Life Without Him

Even though things are calmer, I still want to put myself in a distant. My boyfriend seem to be noticing my distant behavior. Personally, I don’t feel comfortable with being reminded what happened. I already am covered with guilt. I begin to wonder what life be like without him. Before I met my boyfriend, I was struggling with intimacy and romance. There were suitors, but no potential boyfriend. I always complain to my guy friends that love isn’t real and games are always played. They kept reassuring me that there will be that person out there. I just need to keep my head up. In a meantime, I should feel comfortable being single and finding out what I want in a relationship.

Now I have my boyfriend, I begin to wonder what it be like if I call off our relationship. After a year and one month of being together, what would it like if I just walk away? Will I suffer more than my first love? Am I going to be in a long break? Is he going to the one that prevents me from meeting new candidates? I honestly asked myself that plenty of times. I do love him, however, he just sometimes is a pain in the neck. The good news is I can deal with him as a whole. Nothing about him wants me to strangle him. Maybe a couple. But that’s about it.

But the thing is I can never have the guts to let him go. I usually can let go easily if the relationship is broken or undesired. But our relationship isn’t broken or undesired. I just want him around regardless. People might disagree on this situation. They even will question me. Like what the heck I want? Maybe I’m just scared to face the hardships. As a person who’s never been in fights with people, I hate confrontation. It scares the crap out of me. It’s why I suck at communication when it comes to fights. I personally don’t want to think about it and just move forward. Plus the things I say off my mind, people think I’m an asshole based on my humanity theories. I’m usually the misunderstood person. It’s probably why I’m putting my distant between my boyfriend and I.


What I learned about Relationships

After the first fight, I’ve dug more deeper into the relationship than I expected. My boyfriend gave the whole day yesterday to construct some thinking and told his side of the story. I agreed most of the stuff I said to him was unnecessary. Because my rage and anger got into me. He didn’t find it a turnoff when I cursed at him because I’m the right one for him. However, the rest was uncalled for. He find a bit puzzling of why I wasn’t positive about us being together and insisted to find someone else if I want to. Well when you grew up liking the wrong person, you always believe you deserve better. Coming from someone who never had a real relationship, I always use the card to prove I’m the stronger one and never let anyone else know about my weak side.

I guess everything I learned about relationships don’t really applied to the current relationship I’m in. I do have the right mentality, but my views on romantic relationships should be much deeper. Not everyone is as independent as I am. I can express my love, but I prefer to feel it emotionally rather than through words. It’s how I am with everyone. But when it came down to the boyfriend, he wants to be reminded at least 1-3 times a week. I do send in a little text here and there. It wasn’t quite enough. Like a female complaint, “Why can’t you just send in a love message at least once in a day? It isn’t that hard. Only takes 30 seconds.”

I’m literally smiling at that complaint for it usually comes from a female’s mouth. I never knew it would come from a guy. I’m like one of those stereotypical guy who’s clueless about romance. I sure learned a lot about it. If anything, I spent many years trying to build a wall around me. I use the wall to protect myself from getting hurt after my previous failed relationship. People always advise me to never be naive when it comes to romance. Take your time, they say. But no one told me when you’re in a 7 month relationship, at this point, you should probably let your shield down and let out some love. That really reminded me of that one stereotypical quote.

You know how majority say a guy should give in more than a girl in the love department? I believe that’s what I had been doing. I give in 40% while the boyfriend gives in 60%. Relationships should meet halfway, not one or another. I now understand why he questions my love for him. I feel too shy to express myself. Growing up, I always believe if I have the current mentality of a perfect girl, I was sure my boyfriend would love it. Apparently, I am mistaken.

I’m pretty happy to have found my boyfriend. Now I am 100% positive he is the magic lucky lottery winning. With him, I feel like I have won the jackpot. My boyfriend sure deserves boyfriend of the year for keeping up with me. Most guys would give up within a month. I should keep reminding myself that I am with the right person, not the wrong one. That means the wall is torn and I’m letting my shields down. This girl is in love. Not high school version puppy love. But actually love.

The Worst Fight

I’m sitting in the dark on my laptop with my stuffed puppy, thinking and worrying. I just spend the last few hours, crying my tears off. My boyfriend and I had our worst fight ever. Usually when we fight, we leave it off for a day and come back. He never had to ask me for time to think about the next step. But this time, he asked.

