Sex Again?

I know I spoken my views on sex. Don’t worry. I promise this is the last one. I got this inspiration from Gossip Guru. One comment about a YouTuber’s Loosing Your Virginity video really sparked up the conversation. To be honest, the topic is so overrated and misconception. It is the most hardest thing to ever talk about. Because I realize a lot of judgements go on in people’s sex life. The ones that has experience get called whores and sluts. The ones that has no to little experience get called boring. Growing up, people around me whould shame one and another for having sex. Once someone does it, they’re automatically a slut. If you’re virgin, then you’re safe. However, when I got to college, there are many judgements of my old status. I come across a lot of guys (mainly) because it has to do with dating. I get asked about my sex life. I’m always honest about it. They find it odd for someone in a college age to still be abstinence. They would either try to change my mind or give the general, “No guy wants a virgin” talk.

It is so annoying to hear “No guy wants a virgin”. Is there something wrong with being a virgin? I’m not judging your sex life. Why should you judge mine? To be fair, we always get taught that abstinence is the way to go. Depending on the school you attended, I’m sure high school health teachers would strictly force the abstinence lifestyle on young teenagers. In many cases, we get judged either way. There’s never a mature un-biased opinion of sex. In my personal opinion, sex is a serious act between two lovers. People don’t have to agree with me. But don’t try to change my mind. I’m not doing it to you. You shouldn’t do it to me.

There are people who loves casual sex. That’s totally fine. As long the person knows what they’re doing and be safe, then it’s all good. We really need to educate young children about sex the correct way. No one should be afraid or intimated of asking such topic. I’m not saying “Go have sex”. I just want young children to understand the concept of sex. Whatever choice they decide, they must know what they are doing. If they don’t know what they’re doing, then huge consequences would be lining up behind their backs. Also, we should inform the children to never judge someone’s sex life. I cannot stress on how easy it is to judge people. Judgements should never be made because of someone’s sex life. No one likes to be called boring or slutty. All I’m saying is have respects for everyone. You don’t have to agree with their decision. Just let them be.

 

 

 

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The Virgin Who’s Getting There

I only slept with one person my entire life. When it comes to this department, my boyfriend believes we were not sexually compatible due to the different levels of sexual drive. I personally haven’t “practice” much nor have done “research” to put in the work. It even sucks when your boyfriend compares with you with an old girlfriend who got it right away. I don’t hate sex. I just have a harder time, expressing myself. I don’t believe it’s my fault that I have such lack. Growing up, my mother never allowed sexuality inside the house. When I became the age of curiosity, she became a raging dragon. She pretty much prevented me from learning about the topic. Anytime I would secretly try to look up porn, my mother would somehow find a way and destroy me into bits. I can still remember all those rages and disgusting yells as a little girl.

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From then, sex never came across my mind. I was burned. I thought I wouldn’t have a problem with sex since no one nagged me about it. Then I met my first ex. When he found out about my status, he immediately took an interest. It’s sorta like a lion hunting a deer. Except the deer was too smart and outsmart the lion. But that didn’t stop the multiple lions lining up for their next meal. I’ve had desperate online perverts asking me “when will we do it?” I always define the timing as never. They either get pissed at me or try to curse me with a bad boyfriend who will leave once they know of my status.

Well, I came across this boyfriend. I let him see me naked for the first time after 6 weeks of dating. We’ve been having sex like rabbits for the past year. giphy

I’m not saying I’m the best of all the girls he had sex with. I still have some flaws here and there. My insecurities is at a 50% level. Clearly, I do love and trust my boyfriend. I just have trouble expressing. I know it’s been a year. It’s enough time to practice and make some improvements. This stuff doesn’t happen overnight. I’m surprised he didn’t dare to cheat or leave after this whole year hassle. If it were for someone else, that person would jump the gun immediately. Then I’d be shamed with “Why didn’t you put in the work?”, “You deserve to get cheated on”, etc. I think my insecurities are talking. I still feel like virgin who’s just getting there.

