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I Hate My Mother

If you seen my blog, “My Narcissistic Mother“, you’d get the hint that I have a terrible relationship with her. I’ve spoken about my mother plenty of times on this blog. It’s not a surprise that I display such strong feelings. She may have raised me, but most of the time, she is not a good mother. In my eyes, my mother is way too judgmental and close minded. Anything I say or do is an imperfection to her. Most Asian immigrant parents have this mentality where their kids are suppose to be a certain way. Like I said, I’ve spoken about it once or twice.

You might be thinking, “Well why can’t you move out?”. I wish I could, but I can’t. I’m too broke to even move out. For the past ten years, I tried my best to hide my emotional stress away from her. I used writing as a way to escape from reality. Sometimes, venting to my best friend is also a help. But overall, I’m still an unhappy child. I will never be happy unless either I have the money to move out or she dies. I won’t even be sad if she does. Because having my mother around is very depressing.

Sometimes, she tries to display an open mind, but it’ll only last for a few seconds before she can start complaining about me. Many people around me feel bad that I have that kind of mother who loves yelling at me. Every time she yells at me, she would pick on the unsuccessful things in my life. Being stuck at a community college with no license and job. These were suppose to be the things I should’ve achieved earlier. Meanwhile, I have to also develop cooking and cleaning skills. It’s pretty much set as an example of being firmly independent.

When I get older and have my own children, I would never display that kind of judgmental and close minded behavior. I would also never downgrade my children if they make a minor mistake. But I also want to guide them to the right path. I don’t want to be too much of a friend. All of my mother’s negative parenting really inspired me to not become like my mother. It’ll be the biggest mistake if I ever adapted to her parenting style. So for those post that says “If I ever become half of a woman that my mother is, that will be great”. Well, fuck you. Some of us don’t have a wonderful role model of a mother.

I’m lucky mine doesn’t do drugs or alcohol to beat my ass up everyday. Oh wait. She doesn’t need drugs or alcohol. She’s Asian. All she need is build-up anger and a bamboo stick. Let all that anger out on your innocent child. That’ll show what a horrible parent she is. Too bad she can’t beat me anymore. Because I’m 24 years old and getting beat by a 50 year old woman is very awkward.

 

adulting

Old and New Friends

I discovered true friends back in 9th grade. Together, I manage to build a small group of friends that I can count on. My former friends had been long gone as I can remember. They’re not as toxic as you think. But pretty dramatic. I can understand teenage phase, but living up to the drama is unnecessary. I was friends with these group of people, coming from the same middle school, Richard Garvey Intermediate. They weren’t close to me, but I was acquainted with them.

During 9th grade, I had a puppy crush on an ex- preschool classmate of mine. He’s mentioned once in my blog before. Chad was very popular in high school. Girls swarm around him for some very odd reason. He had a crush on every girl except me. Because I was way too ugly for him to see me that way. I mean, look at 9th grade me.

224198_22818845072_5357_n (Total dork!)

My boyfriend thought I look cute in the 9th grade. He said he would totally go for me. Anyway, 9th grade drama happened between me and Chad. I don’t know why then and now. My ex-Garvey friends were getting invested into the drama. Meanwhile, I had slight friendship problems with one girl. Because I don’t vent to her, she feels left out. I can honestly say that is pretty immature. Not everyone is meant to be my best friend. Being told by my secrets is very confidential. I feel no trust between me and her. As a result, she got two girls ganged up on me via Instant message. I was told to disconnect with them, which results into having to be solo.

I lost friends and went into meeting new friends. Those friends lasted 10 years with me. Today, I realize if it weren’t for losing old ones, I wouldn’t have met my best friends. I guess everything plays out well. If people are meant to be in your life, they will stay. If they’re not, either they’re bad friends or just acquaintances.

love

Guess We’re Alright

As usual, the boyfriend and I are fine. He reached out to me yesterday which was good. I thought I lost him forever. We didn’t do much of a discussion on how I feel on personal fights in the relationship. I don’t blame him for being angry with me. But next time, we should be a little more smarter. Then again, being in critical mode doesn’t help. At the same time, I do feel he is much more mature than my exes. The last time a guy lashed out at me was 2012. My anxiety pushed him off the edge and Douche Face screamed at me. What’s worse is he was completely ignorant towards my feelings.

Thinking back to it, I can’t blame myself for having anxiety. The guy is terrible. There’s no trust in the relationship. For someone to only be attracted to me because I was a virgin is messed up. Anyway, at least that’s over. I’m happy to be in a relationship with my boyfriend. Everyday is new day for me and him.

 

love

Be right or Be Married?

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I was watching a relationship advice on Youtube. The person in the video I recognized her from TedTalks. I love TedTalks. Many speakers in the video give out really excellent advice. It’s crystal clear and straight to the point. You’re probably wondering what the heck does that quote mean? Well, I’ll explain it in a second. But just a quick story. It’s kinda sad. My boyfriend and I fought this morning. We were fighting between Thursday night and Friday morning. But we smashed it and went back to normal. I didn’t know the same thing would be dragged out again today.

