Hello everyone! Long time no see! Sorry I haven’t been blogging. I never got the chance to sit down and talk about my life. Most of the time, I’m occupied with my son. He’s currently sleeping. So I’m taking this opportunity to write down how I am. As you can tell, I’m having a bump on the road. Things have been bumpy. Other than being away from my own blood family, my in laws are starting to doubt me. On a daily basis, I try my best to care for my son as possible. Sometimes I can be careless or frustrated. But in the end, I love my son no matter what. My relationship with the father has been tacky. Meaning I yell at him more than a coyote trying to eat the road runner.
It’s kinda hard to adjust everything. Being a stay at home mom isn’t exactly what I planned in my life. I plan to have both a career and kids in my life. Unfortunately, I had to halt my plans because my son needs his mother. I don’t know what is like to be a mother. Nor do I say I have the experience. I know I’ve been one for 7 months, but I still feel new to taking care of a baby. My in laws only see the bad in me when I take care of my son because I don’t know how to balance myself and him. I’ve been told by family members to take care of myself. My in laws tell me that I must put my son first before myself. It is hard. Sometimes I desire to have a break or two. But when I do get one for a moment, I get called lazy and ungrateful.
I also been told by the father that I’m slow around the baby. I don’t know how to interact with him. I need to step up my game. All kinds of what most people would say to a new mom. Frankly, I’m drained. I don’t know if I should tell these people off. Or just take their advice. No one knows how I feel. They just see the doubt in me. They’re just like my blood family. Very quick to make doubts. I’m not asking for them to feel pity for me. I just hate it when they’re so quick to make judgements as a mother. Hell even my step-mother in law and grandmother in law are mothers. I don’t know if they forgot what it is like to be a mom or they just let time fly and say “I did it”.
I wish there is someone out there that knows exactly what I’m going through as a new mom. This is beyond hell.
Growing up, I suffered anxiety and depression. I was self diagnosed by my best guy friend in 2012. From there, I learned of my mental illness. I had it for as long as I existed. I just never acknowledge because it didn’t seem to affect me during my childhood. If I were to experience it, I would put myself in an overthinking drive. It’s a non-stop process. The only way to trigger the attacks is either my mother or some conflict in a relationship. Mostly my mother affects them. She doesn’t know that she’s the source to my mental illness. It’s horrible to blame your mother for your mental illness. But it is what it is. I usually cope with it by using comedy, music, or therapy talk with close people in my life. But I do feel that I’m still suffering silently.
It’s not fun. Each attack I suffer, my mind and body gets very tired. I pray that things will become better. However, my anxiety doesn’t say so otherwise. When I lived with my mother, my mental health was bad. I was on and off with her. I grew up angry and depressed. Usually, I’m very quiet about it. It started showing in reality after I gave birth to my son. Being a new mother mixed with anxiety/depression is not a good thing. I got out of my mother’s roof within 2 weeks. I still kept touch with her, however, she does tend to trigger them here and there. The worst one was today. After the crap my mother gave me on Sunday, I had to suffer with loads of anxiety. Luckily, I didn’t suffer alone. My own family and new family heard me out. They supported me with lots of reassuring.
I’m happy to know that I’m loved. In a way, my mental health improved within the past 6 months. But I still feel my anxiety and depression won’t be leaving me. It’s still a part of my life. The only thing I could do is cope the best I could. Hopefully, I’ll feel good about myself without any bad thoughts hovering over me.
My mother had made a dramatic unnecessary thing to me. This morning, I was in communications with my aunt (mom’s sister). I send her a baby photo of my son. It’s just in a forms of communication and update of the baby. My aunt then send the photo to my mom. That hurt my mother, knowing I didn’t think of her first. As a mother, I do kinda understand how she must have felt. At the same time, I also feel it shouldn’t be a big deal. I was conflicted with this situation until I made a phone call to her sister. I didn’t expect my aunt to explode in rage of how immature her sister was.
I grew up with being told that my mother is always the first one. It’s her versus everyone else. Because she is my mother, I am told to make her my priority. Basically, she wants to be treated like a queen. It’s quite a hassle and toxic relationship to me. I wasn’t too happy about what my mother said to me. However, her sister thinks otherwise. I did let my aunt know that maybe I was wrong. I should’ve thought of my mother more. My aunt stopped me from thinking that. She told me that sending the baby’s photo through a family member isn’t a big deal. If my cousin were to do that to her, she wouldn’t mind. It’s still in forms of communication. I guess my mother overreacted as usual. This makes me think of my son. I’m trying hard not to play a momma’s boy. Because I don’t want my son to feel like he should make me his priority. Children are going to make mistakes regardless. It’s okay and lessons will be learned.
Now that I’m a mother, I wouldn’t want that kind of relationship with my children. They’re not obligated to tell me first. But I would like to know in some shape or form. My kids shouldn’t feel scared of communicating with me. I won’t force them to make me their priority just because I gave birth to them. I just want them to talk to me. That’s it. A mother isn’t going to be a child’s priority forever. I would never hold that onto my children. They’re not my slaves. They’re my kids.
I’m not sure how this is related to what I’m talking about. I notice YouTube and social media have become very powerful. It is so powerful that it’s possible to create drama. Say the wrong thing and your ass will be blasted. I am 26 years old. It took me ten years to fully develop as an adult. Being a teenager is meant to experiment with stupidity. We were all stupid when we were kids and teenagers. Nobody is perfect. Heck, I had stupidity when I was a teen. I’m not 100% perfect. But I let my past help me develop into a better individual. We’re not the same person as we were 20 years ago. You can’t expect any between the ages 0 to 22 to be mature. It takes time. I’m blogging about this because I recently watch a new video of a small YouTuber. Though I’m not subscribed to her, I do love her content. Her channel name is Nikki Glamour. She’s a small YouTuber who tells stories of her teen years and early college ages. I find them very relatable and entertaining at the same time. I’m not one of those people who go extra into finding out who are the people in their past. Because you may never know if they are a different person and have grown.
