adulting · parenting

My Narcissistic Mother

Mothers are suppose to be loving and nurturing creatures. They protect their child from dangers and evils in society. However, not many grew up with these type of mothers because either they are gone too soon or never seem to exist. Through my blog, I’ve talked about my troubled relationship between my mother and I. She displays the narrow mindset of a typical Asian parent. My mother wanted me to be a perfect little robot. Go to a good school, work hard 24/7, and live up to the fullest. My 2nd cousins on her side of the family has already displayed the perfect life. They all went to big name Universities, majored in a long lasting money making degree, and did everything perfectly. Growing up, I’ve grown to resent my mother.

It’s hard to portray such hatred against one parent and it feels awful. But within good reasons, I think it’s appropriate. She’s not only a typical Asian immigrant parent, but also a materialistic. My father is the only working person in the family. I don’t get to speak with my father often about my mother due to his full time schedule. Silence is in the relationship. It’s always been that way for the past ten years. My mother would find ways to belittle me for as long as I can remember. If no belittling, she would lecture me to fulfill her dreams of seeing her daughter excelling to the max.

Let me say that doesn’t work well for me. For in my mindset, I rebel against her method of succeeding. I don’t believe in going to a brand name University and guarantee to go into a field of medical or law. It’s not what I want. My mother doesn’t use her ears and assumes she is always right. I’ve been called “stupid”, “pathetic”, and “lazy” most of my life. I understand tough love, but having her go to the extreme isn’t something I love to experience.

I always complain to my friends and 1st cousin (Paternal side) about how horrible my mother is. They all agree fairly that her mindset is too narrow and full of stupidity to develop a relationship with me. I remember all the bitterness I felt for her when I was a teenager. As a grown woman, sometimes I still feel that way, however, I decide to not argue with her as much. Because I realize nothing about her will change. I tried to be calm and attempted at reasoning with her. But none can be done. Our relationship was already damaged since Day 1.

There are little times where I just want to throw myself off the cliff and be gone. I hate this woman so much. It’s impossible. It’s why I never seek wisdom or advice as I get older. She wasn’t there when I was going through hard times. Even if she demands to know what’s up with my life, I never speak a word of it. She blames the troubles of our relationship, mostly on me. Her complaints and whiny lectures sinks in my brain to the point where I’m emotionally and mentally tired.

I have people trying to console me that my mother isn’t the person in charge of my life. I am in charge of my own. Whatever I do is for me, not her. Why bother caring what she says? It’s your life. I wish it was easy to ignore, but it’s hard. I pray when I have my own daughter,  I won’t treat her the same as my mother. But I can’t tell what the future holds in me. My parenting method will consists of Asian style but also mixed in with Western. I won’t try to mold my children into little robots, but I want them to succeed and never give up easily. I want to keep them grounded as best as I can. At the same time, I want my children to come to me as parent whenever they are in trouble. I don’t want them to ever feel they’re alone.

That’s my plan on raising my children. I hope to become the best mother I can be and not be a replica of my own mother. It’ll be a living nightmare if I do. Then again, I can’t see what’s in my future. I don’t think when my mother was my age, she felt this way with her mother before becoming one herself. I don’t believe she ever had thoughts of resenting her own mother. For she will do anything to please my grandmother. Sounds like a generation of hypocrites after hypocrites. I hope I don’t turn out like her.

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life · lifestyle · love · parenting · relationship advice · Uncategorized

Good Age to Marry

This topic came up when my mother brought up about my boyfriend. I was showing her a video of a disabled white supremacist harassing a Mexican American in an airport. I explained to her throughout the video that the man recording the situation was on the phone speaking Spanish to his mother. The disabled white supremacist came up to the man and displayed ignorance. As soon it was over, she moved onto my boyfriend who happen to be Mexican. She reminded me of his age and mine. My mother then started to compare how young he is and it’s not appropriate at his age to be married so soon. Since I’m near the age of marriage, it’s best if I remove him out of my life and wait for the more appropriate age.

It clicked me into thinking, “What age is good for marriage?”. Honestly, I don’t have a number in mind. I do have marriage in my future, but I don’t have the number. I understand how worried she is of my age. By thirty, a woman’s uterus is no use to be pregnant. I mean, she still can get pregnant. As long it isn’t before 40, then she’s good. I guess my mother doesn’t want me to wait that long. She prefer me to get married to someone around my age because then she’ll be able to see the future. In my mind, I honestly see it as 50/50. It’s an understanding, however, my life isn’t run by hers. It’s similar to how I told her no relationships when I was in my late teens and early 20’s. But I got in a serious relationship by age 23.

