life · love

Promises and Many more

For the past couple days, it was rather angry/confusing stuff going on in my relationship. Arguing on text is really bad. Because there’s no emotions behind the screen, plus you can’t tell. It kinda all started with a bad Sunday night. My boyfriend got drunk and begged me to go over to his house. I wasn’t willing to because he lives 17 miles from me. The following day is school. He kept on urging me to, so I gave in. I didn’t know alcohol was in his breath until I kissed him. It was weird at first and the night progressed into a bit of anger. I went back home around 1:30 AM, sleepy and tired. I only had 5 hours of sleep. So being super grumpy the next day wasn’t good.

I was very moody. Coffee doesn’t help me because I get nausea if I drink it in the morning. On top of that, I suddenly remember his drunken talk of engagement. I was shocked to hear it, yet I was confused. We had talks of marriage earlier in our relationship but it’s more of a rather later process. I tried to get a clear view on what’s his perspective is. The talk was rather more confusing and anger than crystal clear. Believe me. Marriage is definitely in my future, however, I see as later than now. He agrees with the statement. We’re not engaged. But I was still edgy for some odd reason. I wanted something more than just not being engaged.

My boyfriend loves to speak about how he wants us together for the rest of our lives. I’m the type to never speak about it. I don’t need to be constantly reminded. It’s okay to know that we’re in each other’s future. But I don’t want to be constantly reminded. It’s very annoying. I couldn’t tell him how annoying it is to his face. So what better way to be reminded without him constantly bringing it up is a promise ring. Yes. I got a promise ring from my boyfriend. I suggested the idea in order to use it as a symbol of eternal love.

Since he always express his love for me, I figure a promise ring is a good way to go. I used to believe promise rings aren’t something I would want in a relationship. Because it’s not much of a deal to have. But I have to get one for this relationship. With the boyfriend’s constant eternal love talk, a promise ring should be the symbol of our relationship. We promise to be together forever. That means the love we have for each other is forever implanted in our hearts. The ring is a symbol to our relationship. I picked out a really simple ring. It’s a small silver band ring. I don’t want a flashy ring. He doesn’t have one. Although it’s not a surprise, it’s still very meaningful to me. So yeah. I got a promise ring. I hope we’ll be together forever. It’s the whole point of the relationship.



The Cat’s Out of the Bag — Sorta

The last time I spilled my secret to my neighbor was a while ago. The bad news is she still mentions the “mystery figure” to my mother. However, the good news is my secret is completely safe. That is until she told my mother’s sister aka my aunt. I forgot the neighbor and my aunt are close friends. The reason why my neighbor moved into the house is because of my aunt. Anyway, she deliberately told my aunt the whole thing yet she tells her not to tell my mother as I told her. Last night, my aunt came over with family in celebration of my mother’s 51st birthday.

She sat in my room while the rest of the family were in the living room and kitchen. My aunt suddenly asked me in a whispering tone, “So does your boyfriend come over?” My heart literally skipped a beat. I thought “Oh shit. I’m in huge trouble“. For sure, I had to come up with something quick. I immediately said “No”. But my aunt read my body language and knows that I’m scared. She then reassured that my secret is safe and understands that whatever I’m doing is completely normal. It took about 5 minutes to get me to calm down. I was then told that her friend told her everything. My aunt didn’t yell at me. She never does in my life. Ever since I was a little girl, she always favor and protect me. Even when my own mother thinks I’m rebellious.

I forgot about that side because for the last 10 years, my aunt never seem to favor me in any situation. But she’s completely on my side for this. My aunt understood that I’m an adult and whatever I was doing is normal. My aunt has dating experience with my uncle. So she has an idea of dating is like. I also forgot my aunt is younger than my mom by 7 years. She is more flexible than my mother. I had a nice conversation with my aunt about my relationship.

Everything was in a whispering/soft tone so that no one can hear us from my room. I’m glad I have an understanding relative. It seems to me that no one in my family is against my relationship except my mother. Everyone else don’t really express their opinions. My aunt, however, had express her opinions and frequently calls out her own sister for being too old fashioned. She always has my back because she sees it in a young mind’s perspective. After all, she was young once. My aunt then tell me that her friend is a good person. She also won’t rat out to my mother. Before marriage and kids, she also had dated. It’s even more better that my neighbor is able to communicate with my boyfriend. Apparently she can speak and understand English. So the next time my boyfriend visits, he can identify who he is before scaring the neighbors.



Age Gap in Dating

People date in small and large age gaps. I personally try my best to fall under the non-pedophile/dad age gap. Everyone keeps saying that age is just a number. However, age is a limit. I certainly don’t want a 14 year old out with a 21 year old. Nor do I approve dating someone the same age as your parent. Because it’s weirdly inappropriate. To others, it is fine because both are at legal age. Well, it’s not going to change my views but it’s people’s relationship. None of my business. I used to have a policy to try to date someone around my age. Not too young and not too old.

