Life Sucks, Then You Die

My 9th grade Career Pathways teacher used to quote that many times. I don’t know what he meant by that. I was going to blog yesterday, but didn’t quite felt like it. It has to do with dealing with emotional sadness.

After a month and a few days, I lost my maternal grandfather to death at 3 AM. On the previous day, I made plans with my friends, but my mom cut short. So I was upset that I couldn’t go. But I had a terrible feeling something was going to happen. I didn’t get it at the tip of my finger. Who knew the nurses would be calling you at 2 AM in the morning, but your phone is off. When you wake up a few hours later, you hear the voicemail and had some confusion to why it sounds so urgent. I called back the number, but no one answered.

I figured why not wait for them to call. I think about 20 minutes kicked in and a phone call was received. I answered and it was from a doctor. She informed me about my grandfather’s death on a Sunday morning. I knew his death was coming, but I was still lost at words. I could barely speak anything. The emotional stress took a toll on me and I ran out of my room, with my phone in my hand. Before I reached the front door, my dad immediately got up and came over to me.

He knew what was going on. Daughter crying and doctor calling. My dad asked me, “Is grandpa dead?” I nodded yes while sobbing my ass off. The doctor finally spoke out and said “I’m so sorry, Jane“. I wanted to tell her it’s okay, but I could barely get any words out. All I can do was cry and informed my parents about my grandfather’s death. My mom was in the yard and she had no idea what’s going. She thought I was crying for no reason. Her face was annoyed and told me to utter out. As soon  as I uttered out the news, her facial went from annoyed to sadness.

That was my Sunday morning. 24 hours ago, my mother lost her own father to death. We’re all very sad by the news. I couldn’t believe my maternal grandfather would face death so quick. I thought for sure my maternal grandmother was going to die. Apparently not. It’s also a coincidence, too. My paternal grandfather died 17 years ago on this month, but on the 14th. I lost both of my grandfathers 17 years apart. Now I have no more grandpas. It’s only my grandmas that are left. Lesson learned. Treasure your loved ones. You may never know when they’ll be gone.

College Talk

Last night, my boyfriend came over to discuss his struggles with college life. Earlier, I mention how he doesn’t understand college struggles. Well, now it finally caught up to him. I could sit here and say “Haha, I told you so!” But I didn’t because that would make me look like a jerk.

Also, I want to be there for him as best as I can. Currently, he hasn’t done anything for the last two months. Other than sitting at home. He thought I was going to break up over his struggles. Nah, I would never do that. It’s okay. I reassure him that I’m on the same boat, too. At my age, I’m suppose to get my Master’s degree. But I’m not even close into getting my Associate’s. I still have two more semesters to go before transferring to a University.

Everyone has their struggles in college. Most of us have no idea what to do with our lives. Many students dab into different majors before settling into the one major they’re meant for. About 0.01% already know what they want and got everything on time. Parents like to compare and worry about us when are we going to finish college. Since they already accomplish their success, it’s our turn to show them the success we can achieve. Unfortunately, every school has different requirements to fulfill. It’s not like back in the 90’s where transfer requirements takes 1 year and college is a  piece of cake.

No, that’s not how things work now. Parents really don’t have a grasp of the struggles, we the current generation, are facing. School takes a while to dab. Job marketing sucks because you need connections in order to get a job. Everything is expensive. So I don’t blame my boyfriend for feeling unhappy and lost in transition. I think it finally caught up to him because his dad was giving him the college talk.

Well, let me remind the dad that he has his struggles to. While his ass became a father at an early age, he juggled between school and part time job. Yes, he has money and achieved everything in 2012. But he’s still unhappy. No wife. At age 39, men at his age should be married with kids running around in the house. Your only kid is a walking 20 year old in college. Plus having your own family seems impossible to achieve.

Let’s face it. We all have our struggles. But the only way to success is how we want to write our stories.

I Hate My Mother

If you seen my blog, “My Narcissistic Mother“, you’d get the hint that I have a terrible relationship with her. I’ve spoken about my mother plenty of times on this blog. It’s not a surprise that I display such strong feelings. She may have raised me, but most of the time, she is not a good mother. In my eyes, my mother is way too judgmental and close minded. Anything I say or do is an imperfection to her. Most Asian immigrant parents have this mentality where their kids are suppose to be a certain way. Like I said, I’ve spoken about it once or twice.

