2020, what happened?

Hello!

I seem to have really neglected this blog. Wow. I suck at keeping a blog. Anyway, I’m sure 2020 sucked for everyone. The beginning of the year started off with Kobe Bryant’s death. It completely changed, not just the basketball culture, but the whole world. A lot of people look up to him as an icon. There’s a little personal sucky thing for me, too. I fell into pregnancy again and gave birth to my 2nd son, Christopher on February 10. 5 days after I turned 27. With a newborn and my oldest as a new toddler, I didn’t know how to handle two little babies. Postpartum depression crept up on me and my little family was separated for half a year. What I mean by that? Let’s just say police and DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) were called. It caused a lot of misconceptions and stories were thrown around. I managed to get the real story straight and they debunked the whole child abuse allegations.

But while I was working to get my children back, I discover therapy and it has been wonderful. I’m no longer an angry person. My therapist is like a friend who’s willing to listen. I also have been diagnosed of adjustment disorder. Google it if you want to know more details. It has nothing to do with postpartum depression or any general mental health issue. I also got closer to my biological family as I went back home to work on myself by court orders. Now I’m back home with my own family. Everything is fine. One of the best highlight for 2020. The whole world struggled with pandemic, fire, and earthquake. It is a lot. The other highlight is the Los Angeles Lakers receiving the 2020 NBA Finals champ. LA really needed that.

Well, that’s the update. Again, I really think this blog will have to be updated from time to time. But now, I have two children to focus on. I hope everyone is healthy and safe. Wish everyone the best!

I’m still alive

OMG.

I seem to neglect this blog a lot. So sorry. I’ve been going to University and juggling family life. My son is currently in care of my mother while I attend classes. But however, things didn’t go well when she fell sick recently. Growing up, I watch my mother have weak immune system. It wasn’t her fault because she grew up with no nutrients in her village. Luckily, my father in law have a long time friend who can help us. Thank God. She’s an Angel. I have to repay her somehow. Anyway, my last blog was about me getting cheated on. I gotten over it. No, I didn’t dump my husband. I would explain everything but I don’t want to jog down everything. The point is I’m emotionally stable and well being. That is all. Until then, I’ll return in a bit.

cheated on again

I don’t know how to get on without crying. About a couple days ago, my husband left his Facebook open on my laptop. What happen was he linked his account to a job site. He didn’t log out of Facebook. When I logged onto Facebook, I intentionally want to go back to mine. But little to know, it was my husband’s Facebook. A normal sane person would immediately log out. I wasn’t that sane person. A little message button was showing. He had a new message from a female companion. She’s from Mexico. I honestly have no problems with him talking to another female. I have male companions. We’re all homies. But when I clicked and scroll through the messages, something was off. I saw lots of hearts and a kiss emoji. At first, I thought I was insane. I was hoping it’s a mistake. But It wasn’t. I couldn’t translate everything they’re saying. So I used a translate site (Not Google).

To my surprise, he and this female companion were sharing emotional love messages. My heart sank. It can’t be right. I clicked on three more messages. Oh my god. It’s true. He’s seeing another woman. He tried to play it off as “she’s nothing and just a friend”. But those messages doesn’t seem just friends. It’s so emotional. None of my in laws have any idea what’s going on. I kept the crying and drama to myself. I haven’t been cheated on since 5 years ago. My husband blames his cheating on me lacking emotional love. Ok, I get it. But that doesn’t justify anything. He’s still an ass for cheating. They haven’t done anything physical due to the distance and money. However, he still cheated. My husband believes if we work this out, maybe this could get better for our relationship. Not in my world. When I got cheated on, I told my ex it was over. I don’t believe in fixing. But I can’t seem to leave him. Maybe because I love him unconditionally more than my ex. I’ve had family members that stayed with their cheating spouses and are good. I don’t know if I can take that risk. It’s not me. I don’t know what to do.

In Laws Doubting me and my Motherhood

Hello everyone! Long time no see! Sorry I haven’t been blogging. I never got the chance to sit down and talk about my life. Most of the time, I’m occupied with my son. He’s currently sleeping. So I’m taking this opportunity to write down how I am. As you can tell, I’m having a bump on the road. Things have been bumpy. Other than being away from my own blood family, my in laws are starting to doubt me. On a daily basis, I try my best to care for my son as possible. Sometimes I can be careless or frustrated. But in the end, I love my son no matter what. My relationship with the father has been tacky. Meaning I yell at him more than a coyote trying to eat the road runner.