I don’t know why there are people who do “care” enough to go extra and harass individuals who they think is the people in the stories. That is not cool. She’s not the one who enabled the people to do it. They’re the ones who had to go extra. I also notice how people think they know a certain YouTuber from the videos and social media. They create a forum talking shit about that YouTuber. It’s like high school all over again. I remember when I was in high school, social media and YouTuber were barely in the stream. We enjoy the content rather than focusing on creating drama. Most of the drama is within our circle. Now I guess there will be drama in everyone’s business, regardless. I’m very disappointed in today’s generation. How could you create entertainment into drama? If you want drama, go into the beauty community. Drama’s there. No matter what a creator does, people create drama.
I honestly can’t stop drama from happening in social media and YouTuber. Because that seems to be the money grabber these days. Yes, people make money off of drama. Even if it’s fake. But I do urge people to not let these negative individuals to ruin YouTube or any social media. Remember. Just have fun. If you don’t like it, click exit. No one is forcing you to watch the video. If you have an opinion (a good one) or constructive criticism, let them know. But no hate. I hope this helps.
Update on my husband’s grandmother. She’s okay. Just in pain. Anyway, I just saw the student status on my CSUN portal. I’m once again a Junior. I had to be placed as a Junior again because of my one semester off for my son. A little part of me was disappointed that I’m not a senior because I had a baby. But at the same time, I have to remind myself that life isn’t a race. If I took 6 years at a community college to transfer, then I shouldn’t mind a minor delay in University. It’s not something I planned in my career. But what can I do? Life gets in the way. I’m not the only one who had to delay my career goals. I really hope I do get back into the groove by Fall 2019. My son is at least a little more older. I’m hoping things do go well. I don’t want another last minute changes like last time.
My mother told me that she’ll be taking care of my son while I go back for Spring semester. That was the original plan. However, she got sick and was in pain. That backfired everything. I was debating on not skipping one semester of school and juggling a new baby. After a few advice, I was recommended to skip one semester for the baby. So that’s what I did. I didn’t like it, but it’s what I need to do. Watching everyone else graduating and going on with their career made me a bit envy. But it’s fine. I have one goal crossed out. I got my own little family. I hope to make two other goals in life come true. Wish me the best luck in whatever else I’m doing. I need all the luck I can get for the upcoming return to CSUN.
I could use some prayers right now. My husband’s grandmother is currently in the hospital to recover after a surgery. Though it isn’t a major one, I still can’t shake off the negative Nancy feeling. I don’t think the grandmother will recover well from the surgery. In my personal experience, old people mixed with surgery doesn’t end well. It happened to my grandfathers and great uncle. I personally would recommend the family to keep visiting her as much as they can. Because you may never know her timing would pass. I hate to be super negative but it’s the truth. I’ve had it happened to my family. My grandfathers and great uncle both did minor surgeries. Family thought they would recover well. In the end, they die. I’m really scared it might happen to my husband’s family.
Like I said, I hate being a negative Nancy. I love his grandmother. She’s the sweetest old lady that I ever met. Though she and I have a language barrier, she does care for my husband as a her 4th fourth son. Not to mention, she’s in love with her great grandson. The poor woman has been through a lot. She’s currently suffering from diabetes. I don’t know which type. But it’s dangerous for sure. She already had 3 diabetic attacks and went under a coma. Oh, it’ll be a hard toll on the family. Especially my husband’s grandfather. He loves his wife very much. If anything goes wrong, I’ll be right by their side. I really pray that nothing goes wrong. I just hope the woman fights like a solider.
Well, I’m up. Mostly cause of my son. Usually, he’s supposed to be sleeping up to 4 or 5 am in the morning. But not this past week. I don’t know why he’s been waking up early than usual. Don’t worry. Not a terrible mom. He’s still at my sight. Anyway, I’ve live with my in-laws for the past 5 months. The overall experience is great. My mental health is quite better. I still keep in contact with my parents, but overall it’s good. I did somehow notice how completely different my in-laws are compared to my parents. Growing up, I always been taught to be polite and considerate. Everything from sharing to communication, I’ve practice a lot of etiquette manners. When I want to practice these etiquette, I’m somehow faced with a different set of etiquette manners. An example would be sharing food portions. If I was back at my parents’ house, you only get enough portion for yourself but leave some for others. This household gives no two cents. If there’s food on the table, it’s a grabber. It doesn’t matter. If the portion is meant for sharing, then it’s a grabber.
If I were to go out, (doesn’t matter if I’m 16 or 30), I have to let my parents know who I’m hanging out and where I’ll be going. This household also gives no fucks. As long you make it home alive, then you’re okay. I’m not quite a fan of these etiquette. My in-laws seem to be way too careless. It’s good that you don’t want to be a helicopter parent. But you also got to keep your kids on check. Because the world is dangerous these days. We all need to keep our toes together. Also a couple of kidnappings happened in LA recently. Women taking little boys. It’s crazy! I have to hold my baby boy tight if I were to be in public with him. Anyway, that’s my two cents on learning different etiquette. I have to get going. My son should be heading to sleepville soon. He’s currently sitting on my lap, watching me blog. I hope to get some sleep after I put him to sleep. Good night, everyone!