I mention how my boyfriend has trust issues and insecurities. I made a vow to help him and be there as long as I can. Lately, he has his doubts about my feelings for him. Every time he mentions these thoughts, I didn’t want to sugarcoat, but I try my best to be as honest as I can be. But my honesty makes it seem too harsh and realistic. It’s too much to the point where he believes my lack of concern and caring is showing. When it comes to relationships, I believe in realism. Meaning, I look at things maturely and not be so naive. People assume I don’t care and takes it as a gesture to leave me.

It’s not the first time people decide to walk out of my life. Breakups are horrible, but I deal with things differently. I told my boyfriend that plenty of times. However, it seems he wanted a different answer. He want the loving and nurturing partner. I do tell him “I love you” as much as I can. It seems to him that it’s not enough. That really got him into thinking otherwise. I became angry of his doubts of the relationship. When I get angry, I tend to think of horrible thoughts that I don’t dare to say. Usually, I keep the horrible thoughts to myself and no one knows them. I made an awareness of my anger and warn my boyfriend to not poke the bear. But him being curious wanted to see my anger. He has seen me upset, but not this bad.

I begged him three times to not poke the bear. He poked the bear and insist that I tell or else he’ll see me less of a person. I had no choice, but to say what was on my mind. I never let my bad thoughts out to anyone. Because it is dangerous. Once it’s out, it’s out. Immediately, I felt regret and cried. My boyfriend became shocked and questioned if this thought was the real me and whether this is the reason we should end our relationship. I didn’t want to seem like a beggar. At the same time, I mixed in with reassurance. He didn’t want to believe me and I know how hurt he felt.

Cursing at him is the biggest turn off and one of the reasons for him to leave a relationship. In the beginning, I made sure I didn’t curse at him. There was one time, it slipped out, but he forgave me at the end. I’m not sure about this time. The fight got into more of a mess when I said more realistic points if I break up with him. I basically opened the door for him to leave if he wants to. I also mention how I waited my whole life for true love and I can do it again if I want to. That sentence made him automatically assume he’s not my true love. I tried explaining it’s not true and I was just being realistic.

I guess being realistic got me into a huge pile of trash and he asked for some days to think after my final plea. I didn’t want to say more, so I left the choice up to him. Because if I say more, he’ll turn against me and point out my realistic points as a way to prove I don’t love him. This whole fight really made me unhappy. My honesty seem to be getting me into trouble. When I get too honest, people automatically assume I don’t care when I have a different view.

I asked myself if my realism was the cause of the fight. I also worry what would happen to us. I don’t want things to end. My boyfriend is my true love. I want to see our relationship go into beyond years as long as it can. Even when I get angry, I still want him by my side. But because of this fight, I don’t know if he wants to be around me anymore. He told me he needed time to think about our relationship. I gave the choice to take the break if he wants. But I won’t say more because the relationship was already at tense.

Now a few hours later, I’m sitting alone in the dark, on my laptop. I can’t even sleep either, thinking of the worst thoughts. I don’t know what he’s doing. I would sit and pray that he won’t leave me. However,I feel there’s a 50% he’ll go with his guts and dump me before anyone gets hurt. I want to do the gesture for him on Facebook because it’s a lot faster. But I didn’t. I have to wait for his answer. Why is my honesty a curse? I can’t tell a lie yet telling the truth is even worse. Since when honesty becomes a  sin? Do I have to lie my way in the relationship too? That’s not what I want.

I fear his days would turn into a week. Then a month. Finally, forever. If he does make the choice of leaving, there’s nothing I can do to convince him otherwise. However, I do want to make a final plea. I did say breakups are horrible, but I deal with things differently. I feel this one will hurt me more than my 2nd ex. Loosing my boyfriend will be the worst. I don’t think I could find anyone that loves me unconditionally and respectfully. He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me this year. I love him more than my first love. He is sincerely my true love. I don’t think he’ll ever believe me since I made too many realistic pointers. Curse my realism ideas.