This is the second time he proposed a space limit, similar to our first bad fight. But with added more suspense. I was given another door to open if I chose the break-up path on my own during his break. This time, he won’t chase after me and we’ll never see each other ever again.

My heart is literally beating inside of me, filled with anxiety. I already had family emergencies going on. I don’t need my relationship to be added to the mix. It’s already been 5 hours since his last text. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel he is giving me the freedom to walk away to see my reaction. He’ll probably use that against me if we do break up. At the same time, waiting is difficult. Because unlike previous fights, he’s the angered one, not me. After tolerating my so called “quitter” attitude, he officially unleashed his real anger with cursing. Luckily, it wasn’t in person. It was on text. But it still stunned me, but at the same time, I’m relieved he was brave enough to tell the truth. I always wanted him to tell me. He was afraid to in the beginning.

I guess this must have pushed him to the point where he can’t take it anymore. The whole argument was mostly based on sex and me avoiding the conversation. I already knew it’s going to be the same. But I never knew this would be the outcome. I spend the whole morning thinking to myself to see if I could figure out what to do. It wasn’t until I looked up on Youtube and found the most appropriate advice ever. Like I stated in the beginning, the speaker from TedTalks posted a video on advice of fighting in a relationship. Unlike most general advice, the quote, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”, got me struck and amazed.

I honestly believe we’re both not smart in the fighting. Too much bickering and pointing fingers. It’s normal for couples to go through that. However, I fear the worst might happen. We haven’t really learned from our old fights. I mean, there was tensions before. But it wasn’t that bad. We both usually hear each other out and squash it as quick as we can. Throughout our relationship, we both focus on our feelings rather than logic when it comes to fights. I’m usually the one who caves in and apologize for my behavior. Then I would try to improve myself. Deep down in my heart, walking away and breaking up is the least thing I want to do. I don’t see myself not being in a relationship with him. My boyfriend is the best partner I ever asked for. Despite the complications, I try my best to ignore his flaws and accept him 100% as a human being.

It’s why that quote is perfect. The real question is “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” Well, not literally married. “Married” as in wise. In other words, do you want to be wise or right? I prefer to be married. I have my fair shares of pointing fingers, too. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no angel. But in the end, I take a break and figure out the real deal. Focus on logic rather than feelings. I don’t want to claim that I’m right all the time in fights. Even if I am, I try my best not to claim the statement.

Relationships are hard. I wonder how people in long term did it. I always thought being in a long term relationship is easy if you’re with the right person. But it’s a wrong factor. Even with the right person, it’s not easy. Fights are bound to happen whether you like it or not. I just hope we don’t get toxic in the future. It’s okay to be pissed and let some steam, but never get toxic. I hope things will be a lighter option.

life

Till Near Death

I haven’t spoken about my maternal grandfather’s condition since June. In the beginning, it was a big chunk of messy back and forth between the decision. I think about last week, we finally came to a decision. We decide on DNR with comfort measures. At this point, my grandfather is showing physical signs close to death. He has difficulty breathing, urine is in tea color, and feet/hands swelling up. My uncle (Mom’s brother) felt emotional pain and regret inside of him. Even though he knows the consequence, he still want to push further measures for my grandfather. I do understand it’s hard to lose a parent. No matter what age they’re in. But to act upon this now, it’s too late. My uncle hasn’t been the greatest son of all.

The reason why my grandfather is in this position is because of the poor condition he has been given. Prior to hospital, both of my maternal grandparents were happy and healthy. But because of the living condition between them and my aunt’s parents, both suffered emotional and physical. As soon as he’s close to dying, that is when my uncle suddenly have a heart of change and would do anything to keep him alive. I fully understand his pain and emotions. But no plead to keep him alive is going to help. My grandfather is close to dying. Why didn’t you do the nice things earlier?

Blaming doctors and hospitals as wrongful death has nothing to do with the situation. You’re just beating yourself up because he’s going to die. No chance of survival. The only thing you can do now is spend as much time with him as best you can. When the time comes, we’ll all stick together and pray that grandfather goes to sleep in peace. Doctors already said this millions of times. My uncle couldn’t let it sink in. I guess I don’t blame him for needing more time. He’s not like the rest of us who already know what’s going to happen and are preparing for the worst. This has been a rough summer for me, too. I hope to cope easy with this situation and be ready for the worst.

life · love

Domestic Abuse

In society, when a male abuses a female, people are quick to react and defend for the female. But when it’s reversed, society sees it as a pathetic situation. Male victims are unlikely to get the help they need. I honestly would help both victims. It doesn’t matter what gender you are. If you are a victim of any abuse, I’d definitely would help you.

This blog is inspired by a recent situation happening in my boyfriend’s family. I’m the only one with the enclosed information. Last night, my boyfriend came over as a safety getaway to hide from his stepmom. His stepmom aka Dad’s girlfriend was acting up again. We all heard stories of evil stepmothers in fairy tales and real life. Step-parents are quick to be labelled as evil figures in a child’s life. In my opinion, it depends on how lucky you are to find someone who will treat your child as their own.

