That’s not a girl.

I am mistaken once again. Turns out that “girl” is my boyfriend’s gay best friend. He sure has the hots for him. I’ve heard about the gay best friend here and there, but never spoken the name. I always known him as the “fat gay guy”. I honestly don’t mind since that’s how their relationship is. I just hope he doesn’t go too far. I mean, I have friends in the LBGT department. They never try anything with me. Then again, they don’t really have that relationship with me. I never been hit on by a girl as far as I know. If I were to have that experience, I’d be shocked. Flattering but I’m not interested.

Also I knew that looking at my boyfriend’s phone without permission is a total invasion of privacy. Before he forgave me, I offer him the same to look through my phone. I got nothing to hide. He declined since he trust me enough. Instead he offered that in the future we both should request for our phone and Facebook if we ever feel doubts and/or insecure. I agreed to the terms and another one.

Man, relationships are pretty complex. But I’m still learning. Maybe I should record my journey and lessons in this relationship. It’s a good experience.

Unsure of him?

This practically something has been bothering me since this morning. As a routine, my boyfriend would sneak into my house and sleep over. I woke up an hour early than him, so I turned on my technology and stayed at my desk. It’s unusual of me because I normally still be in bed by the time he wakes up. But I didn’t mind. I was still in a happy mood. His phone was right next to my laptop, so I picked up and went through it.

Now, I’m not the type to go through someone’s else phone. To me, it’s an invasion of privacy. I wasn’t paranoid or anything. I was curious to see what is his life on the phone. I scrolled to the text messages he sent to people. One practical conversation caught me by the eye. It was from a girl. The conversation had me in confusion.  I wasn’t sure if they’re friends or flirty with each other. It seems friends and a bit of flirty. A few of the texts I saw weren’t what friends would say to each other. He did mention me here and there. But it’s not enough to convince me what’s going on within the text.

At that moment, I became unsure about our relationship. I didn’t tell my boyfriend I knew about this girl. He woke up just in time before I finished reading the last text. I felt guilty yet sad about going through his personal conversation. I also never had the guts to ask any questions. He had to get out of my house quick before parents find out. But when we said goodbye, I felt awkward with his kisses and hugs. At the moment, I couldn’t feel any trust for my boyfriend. It’s almost as if my heart is tugging out of my chest. He knew what I’m feeling, but didn’t know why.

He thought of something else. I wasn’t mad at what he told me. I was thinking about that girl. I started wondering if our relationship is meant to be or not. Reading the texts, it’s almost as if he’s himself with the girl. I already talked to one of my guy friends and he advised me to confront him. Meanwhile, I should put some strict rules.

Being me, I don’t want to become a controlling girlfriend. I know the difference between a friend and fuck buddy. I have guy friends, too. They know their boundaries and limits. I say the same for my boyfriend’s friends. Guy or girl. Doesn’t matter. But if that girl is trying to snatch my boyfriend, I swear I will ban her from talking to him. What I read isn’t pleasant in a girlfriend’s eyes. I’m hoping nothing is betrayed because I don’t want it to happen again. I already been through it once with a different person. So far, I’m taking some space for a day or two just to think. He already knows and anger isn’t in the air. I hope honesty will be key to this.

Updates on Maternal Grandfather

It’s been a few days with flying back and forth, but a decision is made. My uncle decided not to pull the plug. Reason why is that my grandfather was showing little reaction to my aunts talking to him. Because of that, the family decide to continue the treatment and see if he does improve. Right now, my grandfather is in a coma, but there are circulations and breathing inside his body. Just no brain function. I guess I have no choice but to comply with my family’s wishes.

Then again, it would be good for the family to see him one last time. So for the time being, the wires and ventilator are switched, but his body will be transported to a nursery home since hospital can’t hold him any longer. This reminds me of my paternal grandfather’s position. After my 7th birthday, he went in to get surgery to remove kidney stones. Unfortunately, the surgery didn’t went well. As a result, he was placed in a coma. For 5 months, family visited him from time to time. He didn’t wake up. By July 14,2000, he was declared dead. As a 7 year old, I never saw my paternal grandfather again. Nor did I said my goodbye.

All I remember was seeing his lifeless body in a casket. With crying family members and ceremony, that was my last memory of my paternal grandfather. I feel my maternal grandfather will go through the same position. Except I don’t know how long he will be attached to wires. In the long run, the doctor told me he might not wake up. May take 6 months to a year. But at his age, it’s highly unlikely that he will survive. My uncle wouldn’t dare to let him go that quick. So he requested more treatments in order to give us a longer time to spend more time with him. I guess it doesn’t hurt. Plus extended family will have the chance to see him before the worst comes.

Death is only the Beginning

I literally thought of that quote of the “The Mummy”. It’s where Imhotep’s body becomes mortal and his body sinks into the dark water. I wish I could insert a GIF, but I can’t find it. Anyway, terrible situation happened in my family. Every time I even think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach.