Dating Someone With Trust Issues

I’ve come across many guys with personal issues in their lives. Most of them don’t admit to their flaws. I usually quit after a few months of finding out that they’re not worth helping. I want to find someone with the same confidence as I do. However, it feels entirely impossible because some still have their past troubling them. My boyfriend has been completely honest with me. It’s really helpful with the relationship. We have our ups and downs, however, the arguments end quick and we’re back to normal programming.

I love my relationship with him. He is much better than my exes. If I have to rate how healthy our relationship is from a scale of 1 to 10, I pick between an 8 and 9. It’s somewhere around there. I’m glad to have found someone that treats me with such respect and unconditional love. It’s what I always want in a committed relationship. However, I’m faced with a challenge. While I found out about his trust issues and insecurities, I have to construct an idea of being his therapist. I’m also putting lots of prays that he won’t be an emotional abusive boyfriend.

The last relationship he had, he was an emotional abuser to his ex. Because of the long distance, it’s very hard to put such trust and confidence that your partner won’t do any harm. I have a feeling that she felt really trapped and decide to do the worst uncalled action to get him to leave. It’s devastating, but it had to be done. I personally had no desires to do such uncalled action if I was in that position. I would try to find my own exit to avoid such toxic.

Seven months in the relationship, there’s no sign of toxic. I already gave my word that I will help him out. I’m a huge sucker to help anyone out in distress. No one should ever feel that they’re alone. Even if it’s repetitive, I will always stay by their side. However, never expect me to sugarcoat advices. If one thing makes things worse is sugarcoating. I made mistakes of sugarcoating with two ex-friends of mine when they’re going through issues. By one to three years, I gave up on them because they don’t want to encourage themselves to get better. They want to continue to rely on others to give them the strength to move forward.

I don’t want to waste my time, trying to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. As I said, it’s not my job to make them feel secure. It’s their job. I’ve heard stories of people dating someone with trust issues. The result came into an unhealthy relationship, which lead to breaking up. There is a way to date someone with trust issues and still maintain a healthy relationship. The tip is to be there for them as a therapist and lover. Make sure they’re not taking advantage of the help and turn the relationship into controlling. The last thing I need is a jealous boyfriend banning every guy in my life from talking to me, including relatives. Other than that, wish me luck on my journey.

Second Chances Do Come

Last night, my boyfriend came over and we celebrate our 7 month anniversary. After a nice romantic movie, we laid in bed and talked. Out of nowhere, he started speaking of his past. Mainly, his last relationship. He confessed into something I never heard. Aside from the infidelity, he admits into not being the best boyfriend for her. The long distance and emotional abuse he caused, the relationship tumbled down into a disaster. I had a feeling he was talking about her and how much regret he felt.

The confession hits home very well. My second ex not only committed infidelity, but also lied and lead me on. I never believe in giving second chances. Once you are out of my life, there’s a 0.01% chance that the person will receive one. After a year not speaking to each other, my second ex tried attempting his way to talk to me. The whole attempt caught me off guard. By then, I already had forgotten the anger and pain. I didn’t a give the time to hear my ex out because the situation was awkward. I had no clue what to say to him. But I had a feeling how much regret he felt for causing such pain to me.

He never had the chance to say what he wanted to say. By Spring 2016, he spend his last semester at my school before transferring to UCLA. I never saw nor heard from him again. My friends applauded me for doing the right thing. As much as I want to have the last talk before he goes, I can’t do anything about it. It’s best if we leave it in the past and he moves on. I’m hoping that he learns his mistakes and take it with him in future relationships. I want my ex to know that I’m not angry. I forgive what had happened between us.

I believe God will give a special one to my ex and hopefully he’ll treat the next girl right. Love and care for her tenderly as much as mine does with me. Second chances are hard to come by. But if given, don’t screw it up. Do it right this time.

Boyfriend’s Insecurity

The most amazing moment I found out today. My boyfriend just revealed his insecurities to me. It started this morning where I received a text from him. He had doubts about our relationship. This happened plenty of times to the point where it’s becoming predictable. The relationship always have to point to me, making it rocked. I got angry and want to stop reassuring him that everything’s fine. In conclusion, I told him that it’s up to him if he doesn’t trust me, then he can leave. That’s where he revealed that he cheated on me in a dream. The dream made him felt extreme guilt. I almost lost it at the words “I cheated on you“. But luckily, I read more further and was relieved.

