love · relationship advice

What I learned about Relationships

After the first fight, I’ve dug more deeper into the relationship than I expected. My boyfriend gave the whole day yesterday to construct some thinking and told his side of the story. I agreed most of the stuff I said to him was unnecessary. Because my rage and anger got into me. He didn’t find it a turnoff when I cursed at him because I’m the right one for him. However, the rest was uncalled for. He find a bit puzzling of why I wasn’t positive about us being together and insisted to find someone else if I want to. Well when you grew up liking the wrong person, you always believe you deserve better. Coming from someone who never had a real relationship, I always use the card to prove I’m the stronger one and never let anyone else know about my weak side.

I guess everything I learned about relationships don’t really applied to the current relationship I’m in. I do have the right mentality, but my views on romantic relationships should be much deeper. Not everyone is as independent as I am. I can express my love, but I prefer to feel it emotionally rather than through words. It’s how I am with everyone. But when it came down to the boyfriend, he wants to be reminded at least 1-3 times a week. I do send in a little text here and there. It wasn’t quite enough. Like a female complaint, “Why can’t you just send in a love message at least once in a day? It isn’t that hard. Only takes 30 seconds.”

I’m literally smiling at that complaint for it usually comes from a female’s mouth. I never knew it would come from a guy. I’m like one of those stereotypical guy who’s clueless about romance. I sure learned a lot about it. If anything, I spent many years trying to build a wall around me. I use the wall to protect myself from getting hurt after my previous failed relationship. People always advise me to never be naive when it comes to romance. Take your time, they say. But no one told me when you’re in a 7 month relationship, at this point, you should probably let your shield down and let out some love. That really reminded me of that one stereotypical quote.

You know how majority say a guy should give in more than a girl in the love department? I believe that’s what I had been doing. I give in 40% while the boyfriend gives in 60%. Relationships should meet halfway, not one or another. I now understand why he questions my love for him. I feel too shy to express myself. Growing up, I always believe if I have the current mentality of a perfect girl, I was sure my boyfriend would love it. Apparently, I am mistaken.

I’m pretty happy to have found my boyfriend. Now I am 100% positive he is the magic lucky lottery winning. With him, I feel like I have won the jackpot. My boyfriend sure deserves boyfriend of the year for keeping up with me. Most guys would give up within a month. I should keep reminding myself that I am with the right person, not the wrong one. That means the wall is torn and I’m letting my shields down. This girl is in love. Not high school version puppy love. But actually love.

life · lifestyle · love

How do I not?

I’ve been trying to stay stable, but my emotions can’t take it. I haven’t heard anything from the boyfriend so far. The first fight really sucks balls. Why does it have to happen? I just wish I can plunge a knife in my heart, so that I don’t feel anymore pain. How do you do this? It’s very hard to be on the other side, wondering. I haven’t been able to be myself the whole day. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It’s like I’m falling into a depression. No matter how strong I tried to be, feelings keep coming back. I’m not a horrible person. For someone I love so deeply, I couldn’t help but think of him. All I want is to be in his loving arms and stay there forever. I want to feel his kisses and hugs. Can’t this be done?

I don’t like to tell how am I when it comes to being asked if I cared after broken-up. My emotions are always kept to myself. Because it’s best if the person don’t know. The majority of the time, I do careless if it’s someone I never cared for. There is the one time where depression did show up once after a break-up. I haven’t felt it since two years ago. With my 2nd ex, I thought I’ll be okay after the disaster. But as time goes on, my depression starts showing. I couldn’t be myself for a while. I still was able to function throughout the day. But as far as emotions goes, it’s hard not to.

For someone who tries to be realistic, I am just as hopeless as anyone in a break-up. The difference is I cry silently rather than out loud. I feel alone when it comes to these situation. This whole thing feels similar to a boxing match. Except I’m not the one throwing the punches. I don’t know what to do. Should I wait for the answer? Or run for the heck out of it? I’m so conflicted.

love · relationship advice

The Worst Fight

I’m sitting in the dark on my laptop with my stuffed puppy, thinking and worrying. I just spend the last few hours, crying my tears off. My boyfriend and I had our worst fight ever. Usually when we fight, we leave it off for a day and come back. He never had to ask me for time to think about the next step. But this time, he asked.

I mention how my boyfriend has trust issues and insecurities. I made a vow to help him and be there as long as I can. Lately, he has his doubts about my feelings for him. Every time he mentions these thoughts, I didn’t want to sugarcoat, but I try my best to be as honest as I can be. But my honesty makes it seem too harsh and realistic. It’s too much to the point where he believes my lack of concern and caring is showing. When it comes to relationships, I believe in realism. Meaning, I look at things maturely and not be so naive. People assume I don’t care and takes it as a gesture to leave me.