Two Important Advices to LDR

My boyfriend is struggling to find the idea of being in a LDR (long distance relationship) a challenge. From most general’s opinion, a LDR doesn’t work out in most cases. The most common disaster to every failed LDR is either the distance got into them or cheating was in the picture. His first failed LDR involves in both cases. But what hurts him the most was his first love cheated on him. So most likely after that LDR, he wouldn’t want to experience it again. However, things took a turn when the his love of his life will be going away to University and experience LDR once more. I have an understanding from his experience and most failed LDR experiences that it’s awful to go through. But about 1% of LDR couples made it out together. It’s surprisingly great yet hard work.

I wasn’t fond of being in a long distance either. In beginning of our relationship, we were suppose to be in a LDR twice. However, it was a close call when things didn’t go the way he pictured. It wasn’t the third round where we have to be in one. It’s not bad. But the idea of us separated 35 miles isn’t sinking in well for him. I was willing to go through with the idea of being in my first LDR. So far, our plan to go through with this LDR is to have him visit every weekend or 2. If he gets a job and save up for his own ride, he should start in September. I tried to object to that idea of him driving to Northridge for 2 hours and seeing his girlfriend. But nothing stops him because of his love for me.

But I really want to find another way for him to not overthink about us being separated. I decide to google for the best LDR advices I could find. I came across a very interesting blog about a girl going through her 3rd LDR. I know. It’s extremely crazy. You would think she learned her lesson from the first 2 and date someone in her own time zone. To be honest, she had heard her lessons. But it wouldn’t incline her to not be in the 3rd LDR. I read her blog and I find it very relatable and a must advice to digest. The number one mistake most LDR couples make is being clingy and overthinking. With the idea of being separated for -insert number of miles-, one is bound to get either extreme crazy or not. Sometimes the fear of them not around will make you doubt their loyalty. It’s okay to be awry in a relationship. But it doesn’t mean you can go in stalk mode and accuse your significant other of being unfaithful every time. Unless you see them in Vegas and they told you they’re at a family funeral, then go on bitch mode. But other than that, take a chill pill.  Also, communicate the right away. Once a week update is enough. No constant text, call, and Skyping. Once a week is enough. I really hope he learns something from his first LDR and don’t screw up with this one. I think God is granting him a second chance.

Young Adult Rebel Kisses

I’m 25 years old. I never kissed or was intimated with a guy until my boyfriend came into the picture. Because I have so much affectionate for him, I expressed my affections. My mother never kissed or display any affections towards my father. Being a traditional Asian woman, she believes it’s inappropriate and a sign of disrespect. Especially when it comes into marriage. To her, marriage is a business relationship. You sign a contract and you’re stuck with that person forever. Obviously, I stuck out and rebel against her relationship advisory. Growing up, I’m well aware of STDs and pregnancy. I’ve been told to keep abstinence till marriage. My first kiss wasn’t until college. I feel like she’s holding onto me like a teenager.

For the past couple years, I’ve been rebellious against my mother’s dreams and wishes. I stopped doing what she want in my life. I became an English Literature major instead of continuing in the medical field. I experience intimacy for the first time in a serious relationship. I even snuck out late at night to visit my boyfriend in Downey on Lyft. Which I paid for with my own money. I also even snuck him over. All of these make me feel like a teenager. I know it’s bad to have to constantly lie to my mother about my relationship. But who cares? I’ve had a broken relationship with her since I was born. This afternoon, she yells at me again about what my paternal grandmother said about me. My paternal grandmother believes I’m disrespecting both of my parents. She also thinks kissing in public is disgusting. Almost made it seem like I’m a slut.

My mother scolded me for kissing my boyfriend on the lips. After being told by her sister that she’s crazy, she yells at me for telling her that. She claims that her sister is an underachiever and is to not be asked for advice. She’s pretty biased. I’m wondering how long these two are going at it in my relationship and life. They all say family knows best. But these people don’t. My mother never been through a relationship. Everything she says on relationship is bogus and sounds like coming from a gold digger. My paternal grandmother has done stuff when she was my age. She just never took proud of her decisions. I mean she had a teacher-student relationship with her college Physics professor (My paternal grandfather). She even had pre-martial sex and had a child out of wedlock. Like why she is saying she’s innocent. My mother did nothing out of the ordinary in her life. I don’t know how these two are buddy buddy with each other.