You might be thinking, “Well why can’t you move out?”. I wish I could, but I can’t. I’m too broke to even move out. For the past ten years, I tried my best to hide my emotional stress away from her. I used writing as a way to escape from reality. Sometimes, venting to my best friend is also a help. But overall, I’m still an unhappy child. I will never be happy unless either I have the money to move out or she dies. I won’t even be sad if she does. Because having my mother around is very depressing.

Sometimes, she tries to display an open mind, but it’ll only last for a few seconds before she can start complaining about me. Many people around me feel bad that I have that kind of mother who loves yelling at me. Every time she yells at me, she would pick on the unsuccessful things in my life. Being stuck at a community college with no license and job. These were suppose to be the things I should’ve achieved earlier. Meanwhile, I have to also develop cooking and cleaning skills. It’s pretty much set as an example of being firmly independent.

When I get older and have my own children, I would never display that kind of judgmental and close minded behavior. I would also never downgrade my children if they make a minor mistake. But I also want to guide them to the right path. I don’t want to be too much of a friend. All of my mother’s negative parenting really inspired me to not become like my mother. It’ll be the biggest mistake if I ever adapted to her parenting style. So for those post that says “If I ever become half of a woman that my mother is, that will be great”. Well, fuck you. Some of us don’t have a wonderful role model of a mother.

I’m lucky mine doesn’t do drugs or alcohol to beat my ass up everyday. Oh wait. She doesn’t need drugs or alcohol. She’s Asian. All she need is build-up anger and a bamboo stick. Let all that anger out on your innocent child. That’ll show what a horrible parent she is. Too bad she can’t beat me anymore. Because I’m 24 years old and getting beat by a 50 year old woman is very awkward.

 

Old and New Friends

I discovered true friends back in 9th grade. Together, I manage to build a small group of friends that I can count on. My former friends had been long gone as I can remember. They’re not as toxic as you think. But pretty dramatic. I can understand teenage phase, but living up to the drama is unnecessary. I was friends with these group of people, coming from the same middle school, Richard Garvey Intermediate. They weren’t close to me, but I was acquainted with them.

During 9th grade, I had a puppy crush on an ex- preschool classmate of mine. He’s mentioned once in my blog before. Chad was very popular in high school. Girls swarm around him for some very odd reason. He had a crush on every girl except me. Because I was way too ugly for him to see me that way. I mean, look at 9th grade me.

 (Total dork!)

My boyfriend thought I look cute in the 9th grade. He said he would totally go for me. Anyway, 9th grade drama happened between me and Chad. I don’t know why then and now. My ex-Garvey friends were getting invested into the drama. Meanwhile, I had slight friendship problems with one girl. Because I don’t vent to her, she feels left out. I can honestly say that is pretty immature. Not everyone is meant to be my best friend. Being told by my secrets is very confidential. I feel no trust between me and her. As a result, she got two girls ganged up on me via Instant message. I was told to disconnect with them, which results into having to be solo.

I lost friends and went into meeting new friends. Those friends lasted 10 years with me. Today, I realize if it weren’t for losing old ones, I wouldn’t have met my best friends. I guess everything plays out well. If people are meant to be in your life, they will stay. If they’re not, either they’re bad friends or just acquaintances.

Guess We’re Alright

As usual, the boyfriend and I are fine. He reached out to me yesterday which was good. I thought I lost him forever. We didn’t do much of a discussion on how I feel on personal fights in the relationship. I don’t blame him for being angry with me. But next time, we should be a little more smarter. Then again, being in critical mode doesn’t help. At the same time, I do feel he is much more mature than my exes. The last time a guy lashed out at me was 2012. My anxiety pushed him off the edge and Douche Face screamed at me. What’s worse is he was completely ignorant towards my feelings.

Thinking back to it, I can’t blame myself for having anxiety. The guy is terrible. There’s no trust in the relationship. For someone to only be attracted to me because I was a virgin is messed up. Anyway, at least that’s over. I’m happy to be in a relationship with my boyfriend. Everyday is new day for me and him.

 

Be right or Be Married?

I was watching a relationship advice on Youtube. The person in the video I recognized her from TedTalks. I love TedTalks. Many speakers in the video give out really excellent advice. It’s crystal clear and straight to the point. You’re probably wondering what the heck does that quote mean? Well, I’ll explain it in a second. But just a quick story. It’s kinda sad. My boyfriend and I fought this morning. We were fighting between Thursday night and Friday morning. But we smashed it and went back to normal. I didn’t know the same thing would be dragged out again today.