It’s not the first time people decide to walk out of my life. Breakups are horrible, but I deal with things differently. I told my boyfriend that plenty of times. However, it seems he wanted a different answer. He want the loving and nurturing partner. I do tell him “I love you” as much as I can. It seems to him that it’s not enough. That really got him into thinking otherwise. I became angry of his doubts of the relationship. When I get angry, I tend to think of horrible thoughts that I don’t dare to say. Usually, I keep the horrible thoughts to myself and no one knows them. I made an awareness of my anger and warn my boyfriend to not poke the bear. But him being curious wanted to see my anger. He has seen me upset, but not this bad.

I begged him three times to not poke the bear. He poked the bear and insist that I tell or else he’ll see me less of a person. I had no choice, but to say what was on my mind. I never let my bad thoughts out to anyone. Because it is dangerous. Once it’s out, it’s out. Immediately, I felt regret and cried. My boyfriend became shocked and questioned if this thought was the real me and whether this is the reason we should end our relationship. I didn’t want to seem like a beggar. At the same time, I mixed in with reassurance. He didn’t want to believe me and I know how hurt he felt.

Cursing at him is the biggest turn off and one of the reasons for him to leave a relationship. In the beginning, I made sure I didn’t curse at him. There was one time, it slipped out, but he forgave me at the end. I’m not sure about this time. The fight got into more of a mess when I said more realistic points if I break up with him. I basically opened the door for him to leave if he wants to. I also mention how I waited my whole life for true love and I can do it again if I want to. That sentence made him automatically assume he’s not my true love. I tried explaining it’s not true and I was just being realistic.

I guess being realistic got me into a huge pile of trash and he asked for some days to think after my final plea. I didn’t want to say more, so I left the choice up to him. Because if I say more, he’ll turn against me and point out my realistic points as a way to prove I don’t love him. This whole fight really made me unhappy. My honesty seem to be getting me into trouble. When I get too honest, people automatically assume I don’t care when I have a different view.

I asked myself if my realism was the cause of the fight. I also worry what would happen to us. I don’t want things to end. My boyfriend is my true love. I want to see our relationship go into beyond years as long as it can. Even when I get angry, I still want him by my side. But because of this fight, I don’t know if he wants to be around me anymore. He told me he needed time to think about our relationship. I gave the choice to take the break if he wants. But I won’t say more because the relationship was already at tense.

Now a few hours later, I’m sitting alone in the dark, on my laptop. I can’t even sleep either, thinking of the worst thoughts. I don’t know what he’s doing. I would sit and pray that he won’t leave me. However,I feel there’s a 50% he’ll go with his guts and dump me before anyone gets hurt. I want to do the gesture for him on Facebook because it’s a lot faster. But I didn’t. I have to wait for his answer. Why is my honesty a curse? I can’t tell a lie yet telling the truth is even worse. Since when honesty becomes a  sin? Do I have to lie my way in the relationship too? That’s not what I want.

I fear his days would turn into a week. Then a month. Finally, forever. If he does make the choice of leaving, there’s nothing I can do to convince him otherwise. However, I do want to make a final plea. I did say breakups are horrible, but I deal with things differently. I feel this one will hurt me more than my 2nd ex. Loosing my boyfriend will be the worst. I don’t think I could find anyone that loves me unconditionally and respectfully. He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me this year. I love him more than my first love. He is sincerely my true love. I don’t think he’ll ever believe me since I made too many realistic pointers. Curse my realism ideas.

 

adulting · parenting

My Narcissistic Mother

Mothers are suppose to be loving and nurturing creatures. They protect their child from dangers and evils in society. However, not many grew up with these type of mothers because either they are gone too soon or never seem to exist. Through my blog, I’ve talked about my troubled relationship between my mother and I. She displays the narrow mindset of a typical Asian parent. My mother wanted me to be a perfect little robot. Go to a good school, work hard 24/7, and live up to the fullest. My 2nd cousins on her side of the family has already displayed the perfect life. They all went to big name Universities, majored in a long lasting money making degree, and did everything perfectly. Growing up, I’ve grown to resent my mother.

It’s hard to portray such hatred against one parent and it feels awful. But within good reasons, I think it’s appropriate. She’s not only a typical Asian immigrant parent, but also a materialistic. My father is the only working person in the family. I don’t get to speak with my father often about my mother due to his full time schedule. Silence is in the relationship. It’s always been that way for the past ten years. My mother would find ways to belittle me for as long as I can remember. If no belittling, she would lecture me to fulfill her dreams of seeing her daughter excelling to the max.