Life Without Him

Even though things are calmer, I still want to put myself in a distant. My boyfriend seem to be noticing my distant behavior. Personally, I don’t feel comfortable with being reminded what happened. I already am covered with guilt. I begin to wonder what life be like without him. Before I met my boyfriend, I was struggling with intimacy and romance. There were suitors, but no potential boyfriend. I always complain to my guy friends that love isn’t real and games are always played. They kept reassuring me that there will be that person out there. I just need to keep my head up. In a meantime, I should feel comfortable being single and finding out what I want in a relationship.

Now I have my boyfriend, I begin to wonder what it be like if I call off our relationship. After a year and one month of being together, what would it like if I just walk away? Will I suffer more than my first love? Am I going to be in a long break? Is he going to the one that prevents me from meeting new candidates? I honestly asked myself that plenty of times. I do love him, however, he just sometimes is a pain in the neck. The good news is I can deal with him as a whole. Nothing about him wants me to strangle him. Maybe a couple. But that’s about it.

But the thing is I can never have the guts to let him go. I usually can let go easily if the relationship is broken or undesired. But our relationship isn’t broken or undesired. I just want him around regardless. People might disagree on this situation. They even will question me. Like what the heck I want? Maybe I’m just scared to face the hardships. As a person who’s never been in fights with people, I hate confrontation. It scares the crap out of me. It’s why I suck at communication when it comes to fights. I personally don’t want to think about it and just move forward. Plus the things I say off my mind, people think I’m an asshole based on my humanity theories. I’m usually the misunderstood person. It’s probably why I’m putting my distant between my boyfriend and I.

What I learned about Relationships

After the first fight, I’ve dug more deeper into the relationship than I expected. My boyfriend gave the whole day yesterday to construct some thinking and told his side of the story. I agreed most of the stuff I said to him was unnecessary. Because my rage and anger got into me. He didn’t find it a turnoff when I cursed at him because I’m the right one for him. However, the rest was uncalled for. He find a bit puzzling of why I wasn’t positive about us being together and insisted to find someone else if I want to. Well when you grew up liking the wrong person, you always believe you deserve better. Coming from someone who never had a real relationship, I always use the card to prove I’m the stronger one and never let anyone else know about my weak side.

I guess everything I learned about relationships don’t really applied to the current relationship I’m in. I do have the right mentality, but my views on romantic relationships should be much deeper. Not everyone is as independent as I am. I can express my love, but I prefer to feel it emotionally rather than through words. It’s how I am with everyone. But when it came down to the boyfriend, he wants to be reminded at least 1-3 times a week. I do send in a little text here and there. It wasn’t quite enough. Like a female complaint, “Why can’t you just send in a love message at least once in a day? It isn’t that hard. Only takes 30 seconds.”

I’m literally smiling at that complaint for it usually comes from a female’s mouth. I never knew it would come from a guy. I’m like one of those stereotypical guy who’s clueless about romance. I sure learned a lot about it. If anything, I spent many years trying to build a wall around me. I use the wall to protect myself from getting hurt after my previous failed relationship. People always advise me to never be naive when it comes to romance. Take your time, they say. But no one told me when you’re in a 7 month relationship, at this point, you should probably let your shield down and let out some love. That really reminded me of that one stereotypical quote.

You know how majority say a guy should give in more than a girl in the love department? I believe that’s what I had been doing. I give in 40% while the boyfriend gives in 60%. Relationships should meet halfway, not one or another. I now understand why he questions my love for him. I feel too shy to express myself. Growing up, I always believe if I have the current mentality of a perfect girl, I was sure my boyfriend would love it. Apparently, I am mistaken.

I’m pretty happy to have found my boyfriend. Now I am 100% positive he is the magic lucky lottery winning. With him, I feel like I have won the jackpot. My boyfriend sure deserves boyfriend of the year for keeping up with me. Most guys would give up within a month. I should keep reminding myself that I am with the right person, not the wrong one. That means the wall is torn and I’m letting my shields down. This girl is in love. Not high school version puppy love. But actually love.