Now she’s thinking ahead for my current relationship. If I listen to her and dump my current boyfriend, she thinks I’d probably still have that chance to find myself an older guy to marry. I’m trying to wrap this around my head whether it’s reasonable or not. In my own soul, I don’t think it’s a good idea to dump my boyfriend and find someone more older. Time does fly before a blink of an eye. I don’t know if I’ll be married by 30. With my life moving forward, I don’t know about his. I did ask about our future. He believes we’re still going to be together. But I want more. I’m not satisfied.  My mind is going crazy with her pressure of marriage.

I’m only 24 years old. There are people my age that doesn’t want a commitment nor ready to be married. At age 24, my generation still thinks it’s too early to get married. My parents’ generation believe it’s the right age to be married. I’ve seen one percent of my high school classmates getting married before 25. I don’t want to do the wrong thing, but I want to do what’s right for me. I’ve read somewhere on the internet that a girl was in the same situation as I am. But both are the same age and have same careers. Unfortunately, her parents don’t approve because of different status. Therefore, she cuts her relationship with her fiancè for her parents’ wishes. I’ve seen comments ranged from “you’re a terrible person” to “you’re so immature for doing this.” 

Honestly, I don’t want to be that person to dissolve my relationship for my parents’ sake. At the same time, I still respect my parents. I can’t ask my boyfriend to hurry up, make money, and be married as soon as possible. It’s all too much pressure. Many friends would advise me to slow down and have fun. I don’t think the fun will last forever. Pretty soon, I will reach to the age of marriage and possibility children. I’m a little scared the boyfriend might not give me what I want later on. It happens in younger and older relationships. People’s priority changes or someone isn’t ready for the next level. In the end, they end their relationship in bad terms. My mother figures its best to do it now before it’s too late. I try to shrug it off and pretend it’s still early to determine marriage in the equation. But with pressure and reminder of getting older, it’s hard not to think about the math. I already had stress about school and career goals. Now it’s relationship goals added to the list.

So what’s the answer? I don’t really have the answer to what a good age is to marry. People now are getting marry between ages 20 and 30 these days. I guess it all depends on the maturity of people. I always picture getting my education and career goals done before marriage. But I can’t seem to have it one at a time with my mother hovering over me like a time helicopter. Almost as if I’m being choked by time. It’s amazing what it can do to you. In a similar way, it can be a pain too. *I just googled the average age to be married in the United States. The average age is close to 30. I know I’ve been told, but again, Mother and her hovering.*

parenting · personal · relationship advice

All Babies are Adorable!

Ok, I seem to be bringing up my mother’s antics all the time. I don’t know why. The thing about her just gets on my nerves. So I’m Chinese American. My boyfriend is Mexican American. Together, we’re in an interracial relationship. In LA, the most interracial couples I’ve seen are Asian & Caucasian. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing undesirable about yellow and white being together. It may be other’s preferences. But definitely not mine. I am more attracted to Hispanic men. Spanish is very sexy and I grew up with Hispanic culture. Plus I took the language course. Though I pass the course, I never really practice. So that sucks on my part.

Anyway, I have this nephew whom everyone on my mom’s side loves. My nephew is the son of my 2nd cousin. He’s a mixed baby. White and Yellow. But his white side is showing more as he gets older. His maternal grandmother is my mom’s 1st cousin and my aunt. We see her on an occasion. All those photos she shoved at us, my mom happens to get all excited. So she gets a copy onto her phone. In her eyes, only white/yellow babies are cute. Back in the my single days, she would constantly tell me to marry a white male in hopes of one day fulfill her dreams. To my rebel side, I said no. Why be prejudice? To her, only white people get off easy and it’s the only color to survive in this cruel world.

I’m saying no because I don’t want to teach my children that only Whites rule the planet Earth. Nope. I wish I could shove or kick my mom back to history and show her what the real Americans are. No, their skin is not white. They’re light brown? I think. I don’t know. But they’re Native Americans; Descents of Mexican and Asian. So technically, white people took our land! I don’t understand how Asian immigrants praise White community all the time. Again, nothing wrong with white people. I have friends and professors that are white. They’re awesome people. But putting them on a pedestal like God is total bogus.

In my eyes, all babies are cute. I’m a huge sucker for babies. One of my dreams is to become a mother. I love to have two children; one boy and one girl. And whoever I share my DNA with, my children are beautiful to me. I can careless if half of their DNA is white or not. Every mixed baby is wonderful. I think Asian immigrant need to calm down and quit praising on white babies. Oh, and is my mom okay with my Mexican boyfriend? I thought she wouldn’t at first. But after I muster up the courage to have him meet her, she seems fine with him. But I know deep down, she wants a white male to be her son-in-law. Yeah, mom. It ain’t going to happen.

love · parenting · personal · relationship advice

CEO’s Love Life ≠ My Love Life

There’s a saying for Chinese proverbs. “Rich goes with rich. Poor goes with poor”. I kinda had to admit it’s true. Sad, but the truth. However, I won’t let it bother me because it doesn’t have to do with my future. I was told that since the day I started going to school. It’s quite unfair how my mother says all this crap and I don’t really get along with certain people. They are smart academics, rich people I grew up with. But they’re not compatible with me. I can’t relate to these people. Maybe cause I’m uncomfortable with their talks of money and grades. I just can’t talk to these people.