On the morning of Father’s Day, my 80 year old maternal grandfather went into Hypoxia. He was transported to a hospital near his home. Unfortunately, by the time his body reaches to the hospital, his breathing and heart already stopped. My grandpa’s body was unconscious. Doctors and nurses tried everything to resuscitate him, but barely any luck. Now his body is being attached to a machine that helps him breathe. Without it, he will die. Being an elderly, I know the chances of survival is at a minimum. Doctors and nurses all gave the same opinions. Even they have translations for my family and they still said the same.

I already accepted the fact that no medical professional can save my grandpa at this stage. Even if he survives, his body will be attacked to an oxygen tank forever. This isn’t the first time death has been upon us. I lost my other grandfather and two great uncles from both sides of the family. But I never seen a lifeless body attached to a machine, being so up close. I only knew from watching “Grey’s Anatomy“. It really does help out a lot from how the medical stuff happening in real life. Basic stuff.

It’s sad that this is a hard summer for my mom’s side. Especially when Father’s Day was suppose to be a happy celebration. My mom’s sister was planning to buy roasted duck, chicken, and cake to bring it over to the house. I was going to treat out my father for dinner. Unfortunately, family emergency was in. We had to cancel our plans and stayed home for a home cooked meal.

I really don’t want to see my grandpa to suffer anymore. For half a year, he’s been going through surgery to loosing weight. Being stuck in bed. I want to make the best decision for my grandpa. And that is to let him go and God will take care of him. But I can’t say much because I don’t get to make the decisions. It is up to my uncle to make the decision. So far, it’s undecided.

 

Conservative vs Liberal Sex

All my life, I grew up in a conservative environment. Sex was a troubled topic. The schools I grew up in only talked the consequences and promote abstinence. As a young teenager, I was pretty shy from ever going in deep about sex. I only talk about my views on it ; not into details of the subject. Most of my friends are countless virgins, so I didn’t have a problem with the virginity status. It wasn’t until college that I started digging into the subject more.

Ten years ago, I would said “No” to sex and vow to wait till marriage. Because it’s what I’ve been told and sex was prohibited from the household. I always assume everyone will stay a virgin. Whoever was having sex, people would shame them. In college, I met someone who was proud of getting laid and criticize my sexless life. It was horrible and irritating to hear that I should lose my virginity before it’s too late. As if I have a time bomb on me on when should I lose it. If I weren’t so quiet, I would’ve told that person to fuck off and mind his own business. In the end, I got scared telling people about my sexless life. I thought being a virgin was a shame to society. It turns out there are people in college whom are still virgins and understood my situation.

In no way am I promoting sex. I believe people will have sex at least once in their lifetime. Whether it’s bad or good, there’s always a way. People just have their own time to commit such act. This year, I learned that in romantic relationships, there’s intimacy involved. Most guys I’ve come across want sex. They only told me that it is very important in the relationship. I denied their offers because who would try to hook up with some stranger off the internet. I used to be extra conservative to plan to wait until I was ready and close to marriage to do it.

When the guys ask me if I’m ever going to do it with them, I always say no. Because I didn’t feel comfortable and they didn’t want to develop a relationship with me. In the end, it’s all a valid reason not to start anything with them unless I fully trust them. My boyfriend then came into the picture. He told me the same thing. however, it took a while for him to fully explain what he meant by it. Before, I would display the same thoughts I had on sex. Every time he express his sexual fantasy for me, I would tell him “How disgusting” and “I wouldn’t want to touch down there. Who knows where’s it been?” That is the meanest comment I ever said out of my mouth. I almost sound awfully like my mother.

In a slight understanding, I was intimated by the thoughts. Because I’ve practice abstinence most of my life, I didn’t know what to say. At the same time, I shouldn’t been close minded and said a more openly way.

Whether you’re conservative or liberal about sex, I believe we all need to have an open mind about the subject. At the same time, we want to be smart and safe about it. We should educate the next generation a little more open about this subject. I fear the next generation are taking sex like a loose condom. That’s not how I want to educate my children about it. The world shouldn’t hide our children in the dark yet inform them that sex is serious. I want my kids to make the right decision with sex. At least have them wait until they are mature enough.

Should You Tell?

So I read an article from Odyssey Online, talking about whether the author should tell they’re trans or not. I’ll leave the article here if you’re curious to read it.

No,I Don’t Have To Tell

The article basely talks of a story of a trans woman who was brutally murdered in 2014 by a marine. In the marine’s excuse, he said he reacted in a panic. She was deceitful and a rapist. The author points out and made a very awful point how trans do have the right to not tell anyone they’re trans before they’re dating someone. It is not deceitful and the trans didn’t force sex on anyone. To not be attracted to trans is equal to transphobic.

Now there was a counterattack article, responding to the author saying you have to tell that you are trans before dating someone. The article is linked after the author finishes her statement on the bottom. It should say “Yes, You Have to Tell”.

