I’m sitting in the dark on my laptop with my stuffed puppy, thinking and worrying. I just spend the last few hours, crying my tears off. My boyfriend and I had our worst fight ever. Usually when we fight, we leave it off for a day and come back. He never had to ask me for time to think about the next step. But this time, he asked.
I mention how my boyfriend has trust issues and insecurities. I made a vow to help him and be there as long as I can. Lately, he has his doubts about my feelings for him. Every time he mentions these thoughts, I didn’t want to sugarcoat, but I try my best to be as honest as I can be. But my honesty makes it seem too harsh and realistic. It’s too much to the point where he believes my lack of concern and caring is showing. When it comes to relationships, I believe in realism. Meaning, I look at things maturely and not be so naive. People assume I don’t care and takes it as a gesture to leave me.
It’s not the first time people decide to walk out of my life. Breakups are horrible, but I deal with things differently. I told my boyfriend that plenty of times. However, it seems he wanted a different answer. He want the loving and nurturing partner. I do tell him “I love you” as much as I can. It seems to him that it’s not enough. That really got him into thinking otherwise. I became angry of his doubts of the relationship. When I get angry, I tend to think of horrible thoughts that I don’t dare to say. Usually, I keep the horrible thoughts to myself and no one knows them. I made an awareness of my anger and warn my boyfriend to not poke the bear. But him being curious wanted to see my anger. He has seen me upset, but not this bad.
I begged him three times to not poke the bear. He poked the bear and insist that I tell or else he’ll see me less of a person. I had no choice, but to say what was on my mind. I never let my bad thoughts out to anyone. Because it is dangerous. Once it’s out, it’s out. Immediately, I felt regret and cried. My boyfriend became shocked and questioned if this thought was the real me and whether this is the reason we should end our relationship. I didn’t want to seem like a beggar. At the same time, I mixed in with reassurance. He didn’t want to believe me and I know how hurt he felt.
Cursing at him is the biggest turn off and one of the reasons for him to leave a relationship. In the beginning, I made sure I didn’t curse at him. There was one time, it slipped out, but he forgave me at the end. I’m not sure about this time. The fight got into more of a mess when I said more realistic points if I break up with him. I basically opened the door for him to leave if he wants to. I also mention how I waited my whole life for true love and I can do it again if I want to. That sentence made him automatically assume he’s not my true love. I tried explaining it’s not true and I was just being realistic.
I guess being realistic got me into a huge pile of trash and he asked for some days to think after my final plea. I didn’t want to say more, so I left the choice up to him. Because if I say more, he’ll turn against me and point out my realistic points as a way to prove I don’t love him. This whole fight really made me unhappy. My honesty seem to be getting me into trouble. When I get too honest, people automatically assume I don’t care when I have a different view.
I asked myself if my realism was the cause of the fight. I also worry what would happen to us. I don’t want things to end. My boyfriend is my true love. I want to see our relationship go into beyond years as long as it can. Even when I get angry, I still want him by my side. But because of this fight, I don’t know if he wants to be around me anymore. He told me he needed time to think about our relationship. I gave the choice to take the break if he wants. But I won’t say more because the relationship was already at tense.
Now a few hours later, I’m sitting alone in the dark, on my laptop. I can’t even sleep either, thinking of the worst thoughts. I don’t know what he’s doing. I would sit and pray that he won’t leave me. However,I feel there’s a 50% he’ll go with his guts and dump me before anyone gets hurt. I want to do the gesture for him on Facebook because it’s a lot faster. But I didn’t. I have to wait for his answer. Why is my honesty a curse? I can’t tell a lie yet telling the truth is even worse. Since when honesty becomes a sin? Do I have to lie my way in the relationship too? That’s not what I want.
I fear his days would turn into a week. Then a month. Finally, forever. If he does make the choice of leaving, there’s nothing I can do to convince him otherwise. However, I do want to make a final plea. I did say breakups are horrible, but I deal with things differently. I feel this one will hurt me more than my 2nd ex. Loosing my boyfriend will be the worst. I don’t think I could find anyone that loves me unconditionally and respectfully. He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me this year. I love him more than my first love. He is sincerely my true love. I don’t think he’ll ever believe me since I made too many realistic pointers. Curse my realism ideas.