Let me say that doesn’t work well for me. For in my mindset, I rebel against her method of succeeding. I don’t believe in going to a brand name University and guarantee to go into a field of medical or law. It’s not what I want. My mother doesn’t use her ears and assumes she is always right. I’ve been called “stupid”, “pathetic”, and “lazy” most of my life. I understand tough love, but having her go to the extreme isn’t something I love to experience.

I always complain to my friends and 1st cousin (Paternal side) about how horrible my mother is. They all agree fairly that her mindset is too narrow and full of stupidity to develop a relationship with me. I remember all the bitterness I felt for her when I was a teenager. As a grown woman, sometimes I still feel that way, however, I decide to not argue with her as much. Because I realize nothing about her will change. I tried to be calm and attempted at reasoning with her. But none can be done. Our relationship was already damaged since Day 1.

There are little times where I just want to throw myself off the cliff and be gone. I hate this woman so much. It’s impossible. It’s why I never seek wisdom or advice as I get older. She wasn’t there when I was going through hard times. Even if she demands to know what’s up with my life, I never speak a word of it. She blames the troubles of our relationship, mostly on me. Her complaints and whiny lectures sinks in my brain to the point where I’m emotionally and mentally tired.

I have people trying to console me that my mother isn’t the person in charge of my life. I am in charge of my own. Whatever I do is for me, not her. Why bother caring what she says? It’s your life. I wish it was easy to ignore, but it’s hard. I pray when I have my own daughter,  I won’t treat her the same as my mother. But I can’t tell what the future holds in me. My parenting method will consists of Asian style but also mixed in with Western. I won’t try to mold my children into little robots, but I want them to succeed and never give up easily. I want to keep them grounded as best as I can. At the same time, I want my children to come to me as parent whenever they are in trouble. I don’t want them to ever feel they’re alone.

That’s my plan on raising my children. I hope to become the best mother I can be and not be a replica of my own mother. It’ll be a living nightmare if I do. Then again, I can’t see what’s in my future. I don’t think when my mother was my age, she felt this way with her mother before becoming one herself. I don’t believe she ever had thoughts of resenting her own mother. For she will do anything to please my grandmother. Sounds like a generation of hypocrites after hypocrites. I hope I don’t turn out like her.

adulting · identity · life

About Me

After ten years of personal youth growing, I found who I am as an individual. My personality consists of an emotional independency, open minded, and old soul heart. While I have found the person in me, there are many others who struggles of finding who they are. It takes years of work and improvement, but we’re all get there eventually. I’ve talked of my opinions on relationships and person growth on this blog. I’m sure most would agree with my mindset on how I deal with my life. Especially in the love department. My guy friends are the ones I should thank.

My friends are the reason of who I am today. If it weren’t for them, I’d probably still be that angry teenager. I’ve been re-reading the blogs I’ve posted about relationships. Including with discussing about my boyfriend’s trust issues and insecurity. I have a huge heart. Whoever is important to me, they are the priority. Even when I’m busy, I’ll do my best to be there for them whenever I can. I never put a guy as my priority. My old mindset used to believe that family and friends are more important than a guy. To me, relationships come and go. But friends and family are forever.

I can never replace them. However, since my boyfriend came in the picture, I finally found a place for him as a priority. I make sure that I have time for everyone. It’s quite the balance. I want to believe that I am a good person for both family/friends and boyfriend. If I’m not with the boyfriend, I’m mostly with friends or family. If I’m with my boyfriend, I try my best to give my full undivided attention without having a phone in my hand. I think it’s been going well since then. My boyfriend used to dislike my emotional independency because he sees it as a cruel way to avoid him. It isn’t. I just give too much space. Now I learn to text him once in a day to let him know I miss him and that I love him. I’m slowly learning.

I wouldn’t say I’m perfect, but I’m good enough to be a girlfriend. Intimacy wasn’t something I would touch before. Mainly because I couldn’t see myself in a long term with previous guys in my past. Plus no chemistry was involved. I thought I was being very picky, but the boyfriend proved me wrong. I was really waiting for the right one to come along. Totally worth every second. I guess I changed a little bit for the better in a romantic relationship. My old self wouldn’t do all the above. But I did all the above for the right one. I think I have accomplished my goal. Now, I have to prepare for the long run. Am I ready? As I said in my previous blogs, yes I am.

college · school

GPA doesn’t mean anything

I was going to the bathroom to do my business when my mom stopped me. She then showed me a video of a young Chinese girl from Harvard singing. Everyone (in my culture) commented how smart and beautiful she is. To me, it doesn’t seem real. Because the video was too loud and the voice isn’t hers. Genuinely, when people film themselves singing, the music wouldn’t be too loud and they’re not lip syncing. But I’m not focusing on that. I think my mom is trying to get me to be all impressed because she’s from Harvard and talented.

