2019

Happy (Late) 2019!

The New Year is here! Man, last teen year before we head to the roaring 20’s. It’s amazing how time flies. I’m currently sitting in bed, with my sleepy boyfriend. The baby is fine and asleep in his crib. My living situation with the boyfriend is pretty awesome. I’m a lot more happier and emotionally stable. As far as my school situation, I have to pause for this semester. My in-laws are not available 24/7 for the baby. The boyfriend has a graveyard shift and needs to catch up some sleep. My mother did say (once again) that she will care for the baby when I go back to school in case if no one is available to care for my son. I didn’t want to pause school, but it is for the best. Plus I don’t want to hear my mother complaining about being shoved all the hard work of caring for my son. Also, my boyfriend doesn’t want my mother to take care of my son because of limited visitations.

My mother doesn’t have the best feeling for my boyfriend. The couple weeks that the baby was at my parents’ house is extreme hell. I got constant complaints of walking down the wrong path and no consequences. She even picked on me for making an old lady like her to care for the baby. I figure I should save myself the trouble and handle the caring on my own. I told her that school will be delayed for now and I didn’t want her to feel like the baby is a burden to care for. Babies are a lot of work to care for. Although I don’t feel it’s a lot of work, I still don’t want to shove the baby to her. It’ll create a lot of tensions within the environment. She’s completely unaware of the real reasons why the baby won’t be back in my parent’s house.

It was quite a long process to think about. I had to get a few people to agree that I should take the semester off and be home with the baby. I tried my best to keep both sides happy. I don’t want to make a dick move to making my in-laws move around their stuff again after accommodating me and the baby. Graduation will be another delay, but it’s fine. At least my mother didn’t yell at me for not telling her. She seemed rather approving of me taking care of the baby on my own. I hope things go well for the next few months. It sucks to give up my planned schedule, but it’s alright. I’m glad that I’m taking up as an adult. Hopefully things will go well.

 

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Moving In With Boyfriend

After a couple of weeks of Holiday crap, my mother and I came into peace. I never expect to spend two weeks with ongoing mess, along with trying to rest after giving birth. It was finally decided that my son will be at the boyfriend’s place. I will move in, along as well. It’s kinda of a relief that I get to move out of my parents’ house. But it’s also a bitter because I’ve spend the last 25 years in this house. I never thought of moving out into a different city. Well, I did for a semester at CSUN. However, it’s school-related. I wasn’t home sick while I was there. But moving in with the boyfriend and his family is quite a different story.

It’s the best solution to all of this mess. My family has been questioning of whether the boyfriend’s family will contribute to taking care of the baby. None was discussed earlier and things kept going back to square 1. I wasn’t really happy with what happened during the Holidays. It was emotionally draining for me. I’m not blaming my baby as part of my depression. I blame it on my mother. I can not stress how difficult it was to hear her being passive aggressive towards me while dealing with her own health issues. Well, everything settled when the boyfriend’s parents offered me and the baby to stay with them. It sure lightens the situation better.

At the same time, I gain some independence of moving out. I did spend a semester with roommates. Now I’m going to spend a time period with in-laws. I guess it’ll be alright. I just have to adjust to the environment. Wish me the best of luck at my new home. I’m hoping it’ll go well.

Life of a New Mother

As a new parent, I learn that my baby is my priority. Sometimes it can be frustrating, but I realize it’s for the best. For the past week of my winter break, I’ve been cooped up at home a lot. I was told to take some rest and relax. I never knew the reason behind it.Yesterday was my aunt’s birthday. Usually, the family goes out for dinner. I was eager to come along for the first time in a few months. It turns out that I couldn’t. I was disappointed and wondered why I couldn’t go. I forgot my son is a newborn. Newborn’s immune system is very weak. They can’t be in overcrowded places. Otherwise, they’ll wind up sick. With that in mind, I got over it completely. It’s an understanding medical reason. However, my mother didn’t think I would understand. She assumed I threw a tantrum. Honestly, I wasn’t even throwing a tantrum. I got too busy, spending the night with my little one.

There are many things I never knew of being a mother. I’m still learning. No one’s perfect. I don’t see why I have to get criticized for the path I chose. Yes, it was a mess when I got pregnant and didn’t tell anyone about it. But regardless, the past is in the past. I just have a hard time adjusting to being a new mom. No one handed me a manual of “How to Care for a Newborn”. I’m clueless. Referring to my blog, “From One Mother to Another”, no mother is perfect. Perfection to parenting is overrated. I’m bound to make mistakes in life. I wish my mother knew what it is like to be a new parent. She never had some compassion to understanding how I’d feel. I’m not saying my feelings should overpower my son’s well being. I kinda wish she gets my position. Being cooped up at home 24/7 is not cool. People would go crazy over the fact they can’t leave the house. Especially with a newborn at home.

But all in all, sacrifices have to be made for the sake’s of my son. It’s all under his well being.

 

From One Mother to Another

With my son now in my life, I’m starting the adjustment to this new mom thing. It’s only been a week and a half since he’s born and I’m already facing criticism. Not much of a constructive one. It’s more like bashing. The perfect person to tell me that is my own mother. As a new mom, I struggled to make the best for my son. I’m trying my best. I didn’t put him on a firecracker and blow him up. My own mother makes it seem like I am. From changing dirty diapers to feeding him, it’s adding up the tension. An experienced mom will likely to criticize a new mom. I understand that experiences comes in handy. However, it doesn’t really quite help for new moms.