I rather associate myself with more highly mindset intelligent people. Regardless of their background and education, I welcome anyone who’s intelligence excels beyond academics. My mother brought up Facebook CEO’s Mark Zuckerberg and his lovely wife, Priscilla. How both went to Harvard and became rich successful people. I guess she wanted me to think about how they match because of each other’s statuses. For me, I match with my boyfriend because of his personal background. I honestly don’t see it that way. People are people. Whichever crowd you grew up with, you feel comfortable with that crowd. I can honestly careless.

My mother’s way of associating herself with people is due to statuses. Like money, success, family history, etc. I find it absolutely degrading yet kinda true. Then yet again, people have different love stories. Comparing my love story to a total stranger who makes as much as Bill Gates love story is very degrading. Besides, if I read this correctly, Priscilla has love Mark even before he was CEO. They both were simple college students meeting at Mark’s fraternity party in a bathroom line. However, due to Facebook’s popularity, he dropped out of Harvard while Priscilla went on to being a med-student.

In the end, they both supported and love each other. Better love story than Twilight. Again, how you meet your significant other, doesn’t matter. It’s the same story. Boy meets Girl. They both hangout and became friends. Sooner or later, boy likes girl and girl likes boy. The rest is history. I grew up in a nice city with decent money. My boyfriend grew up being poor and having to live on a budget. Previously, I met guys with lots of money and are smart in academics. Guess what? I rejected them. Because there’s no chemistry between me and those guys. I don’t think coming from a certain background would make difference in your relationship’s future. Can I make a claim where I say Chinese people are gold digging bitches? Just kidding. Not all of us are like that.

parenting · personal

Struggles of Being Asian

Despite all the awesome food and language, I hate being Asian. Growing up, my mother tried to mold me as the perfect little robot. Get straight As, go to Top ranked University, get a financial welled up job, and shower parents with money. My dad, on the other hand, never knows the situation because of his full time job as a business man. My mom’s side of family always been hard on me. I’m not a straight A perfect student, but I am a good student. They see it as a failure and always think of the worst things possible. I understand they care and worry, but seeing it from their point of view sucks. I don’t have a great relationship with my mother due to her closed minded and judgmental side. Even when I try to explain my views to her, she makes it seem like I’m talking back at her. So really, no point in saying anything. Like everyone says, “just do what makes you happy. Don’t worry about what your parents think.” 

I’m trying, but it’s hard because my mother is a housewife for 20 years. It’s kinda hard to not have one day of peace where she doesn’t bring up my past. Asian parents are never satisfied either way. I heard it from my mom’s friend’s daughter, whom I grew up with. She’s a bit older than me and is already done with school. She’s currently now a veterinarian. I got the juice where she’s still getting the whole complaint department. I honestly thought she had it easier than me. Because she went to a University and graduated with a well financial job doctorate degree. But nope. Us, Asian Americans, still get it no matter what. It kinda makes me feel better that I’m not the only one getting all of this. So, for people that non-Asians, we’re NOT all that lucky. Our parents are NEVER satisfied. Even if we do get the degree and job, we still get compared. It’s tough. But the best advice and most of the advice I’ve been given is “Just ignore them. At this point, our minds are totally blank and we’re getting mentally tired.” To my Asian brothers and sisters, I feel ya pain!

parenting · personal · Uncategorized

College Student with Parent Problems

For 10 years, I never have a decent relationship with my parents. My dad is cool, but I don’t really talk to him due to his job as a full time business man job. My mom, on the other hand, did all the parenting. She had been a stay-at-mom for 20 years. Never had a job. Always focus on the household, kids, and finance. Growing up, she always have been on my case for every imperfection I had. Not getting As and Bs. No awards coming home. Maybe 1 or 2 honor rolls. And no strong communication. There was a lot of yelling and lecturing. She always sees me as the loser of the family. I always hear stories of my 2nd cousins from her side succeeding academically. They all went to a 4 year University after high school. Graduated with a professions degree. Went to graduate school. And made lots of money. At the same time, they all got into relationships and build their own family before age 30.