Please. I’ve watched videos of America’s Got Talent and those people are 10x talented than the Harvard Chinese girl. Plus, her education isn’t worth bragging about. Sure, it’s great that she got there through on her own terms. But nothing worth bragging about. Just because their GPA excelled through academic success doesn’t mean they’re smart in life. GPA doesn’t tell anyone’s future. I know people who don’t excel in school, but they turn out to be the most intelligent people I ever met. The ones that do excel in school sucks at life. I’m not saying it goes for everyone. But sometimes it’s true.

Asian parents in general love to brag about their kids. Whenever an honor roll or announcement of going to Harvard comes home, they’ll do anything to win the battle of bragging. It’s how it is in my family. I heard multiple stories of my 2nd cousins’ success on my maternal side. I careless about their academic success. Success is not about competition, but a journey. I rather brag about my best friend’s improvement from high school to college. I can name the people that graduated from community college and are transferring to a good University. One of my best guy friends didn’t receive a college degree, but he’s now a promising writer who’s book will be published. Those are the stories I want to hear.

I don’t want Harvard or Top Surgeon of the country story. It’s never appealing. I remember a couple years ago, I was waiting for my bus ride. There’s these two grandmothers, speaking in Cantonese. I understand and speak on some levels. When they saw me, they try speaking in slow English. I looked at them all weird and told them I speak Cantonese. They went into complete shocked and were amazed that I spoke the language since the next generation doesn’t. After telling them my age and education career, one of them spoke of her grandson in UCLA, majoring in -insert fancy degree-. I don’t know what she was doing, but it seems to be she’s using her grandson as a brag to get me impressed.

Unfortunately, I don’t buy it. Grades and GPA are not part of getting to know people package. When it comes to dating scene, Asians tend to look for status and money. It’s an important key for approval. If you have both, you are welcome no matter if you’re an ass or not. I’ve met guys that my mom will definitely approve, however, I have no chemistry with these people. Between grades and money, I got bored talking to them. Sure, I want to know what your future plans are. But never brag your success in front of me. I’m not in a relationship for status. That’s one of the reasons why I have so much difficulty in dating. There’s hardly anyone I want to connect on a genuine feeling. Luckily, I finally found someone who isn’t all about money and grades. I rather have that connection than finding out what’s the status.

politics · shootings · terrorism

How Many More?

After the Manchester and London Bridge incident, there’s even more shootings. My phone showed up a notification of an Orlando shooting by an ex-employee. How many more do we need? The United States has been always talking “Gun Control” left and right. Politicians and the left wanted to put background checks for each individual who purchases a gun. Meanwhile, gun owners from all over the country wanted to keep their 2nd amendment and believed guns shouldn’t be taken away because it’s protection. In my opinion, Gun Control is an overrated topic. But it’s something the country has been talking for centuries.

Shootings isn’t something new. They existed since 1891. It’s just becoming more viral since we have technology and media. No one is doing anything about the guns because there’s nothing we can do. Other countries like Australia had one shooting and the government ban guns. Since then, no other shootings occurred. I don’t think we can compare more. The reason why the 2nd Amendment existed is because in case if the Government gets out of control, we can protect ourselves. I don’t think our ancestors ,who created the Amendment, were thinking of the guns as protection from everyday shooting.

It’s sad these shootings occur and many innocence die because of the terrorism. We don’t know when or where it will happen. It could happen anytime, anywhere. Some suggested that we all should be armed 24/7 so in case if the shooter comes, we are fully prepared. Like if that will help! It’s going to create more war! I can picture real life action Call of Duty right now. We are never prepared for these types of situation. At schools, we have these useless practice lockdown drills to stay tight in one place in case if a shooter is on the loose.

I was in a lockdown myself back in 2010. But the situation wasn’t severe. The gunman was actually a student seeking for revenge for injuring his friend. No one was injured or dead. There are a couple times in college where some psycho would run across campus with a gun, trying to run away from polices. But overall, we are not prepared for any of this. How many more are going to die because of a psycho? It’s quite saddening and scary. My traveling dream is to go to the UK, mainly London to explore such beauty. But now attacks are happening in all parts of the world. I think the safest is to be locked up in our homes and never come out.