Since a week passed, I honestly feel like I’m not ready to be a mom. My own mother thinks I’m a crash course dummy. It’s hard not to feel that way, but I can’t help it. What am I suppose to do? I don’t have magical powers that will suddenly make me Supermom. This is my first child. Give me a break. I’m sure most new moms have no clue what to do with their newborn. However, it doesn’t seem like the case for my mother. Since she’s had two kids, she claims when she became a mom, her “magical mom powers” worked well for her. If that’s the case, then she can take my baby and raise him if she were to be so perfect. I don’t know how she took care of me when I was a baby. She clearly thought I was a heavy load since I cried so much.

I don’t know what to feel. I’m doing my best to take care of my son. My desire for having children of my own doesn’t come in preparation of “How to Care for a Newborn”. I didn’t have time to take burping, breastfeeding, and changing diaper classes. I’m not some kind of robot that magically comes with that package of my own. This is frustrating. It’s even worse when my mother talks trash me in front of my son. Like why would a new baby need to know how clumsy or terrible his mother is? It creates a bad feeling. I honestly would love to make my mom, his mother and me, his sister. You wanna blame my baby blues on my boyfriend? Heh. I’m blaming my baby blues on her! She doesn’t realize that I’m questioning my position as a mother because of her. My son barely came into this world and already I’m questioning myself.

I’m hoping one day I blow up. This is my kid. I may not have that magical supermom powers. But I will be a better mom and I’m learning. From one mother to another, experienced or not, we all are trying our best. No need to paint us of how a “mother” should be. I’m no crackhead, alcoholic asshole. Try to be more civilized and teach me how to do certain things. I don’t need more wisecracking criticism and telling my son that I’m not doing a perfect job. If you’re so darn perfect, why not you take care of him?

Baby Before Marriage

I’ve always been told that a baby should come after marriage. I grew up, retelling myself to never get pregnant before marriage. I constantly made sure pregnancy doesn’t enter the picture unless I’m well offed financially. It wasn’t until recently that I got pregnant. Not to mention, I just gave birth right after my first semester of University. Though it seems normal, traditional people sees it as out of norm.

My pregnancy has been the highlight of the recent few months. It’s a roller coaster of mixed feelings. Overall, it’s a major heartbreak disappointment to people that I never associate with. From what I learn through out this journey, life just happens. I wasn’t aware of my pregnancy in the beginning. A missing period should have been an indefinite sign. However, I mistook it as a stress thing. Because I had missed my period due to stress once. Then my belly started developing. That’s when things become mixed. My family assumes that I must have been lying. However, it wasn’t the case. I was scared to telling them about my pregnancy. Knowing my mother, she wouldn’t be pleased about the situation. She would even forbid me to seeing my boyfriend.

Things are too late now. Everyone knows about my baby, including her community. Her community thinks I’m a bad seed. My community supports me. In other words, life just happens. It doesn’t matter which path I chose. I may be a young 25 year old mother, but I don’t see my pregnancy as a mistake. If I didn’t have a baby, my life would’ve been the same as before. If you were to ask me how I’d feel if my son or future daughter got pregnant before marriage, I respond in a civil manner. I also would support them if they need it. I can understand what a scary feeling it must be. I’m not saying that they should follow my footsteps. I’m just saying if it ever happens to my children. I would be there for them no matter what.

Baby, Hospital, Winter Break

Oh my. I nearly forgot about this blog. The countdown to my son’s arrival is earlier than expected. First off, my water broke around midnight on Tuesday. I thought I peed on myself. So I ran to the toilet and peed out the water. Then I saw trickles of blood coming out. For a minute, I was confused. The water kept gushing out even more. I put two and two together and realized I’m in labor. Luckily, my roommate (Jenny) was awake. I told her my water broke. So both of my roommates freaked out. I somehow stayed calm throughout the 5 minute ride to the hospital. When I reached there, I was quickly registered and prepped for labor.

I didn’t experience any contractions. Before the pain came, I was asked for an epidural for preparation. I delayed it until my contractions were getting stronger. By 3 AM, my boyfriend arrived to the hospital. My roommates left and I was pretty much waiting around for my baby’s arrival. With the epidural, I didn’t feel any pain. I waited 10 hours before my vaginal delivery began. The delivery took one hour with lots of pushing. By the time my son arrived, everything happened very quick. From him out of vagina, suing up the tore, and mini seizure attack. The seizure happened right after giving birth. The nurse tried to guide me to use the toilet. Before I could, my vision blurred up and I fainted. It almost felt like I went into a deep sleep for a couple minutes. I then woke up and saw 10 hospital facility. Doctors and nurses were making a commotion about me having to deal with such trauma.

The rest of my stay at the hospital was fine. I turn out fine. The baby is very healthy and has been home since Thursday evening. I’ve been getting visits here and there so far. Happy to be home. My finals are taken care of early. So I’m officially done with University for the semester. Winter break is here. I’m definitely looking forward to the holidays. By the way, here’s a picture of my son.

Name: Nathan Flores-Wu

Birth Date: December 11, 2018

Arrival Time : 2:40pm

Weight: 7 lbs and 13 ounces

Height: 20 inches

Countdown to Nathan’s Arrival

8 more days

Well, finals week is here. I still have a couple days of lecture day left, but only one class decide to make a final day instead of the rest. I got no finals until Thursday night. Most of my finals are either take home exams or given early. I was suppose to have a final on next Monday night, but my professor figure I shouldn’t be in class taking the final, regarding my pregnancy. So I’ll be given a take home exam, which is great. I already finished 2 of the 4 finals. I hope things do go well. I’m praying my son will stay inside until I’m done with finals.

My pregnancy is still going smooth. A little bit of pain, but everything is smooth. Everyone thinks I have it smooth. Most pregnant women would be complaining and suffering by now. I look like a normal person. Sometimes I would forget that I have a belly. That’s how smooth my pregnancy is. I never thought that I’d be the lucky ones. Anyway, I’m very excited and nervous. I can’t wait for my baby boy to arrive. He’ll be the light of my month.