My boyfriend’s Dad isn’t what you call lucky. Both of them have been living together with the woman for a year. It wasn’t a pleasant surprise that she has personal issues with my boyfriend. In the beginning, they were all getting along just fine. Until true colors start appearing more, things got out of hand. I personally had met my boyfriend’s dad. He is a very gentle person. Although I only spoken to him on quick basis, I got a feeling he’s a good man. In no way do I see his Father as anything otherwise.

His stepmom, however, is quite another story. Last night, my boyfriend texted me that his stepmom was acting up. She threatened with violence and victim playing against the father. We don’t know why she was acting up. It was probably due to her getting caught by boyfriend from ruining a father’s day gift. I think it’s a typical case of evil stepmother syndrome. To be honest, she hates my boyfriend. Because he’s not her biological child, she sees him as a threat in the family. The woman would belittle and create lies just to badger my boyfriend.

She would “claim” how emotionally unstable and an abusive he is towards women and children. I say those are false claims. Because I’ve been in a relationship with him for 8 months and in no way did he ever display those behaviors. I understand 8 months is too early to detect, but it’s enough for me to know my boyfriend isn’t what the stepmom claims. If he were to display those behaviors, he would’ve shown early and I wouldn’t be with him.

The Dad knows she is out of hand, but only hangs onto the relationship just for sakes of the lease. It won’t expire until  4 months in. Honestly, she hasn’t been the greatest person in the house. My boyfriend’s Dad pays for everything in the house. For her, she’s been living there rent free. The only time she paid for the house was the down payment. It’s still not enough. This is a pretty obvious move to get my boyfriend out. I think she’s doing all of this just to kick my boyfriend out and have the Dad to herself.

Unfortunately, his dad sees bullshit and doesn’t love her anymore. So how are they going to keep up with domestic abuse in the house for the next 4 months? I don’t know. This happened more than once but less than five. I urge my boyfriend to stay safe in case if something happens. I hate to predict the worst case scenario, but it’s unpredictable. Please share this as awareness to Domestic Abuse. It goes both ways. No one should be treated any different. Men are victims too.

adulting

Best Friend vs Significant Other

We all heard the phrase, “Bros before hoes” before. I’ve always had that mentality in every relationship I had. Most of the guys I dated aren’t approval and I believe that. A boyfriend is less important to me. But since I began my first serious relationship, my mentality of “Bros before hoes” started changing.

My current boyfriend and I talked about my best friend, Gloria. She and I grew up with each other since 9th grade. We’ve been inseparable ever since. She has her own flaws, but she was the reason why I am the strong person I am. She taught me a value lesson of true friendship. Relationship values are from my guy friends. The first time that both were in the same room was a few weeks back when her and I were invited to hang out with a mutual friend of ours. I told my boyfriend about the hangout and he had an interest of wanting to come along.

I decide, at last minute, to invite the boyfriend over to get to know my friends. We didn’t make my friends feel any discomfort or anything. It was rather of a smooth yet awkward hangout. But nonetheless, it was a successful meet-up. Gloria is what I describe as a loud and mean person. Most of the time, she says things that aren’t really hurtful but it sounds mean. In easy English, she has a hard time expressing herself. Today, my boyfriend brought up the fact she was a bit ignorant. This had to do with their Spanish speaking. Both grew up, speaking Spanish, however, my boyfriend is 100% Hispanic. He is a native speaker. Gloria, on the other hand, picked up Spanish from the community she was in. But she lost her “Spanish” part throughout the years. By the way, she’s Asian.

For me, I am familiar with the language since I took the class for 4 years. I don’t speak it, but I can read it. Anyway, my boyfriend quoted “Como Estas?”. I know it means “How are you?”. Because it’s obvious to people who has taken Spanish or Native Speakers. However, for Gloria, she kinda mistook “Como Estas” as incorrect and yelled at my boyfriend that he is wrong. She then claimed her Spanish is better than his. That was an awkward turn for us. Because I studied Spanish for 4 years. Plus my boyfriend is hispanic. He grew up, speaking Spanish all of his life. He even lived in Mexico for a year.  I’m sure “Como Estas” means “How are you?”, not thank you. The correct phase for thank you is “Gracias”.

I was going to correct her and so did my boyfriend. But I cut out short. I know Gloria pretty well for ten years. She has her flaw moments. I wouldn’t say she’s perfect, but I can see sometimes she can be a smart ass. I’m glad my boyfriend didn’t hold anything against her because it’s not worth it. But it was that moment when I realize sometimes your closest friends aren’t always right.

As far as choosing sides, I now realize the phase “Bros before hoes” is quite exaggerating. In case if my boyfriend is not in the wrong, I will defend him no matter what. It doesn’t really matter how much history I have with my friends. Sometimes your friends can be in the wrong, too.