The Worst Fight

I’m sitting in the dark on my laptop with my stuffed puppy, thinking and worrying. I just spend the last few hours, crying my tears off. My boyfriend and I had our worst fight ever. Usually when we fight, we leave it off for a day and come back. He never had to ask me for time to think about the next step. But this time, he asked.

I mention how my boyfriend has trust issues and insecurities. I made a vow to help him and be there as long as I can. Lately, he has his doubts about my feelings for him. Every time he mentions these thoughts, I didn’t want to sugarcoat, but I try my best to be as honest as I can be. But my honesty makes it seem too harsh and realistic. It’s too much to the point where he believes my lack of concern and caring is showing. When it comes to relationships, I believe in realism. Meaning, I look at things maturely and not be so naive. People assume I don’t care and takes it as a gesture to leave me.

It’s not the first time people decide to walk out of my life. Breakups are horrible, but I deal with things differently. I told my boyfriend that plenty of times. However, it seems he wanted a different answer. He want the loving and nurturing partner. I do tell him “I love you” as much as I can. It seems to him that it’s not enough. That really got him into thinking otherwise. I became angry of his doubts of the relationship. When I get angry, I tend to think of horrible thoughts that I don’t dare to say. Usually, I keep the horrible thoughts to myself and no one knows them. I made an awareness of my anger and warn my boyfriend to not poke the bear. But him being curious wanted to see my anger. He has seen me upset, but not this bad.

I begged him three times to not poke the bear. He poked the bear and insist that I tell or else he’ll see me less of a person. I had no choice, but to say what was on my mind. I never let my bad thoughts out to anyone. Because it is dangerous. Once it’s out, it’s out. Immediately, I felt regret and cried. My boyfriend became shocked and questioned if this thought was the real me and whether this is the reason we should end our relationship. I didn’t want to seem like a beggar. At the same time, I mixed in with reassurance. He didn’t want to believe me and I know how hurt he felt.

Cursing at him is the biggest turn off and one of the reasons for him to leave a relationship. In the beginning, I made sure I didn’t curse at him. There was one time, it slipped out, but he forgave me at the end. I’m not sure about this time. The fight got into more of a mess when I said more realistic points if I break up with him. I basically opened the door for him to leave if he wants to. I also mention how I waited my whole life for true love and I can do it again if I want to. That sentence made him automatically assume he’s not my true love. I tried explaining it’s not true and I was just being realistic.

I guess being realistic got me into a huge pile of trash and he asked for some days to think after my final plea. I didn’t want to say more, so I left the choice up to him. Because if I say more, he’ll turn against me and point out my realistic points as a way to prove I don’t love him. This whole fight really made me unhappy. My honesty seem to be getting me into trouble. When I get too honest, people automatically assume I don’t care when I have a different view.

I asked myself if my realism was the cause of the fight. I also worry what would happen to us. I don’t want things to end. My boyfriend is my true love. I want to see our relationship go into beyond years as long as it can. Even when I get angry, I still want him by my side. But because of this fight, I don’t know if he wants to be around me anymore. He told me he needed time to think about our relationship. I gave the choice to take the break if he wants. But I won’t say more because the relationship was already at tense.

Now a few hours later, I’m sitting alone in the dark, on my laptop. I can’t even sleep either, thinking of the worst thoughts. I don’t know what he’s doing. I would sit and pray that he won’t leave me. However,I feel there’s a 50% he’ll go with his guts and dump me before anyone gets hurt. I want to do the gesture for him on Facebook because it’s a lot faster. But I didn’t. I have to wait for his answer. Why is my honesty a curse? I can’t tell a lie yet telling the truth is even worse. Since when honesty becomes a  sin? Do I have to lie my way in the relationship too? That’s not what I want.

I fear his days would turn into a week. Then a month. Finally, forever. If he does make the choice of leaving, there’s nothing I can do to convince him otherwise. However, I do want to make a final plea. I did say breakups are horrible, but I deal with things differently. I feel this one will hurt me more than my 2nd ex. Loosing my boyfriend will be the worst. I don’t think I could find anyone that loves me unconditionally and respectfully. He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me this year. I love him more than my first love. He is sincerely my true love. I don’t think he’ll ever believe me since I made too many realistic pointers. Curse my realism ideas.