It’s kinda hard to adjust everything. Being a stay at home mom isn’t exactly what I planned in my life. I plan to have both a career and kids in my life. Unfortunately, I had to halt my plans because my son needs his mother. I don’t know what is like to be a mother. Nor do I say I have the experience. I know I’ve been one for 7 months, but I still feel new to taking care of a baby. My in laws only see the bad in me when I take care of my son because I don’t know how to balance myself and him. I’ve been told by family members to take care of myself. My in laws tell me that I must put my son first before myself. It is hard. Sometimes I desire to have a break or two. But when I do get one for a moment, I get called lazy and ungrateful.

I also been told by the father that I’m slow around the baby. I don’t know how to interact with him. I need to step up my game. All kinds of what most people would say to a new mom. Frankly, I’m drained. I don’t know if I should tell these people off. Or just take their advice. No one knows how I feel. They just see the doubt in me. They’re just like my blood family. Very quick to make doubts. I’m not asking for them to feel pity for me. I just hate it when they’re so quick to make judgements as a mother. Hell even my step-mother in law and grandmother in law are mothers. I don’t know if they forgot what it is like to be a mom or they just let time fly and say “I did it”.

I wish there is someone out there that knows exactly what I’m going through as a new mom. This is beyond hell.

My Mental Health

Growing up, I suffered anxiety and depression. I was self diagnosed by my best guy friend in 2012. From there, I learned of my mental illness. I had it for as long as I existed. I just never acknowledge because it didn’t seem to affect me during my childhood. If I were to experience it, I would put myself in an overthinking drive. It’s a non-stop process. The only way to trigger the attacks is either my mother or some conflict in a relationship. Mostly my mother affects them. She doesn’t know that she’s the source to my mental illness. It’s horrible to blame your mother for your mental illness. But it is what it is. I usually cope with it by using comedy, music, or therapy talk with close people in my life. But I do feel that I’m still suffering silently.

It’s not fun. Each attack I suffer, my mind and body gets very tired. I pray that things will become better. However, my anxiety doesn’t say so otherwise. When I lived with my mother, my mental health was bad. I was on and off with her. I grew up angry and depressed. Usually, I’m very quiet about it. It started showing in reality after I gave birth to my son. Being a new mother mixed with anxiety/depression is not a good thing. I got out of my mother’s roof within 2 weeks. I still kept touch with her, however, she does tend to trigger them here and there. The worst one was today. After the crap my mother gave me on Sunday, I had to suffer with loads of anxiety. Luckily, I didn’t suffer alone. My own family and new family heard me out. They supported me with lots of reassuring.

I’m happy to know that I’m loved. In a way, my mental health improved within the past 6 months. But I still feel my anxiety and depression won’t be leaving me. It’s still a part of my life. The only thing I could do is cope the best I could. Hopefully, I’ll feel good about myself without any bad thoughts hovering over me.

 

 

 

Mom vs Everyone Else

My mother had made a dramatic unnecessary thing to me. This morning, I was in communications with my aunt (mom’s sister). I send her a baby photo of my son. It’s just in a forms of communication and update of the baby. My aunt then send the photo to my mom. That hurt my mother, knowing I didn’t think of her first. As a mother, I do kinda understand how she must have felt. At the same time, I also feel it shouldn’t be a big deal. I was conflicted with this situation until I made a phone call to her sister. I didn’t expect my aunt to explode in rage of how immature her sister was.

I grew up with being told that my mother is always the first one. It’s her versus everyone else. Because she is my mother, I am told to make her my priority. Basically, she wants to be treated like a queen. It’s quite a hassle and toxic relationship to me. I wasn’t too happy about what my mother said to me. However, her sister thinks otherwise. I did let my aunt know that maybe I was wrong. I should’ve thought of my mother more. My aunt stopped me from thinking that. She told me that sending the baby’s photo through a family member isn’t a big deal. If my cousin were to do that to her, she wouldn’t mind. It’s still in forms of communication. I guess my mother overreacted as usual. This makes me think of my son. I’m trying hard not to play a momma’s boy. Because I don’t want my son to feel like he should make me his priority. Children are going to make mistakes regardless. It’s okay and lessons will be learned.

Now that I’m a mother, I wouldn’t want that kind of relationship with my children. They’re not obligated to tell me first. But I would like to know in some shape or form. My kids shouldn’t feel scared of communicating with me. I won’t force them to make me their priority just because I gave birth to them. I just want them to talk to me. That’s it. A mother isn’t going to be a child’s priority forever. I would never hold that onto my children. They’re not my slaves. They’re my kids.