That, to my mom, is the perfect robot life that all Asian kids should have. I’ve had complained and rant about her for the last 10 years of my life. Nothing has changed with this woman. Everything I do is a failure to her. The fact I’m attending at a community college equals to lowest education on the planet. A job that barely makes money. And no drivers license. I’m basically going at a slow pace. She believes I’m wasting my time and doesn’t understand or even look on the positive note. I don’t know how much longer do I have to keep complaining about her. Every time, I went someone new or am around my friends, I ramble how awful my mother is. Anyone that doesn’t know her assumes she’s a nice woman. Well, she’s not. To me, she is the worst parent on Earth. There can’t be any parent that’s worse than my mother.

My mother has her fair share of a horrible mother. My maternal grandmother currently now has dementia/Alzheimer’s. But before she was diagnosed with such illness, my grandmother used to beat my mother and favors her younger sister the most. My mom grew up as the oldest of 3 kids. I don’t really hear much about her childhood now these days. But when I was a kid, my mom would tell (or should I say boast) about how great of a role model she is for her younger siblings. She boasts about having great academic skills, no bullies in her life, was so popular among men, etc. But everything she does is not pleasing to her mother. Sounds familiar, mom? I think she forgot all about it since she’s so focused on caring for my Alzheimer’s grandmother and trying to play the “older sibling” card.

Unlike her, I rebelled emotionally against my mother. I would lie to her about certain stuff. Mostly personal and school academics. Since she always want me to study 24/7 and such. At the same time, she wants me to have more friends yet hold high standards for them as well. Her mentality of having a group of friends is “the stupid goes with stupid” and the “smart goes with smart”. I feel that is true since I can’t communicate with anyone from a high class University, has a lot of money, and living their life. I’ve met people. I talk to them one day. The next you know they become more of an acquaintance. My friends would tell me “Just forget about her. Focus on what you want to do. You are your own person.” Truth to be told, it’s hard not to think about the emotional stress my mother put on me. One day, we’re fine. The next minute, I hear her complaining to a relative about how ungrateful and failure I am. Then I have to quietly ramble on and on about her being the uneducated and stupidest person on the planet. She always find something in the past of mine to pick on and call me the “worst daughter”.

With all of that stress inside of me, I always worry how I will act upon my own daughter. I can only hope for the best to try to not become like my mother. I mean, I grew up here. I don’t want to put the same emotional stress on my kids. Whether dream they have, I will support them. How they live their live is on their hands. I can only hope and guild them to the right path. At the same time, they shouldn’t fear of being alone. They can come talk to me if they need emotional support. I want to be the best mother I can be. My goal is not become like my mother. That’ll be my worst nightmare.

parenting · personal

What does a Parent look like?

I don’t have children of my own. But I dream of having one of my own. Two at most. A girl and a boy. I even picked out their names. If you want to see pictures of me, you could click the link to my Instagram. You will see that I look like a nice girl. No tattoos, piercings, or any crazy dyed hair color. Nope. All natural good girl look. You might approve and say “She looks like an eligible parent. Definitely wifey material”. Now let’s say I have tattoos, piercings, and different colored dyed hair. Would you determine if I make a good parent or not? You can’t tell because again, I don’t have children of my own. But I do have interaction with kids in my family. I also take care of my adult autistic brother who acts like a kid. Does that count?

This question was brought up by one of my acquaintances from college. Her name is Ashley. That’s her middle name, but spelled and pronounced differently. Due to private issues, I have to keep her in the dark. Anyway, I met Ashley back in Fall 2011. I was taking a typing computer class when she sat at the left end near me and a high school friend of mine. I love her personality. She’s original and sassy. But Ashley has had boy problems. Everywhere she goes, it’s always boy problem here and there. At the time, she and her first boyfriend were kinda going rocky. I forgot when they broke up. I’m sure it was a few months after we took the class. Since then, I haven’t seen nor spoken to her for a few years during the time. I did hear she didn’t attend school anymore and has worked as a cashier. In 2015, she added me on Facebook after I deleted her. Nothing personal. I just figured she and I aren’t close, so I removed her. After seeing her for the last year, I decide to add her back and figure out what’s she been up to. To my shock, she was 8 months pregnant and was due in the following month.

In addition, she dyed her hair “Red” and got herself a couple of tattoos. That didn’t question me whether she’s going to be a good mother or not. Appearance is just an impression. But if you dig deeper into the personality, you will find out if that person is good or not. To me, she is a good mother. I’ve seen posts and photos of her cute adorable son. Working and providing for what’s best for him is pretty awesome. She stays committed to her son. I don’t see how the color of her hair and a couple of stickers on her body is going to determine her as an individual of a mother. Too many people worry about their appearances when it comes to parenthood. I think it really depends on the individual themselves. No matter if you’re 24 or 40, if you can provide a happy and healthy environment for your child, then you’re doing a fantastic job as a parent. Worry about what you can do for your child than some total jerk telling you how to look as a parent.