Then I remembered what he told me 6 months ago. My boyfriend is a complicated person to be with and has trust issues. I gave my word to him that I will stick around anyway. Most people, mainly girls, would be angry if their significant other cheats on them in a dream. Honestly, I believe we can’t control what we dream of. Sometimes, the dreams are just random. Plus I also admit to having cheating dreams, too. I told him it doesn’t mean anything. I’ve done the research and it doesn’t mean we have the desire to cheat. It probably means we done something guilty related. I know he and I wouldn’t act upon it.

I fully understand his insecurities. It’s hard for him because he never had a loyal girlfriend before. My boyfriend tries his best not to be possessive with me. However, I also believe that he shouldn’t have to feel insecure. I am a very trustworthy person. I wouldn’t betray anyone’s trust. In romantic relationships, I stay fully committed to one until given reason not to. Other than that, I already proved to him that nothing should make him feel any less. There may be other guys in my life, especially my close guy friends. But my guy friends aren’t stupid enough to wreck my relationship. Most of them rather stay single for now. I used to have the same insecurities, but I got over it. If someone is in my life for at least 6 months and we have a good bond, then I can determine that the person will be in my life for quite a while. It happens with most of my friends.

I have no problems or doubts in our relationship. For him, it may take a while. I understand completely. He’s going to have to know by himself that I won’t do anything to hurt him. People can trust me very easily. The only ones that don’t, they left on their own reason whether it’s valid or not. I have no problem in holding the door open. It’s their choice to exit out if they want to. I’m not the type to sugarcoat everything and convince them otherwise. I said enough. But if they’re lucky that I feel they’re worth keeping around, I won’t find their insecurities annoying. My best friend from 9th grade went through the same with me. She didn’t have that many loyalty friends. I was the first one to be her loyal friend. It took her a while to fully trust me.

Now I’m going through it again with my boyfriend. I’ll commit to it and keep reassuring even if I get angry. I’m ready for the ride.

Advice to the Other Guy

Most of the world are familiar with the term, “Friend zone”. In popular culture, the term defines as a situation where one member of friendship desires to enter a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be undesired or dreaded situation by the rejected person.

The gender that suffers or complains the most about the Friend zone is male. Females have been in the friend zone, too. However, we females, handle it better because there’s more to life than to complain about not being worth for a guy. I haven’t heard such term until my senior year of high school. The most popular filmmakers on YouTube, WongFu Productions, released their skits or short films related to such subject. Others began to follow on short notice.

In my belief, the friend zone is not something you can stick yourself in forever. As every romantic cliché in the book says, there are plenty of fishes in the sea. No one need to growl yourself for being the nice guy. I personally seen enough memes related to these subjects. It is highly passive aggressive. Everyone gets rejected once in their lifetime. You, Me, and Bigfoot. If you want to get angry over a little rejection, then you don’t deserve a relationship. “But she played with my feelings!” As Regina George says, “Oh boo. You whore.

I’ve been a nice girl all my life. Guys from my past always complain about not being the candidate for girls they like. They believe there’s no nice girl left in the building. I personally would love to hold up a sign myself and scream that there is a nice girl right in front of them. However, there is not a minute worth chasing after someone who doesn’t see me that way. Though I never would deny any moment of wondering if there is someone for me. It only took some time and I landed in the lovely arms of the perfect guy.

My advice for those whom complains about being in the Friend zone, you might as well buckle down and quit whining your ass off. Do you want to know the secret to get out of the Friend zone? Don’t put yourself in one. See the rejection as a close call. Who knows if you get in a relationship with that person, it’ll later turn into a huge mistake. There is a reason why you two are not together. She may not be the person for you. I’m positive that there is a much better nice girl if you stop being an ass. No one will feel pity for you if rejection was received. If the girl doesn’t see you that way, don’t waste your time thinking she’s the only perfect woman.

God has plans for you to meet the one woman. He will lead you to full time happiness, not pain. You will never feel agony once you are with your true love. I truly have a strong belief in it. I used to be a pessimistic in the category. However, things got turn around when I met my boyfriend. Everyone wins the race. You just need to go through the jungle  filled with angry baboons and sly leopards. Before you know it, she’ll be at the finish line.