YouTube is full of Teen Drama

I’m not sure how this is related to what I’m talking about. I notice YouTube and social media have become very powerful. It is so powerful that it’s possible to create drama. Say the wrong thing and your ass will be blasted. I am 26 years old. It took me ten years to fully develop as an adult. Being a teenager is meant to experiment with stupidity. We were all stupid when we were kids and teenagers. Nobody is perfect. Heck, I had stupidity when I was a teen. I’m not 100% perfect. But I let my past help me develop into a better individual. We’re not the same person as we were 20 years ago. You can’t expect any between the ages 0 to 22 to be mature. It takes time. I’m blogging about this because I recently watch a new video of a small YouTuber. Though I’m not subscribed to her, I do love her content. Her channel name is Nikki Glamour. She’s a small YouTuber who tells stories of her teen years and early college ages. I find them very relatable and entertaining at the same time. I’m not one of those people who go extra into finding out who are the people in their past. Because you may never know if they are a different person and have grown.

I don’t know why there are people who do “care” enough to go extra and harass individuals who they think is the people in the stories. That is not cool. She’s not the one who enabled the people to do it. They’re the ones who had to go extra. I also notice how people think they know a certain YouTuber from the videos and social media. They create a forum talking shit about that YouTuber. It’s like high school all over again. I remember when I was in high school, social media and YouTuber were barely in the stream. We enjoy the content rather than focusing on creating drama. Most of the drama is within our circle. Now I guess there will be drama in everyone’s business, regardless. I’m very disappointed in today’s generation. How could you create entertainment into drama? If you want drama, go into the beauty community. Drama’s there. No matter what a creator does, people create drama.

I honestly can’t stop drama from happening in social media and YouTuber. Because that seems to be the money grabber these days. Yes, people make money off of drama. Even if it’s fake. But I do urge people to not let these negative individuals to ruin YouTube or any social media. Remember. Just have fun. If you don’t like it, click exit. No one is forcing you to watch the video. If you have an opinion (a good one) or constructive criticism, let them know. But no hate. I hope this helps.

 

Junior Again

Update on my husband’s grandmother. She’s okay. Just in pain. Anyway, I just saw the student status on my CSUN portal. I’m once again a Junior. I had to be placed as a Junior again because of my one semester off for my son. A little part of me was disappointed that I’m not a senior because I had a baby. But at the same time, I have to remind myself that life isn’t a race. If I took 6 years at a community college to transfer, then I shouldn’t mind a minor delay in University. It’s not something I planned in my career. But what can I do? Life gets in the way. I’m not the only one who had to delay my career goals. I really hope I do get back into the groove by Fall 2019. My son is at least a little more older. I’m hoping things do go well. I don’t want another last minute changes like last time.

My mother told me that she’ll be taking care of my son while I go back for Spring semester. That was the original plan. However, she got sick and was in pain. That backfired everything. I was debating on not skipping one semester of school and juggling a new baby. After a few advice, I was recommended to skip one semester for the baby. So that’s what I did. I didn’t like it, but it’s what I need to do. Watching everyone else graduating and going on with their career made me a bit envy. But it’s fine. I have one goal crossed out. I got my own little family. I hope to make two other goals in life come true. Wish me the best luck in whatever else I’m doing. I need all the luck I can get for the upcoming return to CSUN.

Praying For Husband’s Grandmother

I could use some prayers right now. My husband’s grandmother is currently in the hospital to recover after a surgery. Though it isn’t a major one, I still can’t shake off the negative Nancy feeling. I don’t think the grandmother will recover well from the surgery. In my personal experience, old people mixed with surgery doesn’t end well. It happened to my grandfathers and great uncle. I personally would recommend the family to keep visiting her as much as they can. Because you may never know her timing would pass. I hate to be super negative but it’s the truth. I’ve had it happened to my family. My grandfathers and great uncle both did minor surgeries. Family thought they would recover well. In the end, they die. I’m really scared it might happen to my husband’s family.

Like I said, I hate being a negative Nancy. I love his grandmother. She’s the sweetest old lady that I ever met. Though she and I have a language barrier, she does care for my husband as a her 4th fourth son. Not to mention, she’s in love with her great grandson. The poor woman has been through a lot. She’s currently suffering from diabetes. I don’t know which type. But it’s dangerous for sure. She already had 3 diabetic attacks and went under a coma. Oh, it’ll be a hard toll on the family. Especially my husband’s grandfather. He loves his wife very much. If anything goes wrong, I’ll be right by their side. I really pray that nothing goes wrong. I just hope the woman fights like a solider.