My old age dating policy used to be guys’ age no more or less 3 years older/younger than me. Until I met my boyfriend, I fell for his personality and decide to accept him in my life.  Our age gap is 3 years. Of course, I’m the older one as I had mention multiple times in my blog. It’s not bad. We are both legal and the age gap isn’t huge. My mom’s side and her friends think otherwise. My parents’ generation are born in the 50’s and 60’s. Back then, the man brings home the bacon while the woman cleans and cares for the household. They feel an older man is more mature and stable. I personally disagree with their statement. Just because you’re older, doesn’t mean you are mature. I had dated/talked to older guys. From my personal experience, my past consist of immaturity of all ages.

Sure, they have the money and independence. I can’t connect with them well. Chemistry and emotional bond is very important in a relationship. My past always focus more on their money than personal bonding. Therefore, those relationships failed to the extent. I do have guy friends that are older and wise. My problem is I see them as a friend. No more than anything. So that leads to dating my boyfriend. I have a feeling my mom will forever have a problem with me dating a younger guy. At this point, I can’t even convince her that my boyfriend is a stable person. If he was a bad boyfriend, I wouldn’t last a year with him. Let alone three months.

Ninety nine percent of female family members had married someone who’s older than them. Only one female member’s marriage to someone is younger than her. That marriage has been dead for 20 years. That marriage lead to my mother’s logic of dating someone younger than you. I see it as nothing. What is the difference between dating someone older and younger than you? We live in a millennial generation. Now it’s the opposite. It’s more of the females taking care of everything. People date people younger or older than them no matter which sex.

At this rate, I’m continuing my relationship regardless if my mother persuades me to find someone else. I hope to god my boyfriend and I show her that our relationship is strong enough to stay. I’m not bothered by our age differences. We both had discuss each other’s future. It is in positivity that we do want each other in the our future. In order to keep that vow, we have to stick together. If anything happens, I accept the consequences.


Don’t Threaten to Break up

Good Morning, everyone. Happy Veterans Day to those who served in our army. Whether it’s in the past or present, thank you for protecting our country. This day really belongs to you.

Anyway, last night was a bit dramatic. My boyfriend and I had another fight. This time, it was about his sickness of the same routines in our relationship. I’m not sure if it’s bad about having a routine in a relationship. I have routines with my friends. They don’t seem to be complaining. I guess I’m a bit of a boring person to notice it. I don’t know if having a routine in a relationship is bad. But I seem to notice that every time we have a fight, he always pulls the break-up card.

He did inform me that he’s a very dramatic person. So every time he pulls the break up card, he doesn’t mean it. I’m not sure if that’s a healthy thing to do. It’s kinda bad. I know I’m not perfect in the relationship. I have my drama as well. But I would never pull the break-up card. If I get too angry, I usually tell my boyfriend that I need my space to think. I prefer to be alone for a while. To him, it’s a sign of “Oh leave me if you’re willing to”. Ok, maybe I have left secretly tried to leave him in the earlier parts of our relationship. twice. See, we’re not perfect. But the point is it hurts emotionally. I have to constantly beg him not to go. After 10 minutes of clinging on, he finally caves into what’s really been bothering him.

I looked up on the internet for relationship advice. Apparently more than half of the ordinary people says it’s emotional abuse; I should leave. I’ve checked psychology websites regarding the issue. Professionals agree that’s it’s not healthy, however, there is a way to handle the situation if the person doesn’t mean it. I’ve pretty much did what any professional would tell people to do. I begged and listened. We talked it out. Then we’re fine. This happens more than once in our relationship. Yesterday, I was on verge to call in his bluff. But I didn’t do it. Bluffing won’t make the situation any better. I didn’t let him go. They say a real man will go if you let him. I think. I saw it somewhere on the internet.

I’m not really sure if this is a good or bad thing in our relationship. Is it okay to pull a break up card even though you don’t mean it? Most would say no because it hurts emotionally. But when it does happen, never call in the bluff and be calm. Listen to your partner and figure out the situation.



Be a Hustler

I’m sure most people understand what’s like to be hustling and working on a deadline. Whether it’s a job or school paper, we all have deadlines in our lives. From paying bills to submit papers for a class, we all need to be organize to be less stress. Not everyone can organize their stuff together, but in the end, they’ll manage to submit in before last minute of the deadline. This past month has been crazy busy for me. I’m not even kidding. I just finished the rest of my University transfer applications at 6 AM. I literally felt that I have a burden on my shoulders. I woke up at 5 AM, just to submit in my transcripts. It was a long process, but I finished and submitted my applications. I also had a 6 page Mythology essay due on the day before Thanksgiving. Feeling the need to finish before the deadline, I spend 4 hours in the morning typing up my essay.