In my personal experience, Los Angeles doesn’t have many transgender community. I never met a transgender person nor I seen one. I did hear about the term a while back when stumbling across two transgender stories that was made into a lifetime movie. I personally  don’t think it’s cool to brutally murder someone just because you “panic” once you found out they don’t have the genitals you desired. But the decision to whether the trans person should tell or not is really all up to them. They don’t have to tell right away if they’re trans. It really all depends whether they’re comfortable in telling or not. But sooner or later, their partner will find out and who knows how they’re going to react.

As far as having sex with a trans, it’s really unjustified to tell if it is rape or not. Personally, I wouldn’t go to bed with someone on the first date. I would give my partner a few months before jumping into the bedroom scene. That’s how my boyfriend and I got intimate. I gave him three months to prove he’s not in it for sex. Most of the offers I got in the past were 100% penis. No transgender was online. Like I said, Los Angeles LGBT community don’t have that many trans. But if I were to come across one, I don’t know if I would to be attracted to one. Usually I could get a sense of who they are without telling me. It’s no contest. I got nothing against transgender people.

It is their life. But if I were to get involved with a trans-male, it’ll be difficult for me. I’m 100% straight. I prefer CIS male penis. In my relationship goals, I want to mate and breed with my partner. In easy English, I want my own biological children. It’s a validate reason to not be involved with a transgender. Some people want their own children. Sure, there’s adoption and/or third party. But it won’t cut out for me because I want to experience pregnancy.

I’m sorry if I seem like an asshole for not going for a trans-male. But it is my decision. I have the right to reject a trans-male if I’m not attracted to them. However, it doesn’t mean I’m transphobic. They can be friends with me if they want to. In no way, I will reject them as a human being. The trans community really put the whole society in backwards. I understand that they want to be accepted in society and don’t want to ever feel rejected. But here’s a thing. Everyone gets rejected. You, Me, and Bigfoot. I’m sure there is someone for the trans community. Maybe they can see them as the genitals they desired and no problems would occurred. It all depends on time.

So to answer the question, “Should You Tell?”, of course you should tell. But people shouldn’t demand the answer right away. In all relationships, honesty is the best policy. However, it should be given time to get comfortable before telling. If they don’t tell and you find out on your own, best to not “take care of things in your own hands”. They are still human. Let them be and figure out later.

 

What is a Successful Story?

In an average success story, many people go through struggles from rags to riches. Throughout times, they might have stumbled across drugs and/or alcohol abuse. After maybe roughly a few years, they kick themselves and decide to make a life changing decision. My parents came into the United States around the late 80’s. My father first migrate to Los Angeles in 1986 with $200 in his pocket. With shifts in a restaurant and market, he saved that money to build his own warehouse business. My mother, on the other hand, only married my father through family arrangement due to the American Dream.

The American Dream is defined as the ideal that every US citizen should have an equal opportunity to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative. Back in my parents’ generation, the American Dream ideal was to marry someone who is migrating to the States, get a house, and raise a family. My parents did it all. They got married, came to the States, and raised two children. Growing up, I always get lectured from my mother about achieving success. In her eyes, a successful story is usually case of rags to riches. Similar to many Asian immigrants’ thoughts, kids have to go school, work hard, and make money.

Asian Immigrant kids have that achievement very easily. Us, Asian American kids, struggled with that goal. Our parents blame our laziness and compare each other how stupid we are. To me, it’s very discouraging and ignorant towards our self-esteem. My family don’t understand why it takes us longer to achieve certain goals. As I mention before in my blog, many of us take different paths to achieve our goals. Sometimes, we feel a bit useless that we’re taking so long and should have done the goal already. But we are reminded that not everyone can achieve goals on time. It is okay to be slow. As long we are on the right path to success, I can guarantee all the hard work will pay off soon.

Unfortunately, I have to keep those thoughts to myself whenever I get lectured from my mother. She has this narrow mind that if you’re not a doctor or lawyer, you won’t be successful. My mother never worked a day in her life. Sure, she took care of the house and finances. But in my opinion, I can’t picture her as a worker. I don’t use her story as a model for motivation to success. I believe she had an easy way out. I mean, she got lucky. My mother didn’t have to do anything except be a housewife for 20 years.

I honestly don’t believe in her lectures of success. Throughout college, I did research readings on doctors and lawyers. Apparently, the job isn’t as easy as others. Every job is very stressful no matter how successful you are. Even Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has a stressful job. Being a CEO at a big social media company is a lot to take in. Even through hard work and determination, any job is loaded with heavy duty regardless. But at the end of the day, if they love it, then no stress can bother them.

What is a successful story? I believe if you put through hardships and determination, someday your hard work will pay off. Regardless of who you are and what you are, you are the only person that creates your story. Who cares if others have it before you? You are doing things for yourself, not others. Before you know, those dreams would come true.