she doesn’t mind if she reads this. I just got very intrigued by this topic. The last time I spoken to this girl, she said to me that serious relationships isn’t her thing anymore. After two toxic relationships, she decides to stay away from relationships. But it doesn’t stop her from enjoying sex with any boys. I respect her choice. I figure she must have her fun by now. However, after a while, I decide to come onto her blog to see her recent most update. To my surprise, she got herself in an monogamous relationship.
I’m shocked to see how people who loves casual sex end up in a serious relationship. It’s funny how life works in a mysterious way. Sometimes when we get hurt by toxic people, we tend to forget that there’s someone better for us. We shut down, trained ourselves to become emotionally unavailable, and become dead cruel. After a while, the person we’re meant to be show up in our lives like a fairy godmother. However that fairy godmother had to adjust us before waving her magic wand. Before we know it, we’re like Cinderella dancing away with our Prince. I hope many happiness to those who found love. Never doubt that there isn’t someone out there for you.
This is going to be sorta of a rant. I grew up as an angry child. I have friends that are angry and depressed. Those friends became my 2nd family. The only blood relatives that are close to me are my 1st cousins on paternal’s side. My life is up and down, but I manage. I found the love of my life whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with. He’s bit more emotional and still has a long way to go. Overall, I held these people together like glue. I’ve listened to so many “I hate my family“, “My life is crap“, and “I’m all alone in this world”.
Yet I still am loyal to these people. Why you ask? Because I want to help. I could’ve easily been a jerk and tell them to fuck off. But nope. I hear them out like a therapist. Anytime they feel they need to get things out, I’m their person. What’s craziest is I’m all they got. If I leave, who knows what might happen to them. I love my friends and boyfriend equally. I’d do anything to keep them happy. I have my own problems, but I usually just suck it in and forget it as best as I can. You can say I’m a pretty good friend/girlfriend.
Why am I ranting? Well, sometimes I just want to take off. This sounds really bad. But I feel like taking off. I want to be somewhere quiet where I don’t have to hear people’s daily problems about their dysfunctional family or self hating. It’s easy to tell them that everything will be alright. But it’s hard to tell them to shut up. I’m tired yet I still want to help them. I wish for a different life where I want to see my friends not depressed. I want my boyfriend to make something use for himself. I want everyone to feel good and not worry so much. Just do the best you can and hopefully things will be the way you dreamed of.