This is the second time he proposed a space limit, similar to our first bad fight. But with added more suspense. I was given another door to open if I chose the break-up path on my own during his break. This time, he won’t chase after me and we’ll never see each other ever again.

My heart is literally beating inside of me, filled with anxiety. I already had family emergencies going on. I don’t need my relationship to be added to the mix. It’s already been 5 hours since his last text. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel he is giving me the freedom to walk away to see my reaction. He’ll probably use that against me if we do break up. At the same time, waiting is difficult. Because unlike previous fights, he’s the angered one, not me. After tolerating my so called “quitter” attitude, he officially unleashed his real anger with cursing. Luckily, it wasn’t in person. It was on text. But it still stunned me, but at the same time, I’m relieved he was brave enough to tell the truth. I always wanted him to tell me. He was afraid to in the beginning.

I guess this must have pushed him to the point where he can’t take it anymore. The whole argument was mostly based on sex and me avoiding the conversation. I already knew it’s going to be the same. But I never knew this would be the outcome. I spend the whole morning thinking to myself to see if I could figure out what to do. It wasn’t until I looked up on Youtube and found the most appropriate advice ever. Like I stated in the beginning, the speaker from TedTalks posted a video on advice of fighting in a relationship. Unlike most general advice, the quote, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”, got me struck and amazed.

I honestly believe we’re both not smart in the fighting. Too much bickering and pointing fingers. It’s normal for couples to go through that. However, I fear the worst might happen. We haven’t really learned from our old fights. I mean, there was tensions before. But it wasn’t that bad. We both usually hear each other out and squash it as quick as we can. Throughout our relationship, we both focus on our feelings rather than logic when it comes to fights. I’m usually the one who caves in and apologize for my behavior. Then I would try to improve myself. Deep down in my heart, walking away and breaking up is the least thing I want to do. I don’t see myself not being in a relationship with him. My boyfriend is the best partner I ever asked for. Despite the complications, I try my best to ignore his flaws and accept him 100% as a human being.

It’s why that quote is perfect. The real question is “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” Well, not literally married. “Married” as in wise. In other words, do you want to be wise or right? I prefer to be married. I have my fair shares of pointing fingers, too. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no angel. But in the end, I take a break and figure out the real deal. Focus on logic rather than feelings. I don’t want to claim that I’m right all the time in fights. Even if I am, I try my best not to claim the statement.

Relationships are hard. I wonder how people in long term did it. I always thought being in a long term relationship is easy if you’re with the right person. But it’s a wrong factor. Even with the right person, it’s not easy. Fights are bound to happen whether you like it or not. I just hope we don’t get toxic in the future. It’s okay to be pissed and let some steam, but never get toxic. I hope things will be a lighter option.

Till Near Death

I haven’t spoken about my maternal grandfather’s condition since June. In the beginning, it was a big chunk of messy back and forth between the decision. I think about last week, we finally came to a decision. We decide on DNR with comfort measures. At this point, my grandfather is showing physical signs close to death. He has difficulty breathing, urine is in tea color, and feet/hands swelling up. My uncle (Mom’s brother) felt emotional pain and regret inside of him. Even though he knows the consequence, he still want to push further measures for my grandfather. I do understand it’s hard to lose a parent. No matter what age they’re in. But to act upon this now, it’s too late. My uncle hasn’t been the greatest son of all.

The reason why my grandfather is in this position is because of the poor condition he has been given. Prior to hospital, both of my maternal grandparents were happy and healthy. But because of the living condition between them and my aunt’s parents, both suffered emotional and physical. As soon as he’s close to dying, that is when my uncle suddenly have a heart of change and would do anything to keep him alive. I fully understand his pain and emotions. But no plead to keep him alive is going to help. My grandfather is close to dying. Why didn’t you do the nice things earlier?

Blaming doctors and hospitals as wrongful death has nothing to do with the situation. You’re just beating yourself up because he’s going to die. No chance of survival. The only thing you can do now is spend as much time with him as best you can. When the time comes, we’ll all stick together and pray that grandfather goes to sleep in peace. Doctors already said this millions of times. My uncle couldn’t let it sink in. I guess I don’t blame him for needing more time. He’s not like the rest of us who already know what’s going to happen and are preparing for the worst. This has been a rough summer for me, too. I hope to cope easy with this situation and be ready for the worst.