It felt really good knowing that I finished. Now I just need to worry about my research papers for my World Literature and Art History courses. Being an English major, I’ve done a few research papers in my life. It’s not easy, but if I prepare for my points and ideas, then the paper will come through. My friends, that are non- English majors, also did research papers in their lives. Either of them complain or procrastinate till the last minute. My boyfriend, barely taking English 101, don’t understand the term of hustling. I love him dearly. He is a good student. However, after finishing my 6 page essay under 4 hours, it made me click how embarrassing it is for my boyfriend to wait until the very last minute.

He had complained to me how much he hates his procrastinating side and want to cut his habit. Unfortunately, it doesn’t comprehend that he still does his papers at last minute. If he does this at a major company, I’m sure his ass will be out the door in one second. You always should treat your deadlines as if you’re working at a major company. If your boss wants you to work on a 25 page paper and it’s due within 48 hours, you would get right on it. There’s no ifs or buts in reality. You need to hustle. I just had been a nice girlfriend, not nagging at him to do his homework. I should put on my strict mother mode and lecture him on procrastination.


I’m at a dead end

So a couple blogs ago, I mention about the tenant being nosy and accusing my boyfriend as a strange figure walking to onto my yard late at night. Well, yesterday around 10:50 pm, my tenants caught him again. Only this time, I walked out and told my neighbors the truth. I begged them not to mention my secret to my mother, otherwise my relationship with my boyfriend will be finished. They seem understanding, however, they had to report the situation to my mother because they made a call to her phone. Now my mother is very scared and assuming some robber is on our property. My secret is safe yet more complications.

She wanted to call the cops about the situation. I tried to swing the whole cop thing off the list by telling her you need actual proof that someone walked onto our property late at night. I somehow suggested a security camera to be installed. In the end, my mother decides to agree with the security camera. Now my ass is total fucked. I feel like my grave is being dug. This whole sneaking your boyfriend in is starting to become more risky. We’ve been doing this for almost a year and somehow my well-meaning tenant decide to become a security alarm.

If I ask my boyfriend to stop our intimacy, it’s going to be bad. Intimacy is what kept going in our relationship. There are other factors that made our relationship strong. But intimacy is very important to us. Without it, it’s nothing. I could turn on and off the cameras if my parents do decide to install them. But constantly turning them on and off will be a hassle. Oh my Jesus. I wish my tenants didn’t mention anything. They could have made up another lie by telling my mother it’s a butt dial. Every time my boyfriend and I do this, it’s another risk of our secret being blown. There’s a small possibility that we will get caught. Because there are a few times where we almost got caught. However, I’m trying to find a way for us to not get into anymore deep trouble. God, I wish he and I live together so that this isn’t a hassle.

life · love

High School/College Sweethearts

In life, sometimes we might stumble across the one person we’re meant to be with. We get in a relationship. Go through stages and phases. Graduate together and start careers. You name it. Those couples rarely exists. Like 0.01%. If that person happen to come across their true love in high school and continue, then they’re lucky. No needs of finding another person, experience heartaches, and going through trial and error. They’re all set for life. I know a couple from my high school that has been together since 2007. They both graduated high school and went to college. They both got a head start of their career as entrepreneurs. Surprisingly, they made it together and settled down as husband/wife.

The others didn’t make it. Maybe because things change and life goes on. Sometimes you think you found someone in high school or college. You plan this whole future with them, hoping to stay with them forever. But when the clock stops, both of you want different things. In the end, you both break up and walk different paths. It happens mostly with high school sweethearts. I’m not sure about college sweethearts. Maybe it’s the same thing. Who knows. I never had a relationship in either high school or early college years. I spent too much time being alone and wondering if relationships are meant for me.

I had a mentality of finding a boyfriend isn’t important in life. What matters is career and discovering who I am as an individual. In high school, my parents weren’t those liberal parents that allowed their kids to date. I had the “no boyfriend” rule. So I got used to being alone. When I enter in my early 20s, by age 21, I began to desire to wanting a relationship. Thankfully, I changed my mind about wanting a relationship. Now that I am in one, I keep wondering if my relationship will last forever. I wanted to. It’s nice to imagine a future with my boyfriend. We plan to be together through college. Then career stage. Possibly marriage and kids in the end. There’s a lot we both want in our relationship. I think it’s cool. I want to be positive about our relationship and not predict the unfortunate. I definitely hope we’d make it through and be in each other’s arms in the end. I don’t want to end up not wanting different things and throwing my relationship away. If it happens, then I guess I’ll deal with it. If it doesn’t, then I’m going to lucky to have my college boyfriend.